Field of Emotions

Chapter 14

TW: Mention of self-harm

Everything was like a cycle after that happy moment. Hindi ko namalayan na 1 week na pala ang nakakalipas simula ng magkita-kita kami nina Celestine. After that day, everything was back to normal. Or more do I say it just got worst. Kung dati nag-aaway lang sila Mama sa kung gaano nila kinamumuhian ang isa't isa, ngayon ay nadamay na ako. Hindi ko alam kung bakit pero bigla na lang nilang pinagbakasyon si Manang Ester.

Dagdag pa ang problema ni Gab at Alexa. Hindi ko din naman sila masisisi, they need someone to validate them. I want to help my friends, so I absorbed every negative feeling they have and kept mine on my own. Am I fair? I don't know.

As I sat on the floor of my room, the weight of my emotions pressing down on me, I couldn't help but feel trapped in an endless cycle of comparison and criticism. The constant arguments between Mama and Papa, added with the never-ending schoolwork, drained me. Nakakapagod...pagod na pagod na ako.

Tears streamed down my face as I leaned my back against the locked door, desperately trying to muffle my sobs. I didn't want to make a sound, knowing that their anger would be directed at me if they heard me crying. The pressure was suffocating, and I felt like I had no escape.

I need to slip back to the right track, pero paano?

I reached for the hidden blade in my desk. Malabo na ang paningin ko dahil sa mga luha at nanginginig akong gumawa ng malalalim na guhit sa pulsuhan ko. The sight of the blood dripping out of the wound down to my floor, brought a strange sense of relief as if it validated my emotions.

I was about to continue when my phone rang, interrupting the darkness that had enveloped me.

📞 Sian ko is calling 📞

Seeing his name, guilt crept my system. I made a promise with him that I won't do self-harm.

I answered the call, but I couldn't find the words to speak due to intense guilt.

"Lizzy? Nandyan ka ba?" Sian's voice came through the line, filled with concern. "Pupunta ako dyan-"

"No," I whispered, barely audible.

"Bakit?" pagmamaktol niya.

Magagalit ka kapag nakita mo akong may sugat na naman ang pulsuhan.

"Basta bawal...magkukwento ka lang naman diba? Through call na lang." rason ko.

"Ih! Gusto ko kasama kita!" pagpupumilit pa niya na parang bata. "Tsaka bakit ganyan boses mo? Umiiya-"

"I have cold, Sian." pagdadahilan ko para hindi siya magtanong pa.

"Bakit ka naman sinipon?" tanong ulit niya.

I scoffed. "Magkwento ka na lang, mas natuwa pa ako sayo."

Sian hesitated for a moment, sensing the urgency in my voice. Ilang sandali lang ay nagkwento na siya kung anong nangyari sa bakasyon niya sa Batangas. Marami daw silang pinuntahan doon gaya ng Ilijan Falls, Padre Pio National Shrine, Monte Maria, Heritage Town in Taal, at kung saan-saan pa.

Kinabukasan, pinatawag kaming mga President at Vice President ng bawat section. Hindi ko alam kung anong tumatakkbo sa utak ng mga tao kapag lumabas ako ng walang takip ang sugat, kaya kahit mainit sa pakiramdam at nakakahilong temperatura, nag-suot ako ng jacket para hindi matawag na papansin. Laking pasalamat ko na lang talaga na wala ang mandatory wrist check ni Gab dahil busy siya sa gawain nila sa room.

"I'm nervous, Ysa." Gab uttered as she clinged on my arm where I did the cuts.

I bit my lip trying to stop myself grunting at how painful it was.