Broken Speed | Verstappen & Leclerc

06 | opening up

-|- Bahrain -|-

Luckily it was just Friday and not really busy in the paddock and therefore this toilet here. All the stalls were open and nobody was standing at the sink which was why I stopped there, propping myself up against it while looking into the mirror.

Gosh, I really looked horrible. My eyes all red from the crying, dark circles underneath from the missing sleep and my cheeks all red and puffy. The rest of my body though was skinny as shit and I didn't even dare to brush up my long sleeves or the trousers over my legs.

It all was basically only bones, most of the muscles gone and also my body fat was inking quite dramatically. Scared I looked through the small bathroom again before I grabbed the hem of my shirt that was hanging over my stomach, the sweatshirt being open as it was only there to cover up my arms.

Nervously I bit my bottom lip, lifting it up as I saw what was underneath. As I was too disgusted by myself I had only changed in the bedroom these last two days, showered in the dark as I just didn't want to see myself like that.

And I was right. Tears instantly running down my face as I saw myself in the mirror, my flat belly and ribs that were standing out sharply. I was my own fault as I was barely eating anything, but I simply had no appetite and no motivation to eat anything.

"Max? Are you in h" suddenly Charles opened the door and stepped inside.

Quickly I pulled my shirt down but he had seen it, considering his dropping jaw and his widening eyes.

"I... I'm fine." I quickly said, brushing aside my tears, wanting to step out of the bathroom again, "Where are Luka and Lio?! Are they fine? Did you leave them alone?!"

"Stop." was all the Monegasque said and put his body against the door so I couldn't get out, "They are fine, Carlos is with them and they love all the funny stories he tells them."

Once Charles had said that I realized that I had just shouted at Luka, at my own nephew even though he hadn't done anything wrong, what a miserable parent I was. It all overcame me once again and I broke down again, sinking down with my back against the wall, crying heavily.

"Hey, hey, Max." Charles said and immediately knelt down to me, "It's not your fault okay? You're doing an amazing job with them, they love you more then anything else and they are thankful to have you."

"No, no, I failed them, I fucking fail them every day, I'm just a shitty parent because I can't get my life together. Hell, I'm an adult, I should easily get over this, I mean look at them, they are so happy, and I am here crying like a baby."

"That's not true, they don't understand yet and I know how close you were with your sister. Please don't blame yourself for anything. They love you and in their eyes you do everything perfect, Luka even asked if it was his fault that you got angry."

"He did?" I asked and Charles only nodded his head, making me cry even more, "See that's the reason, nothing is their fault and I don't want them to be worried about me, they are children, they should be happy."

I didn't even knew why I was telling him all that, completely opening up to him even though we weren't even close friends. But somehow it felt good, letting everything out for the first time ever, having someone, who was listening.

"They are happy Max, have you seen them yesterday, they were so happy about seeing my car, sitting in it." he said further, even laying his hand on my knee, "They are happy Max, they are just worried about you because they love you, they don't wanna loose you too."

"I can't loose them." I mumbled, hiding my head in my hands, heavily crying while I ignored the warm feeling his touch was causing me.

"You won't, and nobody is gonna take them away from you. You're doing a great job."