Die with a smile

5

Hanni

"You know this means forever, right?" I asked Minji who was still down on one knee as she smiled up at me brightly. "I know, and I'm glad it means forever." She said standing up, wrapping her arms around me tightly.

My body completely melting against hers. Me and Minji were like a match made in heaven, we belonged. It's so meant to be. It was perfect, too perfect.

"This ring, it goes beyond just being a mere item of show, the papers we'll sign are just proof of our love. It will bound us legally for the rest of our lives, and I'm more than happy with that." She said and I looked up at her with eyes filled with love.

"I'm more than happy too, because I honestly don't see myself ever being with anyone that isn't you. You're my forever home." I said and Minji's eyes teared up, even though she tried to hold it back.

"I'm about to bawl my eyes out." She said and I couldn't help but laugh a little as my eyes formed tears as I hugged Minji tightly as well. I tried to hide it, but this is the moment I've been waiting for to happen for so long now.

Marriage had been prolonged due to our majors, but now that we had graduated, the freedom to do quite literally anything has been finally given to us. We can travel the world!

We're free to even have kids too! Even though, for some reason, something wasn't right about making such step. And that bothered me a little. It's like that feeling deep in your gut, that you just couldn't ignore.

"I know you want to too." I smacked her back playfully and she chuckled. Regardless, I let tears stream down my face as Minji swung us side to side softly, her hands rubbing my back so gently. Her touch has always been so faint and careful, almost so ghostly but so present at the same time.

Her own sobs mixing with my own. "Thank you." She thanked so softly that I almost didn't catch it. "For what?" I asked and she pulled away briefly. Her eyes were a universe that I'll always find myself floating in. Almost like a sinkhole that I'll never escape from and only fall deeper into.

"For letting me be the one to love you for the rest of our lives, I know that we're still somewhat young, but I'm really ready for this step with you. I love you, and I want to be by your side forever, and when I mean forever, I mean it as in we'll be two stars next to each other when our time comes. Our souls becoming one for all eternity, finding you all over again in some other life if it's even possible." She said with that same old smile on her face.

She was always so...like this. So perfect. Sometimes I even wondered if she was real and that I was hallucinating having such beautiful being by my side.

She truly never seemed to grow any older either, she's just so beautiful and young. I'm just so lucky to have her in my life, meaning that she's all mine until my last breath. Until there's no me left to hold her.

People called me selfish, maybe a bit crazy. But love has always been that. It's about the selfishness and the craziness, the commitment, the faithfulness, and the trust. It was everything that you could possibly think of and molded into one small shape made to be beating inside someone's chest.

You know what love was?

Standing in a field filled with stunning red roses that screamed out "love", Minji standing before me with those brown eyes trying to reach my soul and the depth of my being, her soft hands holding my face so gently. A ring now on my finger. Her sweet words resonating in my ears as she hugged me as if there was no tomorrow.

That's love.

And maybe in its most rawest form.

It had always been my dream.

-

And it was forever going to stay a dream.

And I wish I could be consoled and held because of it. I wish I could pull all of my hair out, scream in pure agony, and just take it out somewhere until I feel nothing.

There was definitely no fixing me after this, I'll be broken for the rest of my life. I'd prefer dying than to live the last bit of my lifetime without her.

I laid my head on Minji's chest, listening to her heartbeat as she slept so deeply, deeper than she ever has in the last ten years that I've been with her in a romantic matter. I don't even know if it should alarm me or calm me. She looked at peace but too at peace.

I carefully sat up on the bed, looking down at Minji's sleeping figure. I didn't seem to comprehend why it had to her, out of all people? I let out a sigh as I reached out to pull the strands of hair off her face, placing them behind her ear softly.

I couldn't help but smile a little, Minji was truly the cutest person alive. And I'm not being biased! Okay, maybe a little. But you can't blame me when there was this cute little pout on her lips as she kept sleeping away, hopefully dreaming of me. Dreaming of us.

None of this felt real to me yet. How could it?

I could swear that it was just yesterday that Minji promised me forever. That it was just yesterday that we were living life at its fullest, where did it all go wrong? What did we do wrong?

It wasn't fair, nowhere near being fair because what do you mean that after everything, Minji won't get her happy ending?

"You're going to make your head burst." Minji's voice snapped me out of my thoughts. I didn't even realize that I was holding her hand so tightly. I tried to let go of her hand but she held it even tighter.

After our breakdowns, Minji changed for the better. A small part of her knew that I was right. That there was no time for us to be wasting. We had to live in the present, not past, not future. Just now.

"A penny for your thoughts?" She asked, sitting up as she looked at me with those soft eyes. "It's nothing, I'm just still a little sleepy." I said. And Minji gave me a pointed look. "Hanni, honesty, give me it." I let out a sigh as I looked away from her. "I know I promised to not put too much thought into it, but I can't help it." I said and I felt Minji place her hand over my own.

"Like I can swear that it was just yesterday that you went down on one knee, asking me to be your life partner. But what life? It's getting taken away." I said and Minji shushed me with a gentle squeeze of my hand.

"Hanni, I know. It feels like I'm breaking a promise. But neither you or I have control over it, and you know it. Let's just live the moment, and not think of anything else. Let's not think of what breaks us in two." She said, pulling me to lay above her.

"Let's embrace the time we have left, tomorrow isn't promised. So for a while, let's live without a single care to the world. Just you and me. Carefree until the time arrives and takes me." She said, kissing the top of my head softly. Her hand still grabbing my own.

"You mean so much to me, Hanni." Minji said. "And seeing you sad breaks me apart, I want you to be happy, even if it's just for a single second." Minji's voice seemed to break even more as she spoke.

"I love you, and I always will. Forever will. Remember that."

If only I could have her forever.

-

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