Die with a smile

7

Hanni

Week four was definitely the most hurtful.

Minji had decided to go through with the bucket list, she had written a bunch of stuff in which she later took off most, saying that they weren't important. But I knew why, she was scared there wouldn't be enough time.

And I hated knowing that every single one of those seconds were being counted, it made everything feel so rushed.

She was still a little indecisive but she finished it. Which I was proud of her for. I knew it was hard for her but she still did it. And ranked it based of importance. (Which was how long she got to hold my hand.) it was dorky but cute in its own way. That's why I loved her, she was different from the rest in the best way possible.

But what broke me the most during this time was to see her getting weaker and being less of herself. Minji isn't as strong as she used to be. And that really broke my heart. And then she was getting skinnier, refusing to eat as she didn't feel hungry. I knew those were the signs of her getting ready to say goodbye.

Sometimes I even feel like preparing for her parting was useless. It was going to hurt regardless. And no one was going to be ready either way. It was all just a waste of time.

But then I'm reminded that these are memories I'll be holding for the rest of my life. That these moments are for the both of us. It was important. It was valuable.

We also told my family about what was going to happen and they were devastated. Minji was truly one of us. And my father was feeling the most pain aside from me. He adored Minji like his own daughter. He grew to love Minji like one of his own daughters, and Minji loved him too. It was a sweet bond as Minji in some way was the boy he never had.

Minji's parents had abandoned her when she was just a little kid, just for being slightly different, and I truly don't know how they could do just thing to such a fragile little girl. It was heartless and cruel. They scarred Minji for life. But luckily, my father took her in and grew her up like his own. Teaching her that she would always be loved, no matter of her differences from the rest of the world.

The years went by and Minji meant a lot to everyone in the Pham household. Especially to me as I started to develop feelings for her. It was obvious that we liked each other, and with my mothers help, it happened. (She locked us up in my room until we confessed.)

My relationship with Minji sparked, we were falling hard for one another. And it was safe to say that my future with Minji was secured. Or so I sought to believe, and life was now contradicting everything I've ever said. Minji wasn't mine to keep anymore.

At first my father was a little skeptical of my relationship with her as he did see her as a daughter, but he then gave in. Seeing me so happy with Minji made him realize that I was in safe hands and that I wouldn't be his little princess forever.

Even though he did threaten to break her arm if she ever hurt me. I remember Minji almost passing out after hearing him say such threat. Now it's just an inside joke between them. Minji was family since the start.

It was truly hurting everyone. My mother too, she never spoke much but she loved Minji for me, she always said we were perfect for one another. But I already knew that. It was written all over our love story.

Too perfect that life decided to separate us.

I remember that when me and Minji got married, my mother told me to never let go of Minji because she was a good woman, a life partner. She was right, Minji was just amazing. My sister, Danielle who was married to Haerin, a survivor of cancer, hated herself for not realizing the clear signs of Minji not being okay. And I told her repeatedly that it's not her fault.

Who was going to know either way?

After everyone had settled in with their feelings, my dad and Minji got drunk, even though I told him not to! Minji wasn't in the condition to be drinking! But I figured she should enjoy life while she still could. Even though I had to carry her back home and cry as she broke down in my arms.

Complaining about how much she loves me and didn't know what to do because she didn't want to die.

Very heartbreaking if I were to get into detail.

It was hurting so much. But I had to be strong for her and myself. Minji was still having a hard time and I knew that she always would. Which meant that I had to be the rock for her to lean on.

So now, we found ourselves in the first place of her bucket list.

"It's truly beautiful." Minji said as she held my hand, her eyes roaming around the blue hued tunnel where the water life swam freely around us. But I couldn't focus on that.

No, not when Minji was looking stunning as ever. There was a shine in her eyes, a mere sprinkle of life. And that meant so much to me. "I told you." I said and Minji looked at me. Her once dull eyes now soft. And I'm starting to realize that Minji was at the point of acceptance. At least a slight bit of it.

Why let it bother us? We already know the end, so why torture ourselves even more?

"I should've known, you're always right about everything." She said, leaning in to kiss my temple. I held onto her arm as we kept walking around. Looking at the beautiful life forms that existed. Taking pictures every now and then for memories.

This was probably the most peace we've ever felt. It scared me a bit. Why was it so peaceful? I shouldn't question it, I know. But can you blame me? Everything scared me when it came to Minji. Anything could go wrong in a blink of an eye.

"Should we get some food?" She asked as she was already dragging me to where they sell food. I couldn't help but smile as Minji ran in front of me, a smile on her face as she turned to look at me. And I felt a pang at my heart looking at her. My eyes locking with hers.

I felt my world stopping as I captured a picture of this moment in my brain. She looked...beautiful. She turned back to face forward, thankfully missing the way my eyes teared up slightly.

I've felt so alone these past few weeks, I don't know how to explain it. Minji was there, but just physically. Emotionally she was distant, absent minded about everything emotionally. She tried her best to forget about it, but how could someone forget that they are going to die? It's impossible.

I tried to not pressure her but sometimes she would get too lost into her thoughts and forget that I do in fact exist. But things were better now, though they hurt, but better.

Minji started to order food as I stood next to her, just admiring her. The years have gone by but she still looks the same. She didn't know what aging was, she was given those good genes. Which I found cute. But the weakness and body change was ruining it and I hated it. But I still loved her.

After ordering Minji led us to sit over at some table while we waited for our food to be called. Minji wrapped her arms around me, and I felt myself melting in a way I couldn't control.

Her warmth was my weakness, and a single day without her warmth felt like I was dying. Imagine for the rest of my life?

I wouldn't survive.

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