You were everything...

Chapter 2

School was a place were I felt not so alone, surrounded by people, in the middle of all the other students. But now it's just a place were my emotions are getting in the way. They always get in the way. But we life in a world were you are not allowed to show you're real emotions.

You shouldn't show other people how you feel and what blows your mind. Just be in your little whole and let everybody think that you're ok?

That's the way I live. That's the way I lived.
That's the way I am.
That's the way how everything began. I think...

The school breaks are the worst, I mean only when you have no person to sit with. No friend group to talk to. No close people who buy food with you. I am all alone. Just me, myself and my mind. And I think that's the worst combination that could exist.

I actually don't want to skip school and I never did it before, just because I was scared what other people think. I don't really give a shit about other peoples opinions or anything but being a loner is even worse.

I sit alone at my table. I don't really think it is my table but I always say it is because I sit here like all the time, alone of course, but it's quite comfy, sitting alone.

Actually it isn't comfy at all I just tell myself that so I can rest my mind.
I always wait for people to sit with me but mostly there is no one who would sit here. I mean why would they, right?

After break I have physics, boring as always but I kinda like it. The teacher is nice to me and doesn't look at me this hopeless.

After physics I have sports. I hate sports. I mean you go into a team and you need to be with other students. No I hate it. In other classes I am on my own and I can just be myself and focus on my study stuff. But in sports you need to communicate with others and you need to be there.

But I am not there.
Not really.
Not fully.

We play soccer, the favourite game of the boys, my worst nightmare. We need two boys teams and two girls teams. The boys are playing on one half of the gym and the girls on the other half.

The girls need to decide who they want on there team. Sara goes with Emily, Niya and Rosa are together in one team. Sara wants Sabrina and Niya wants Lory. Sara wants Zoey and Niya wants Freya. Now I am the only person who is left.

Nobody actually "wants" me.
Not in their team.
Not at lunch break.
Not after school.
Not in my free time.

And that hurts... more than I thought it would.

The teacher says: "Shira just go in one team, you decide"

I look to Sara's team, I like Zoey but I don't think the rest of the team likes me. I look at Niyas team, I like Lory and Rosa bur Niya doesn't like me. So I have no idea.

The teacher looks at me with a angry face and says: "Just deicide Shira it's not a bid deal"

But yes, yes it is a big deal, what if we lose because of me? What I they will be mad at me? What if they don't want me in their team?

Just turn off your mind. Shira you got this.

I am going to...

"I want to go to Saras team..."

Niya looks happy but Sara and Sabrina are not very happy to have me in the team.
Sara turn around and points at me: "I am sorry but can you be the substitute? Because our team has to much players? Thanks"

Then she turns around and laughs. What did I do wrong this time? But I am fine with being the substitute. I mean I didn't wanted to play anyway.

Than why does it hurt so much? So much because you know they didn't wanted you on their team. But I needed to decide.

But Niya is happy, happy that I am not in her team, isn't she?

Why am I not wanted. Why am I such a fool for everyone. I stare at the floor and think about the day. It went well so far, didn't it?

I mean I have nothing to lose, then why do I have the feeling that I lose it all?
Why do I have the feeling that everything that I do is never enough.

I don't care anymore.
That's a lie again.
I care pretty much, maybe... too much.

I didn't play the whole time. And after sports we have break again.
Again sitting alone.
Again talking to myself in my head.
Again buying food alone.
Again.
Again...
Again....
And again.

I sit at "my" table and stare at my food. Its nothing special, just a sandwich but this sandwich is giving me happiness. I don't know why? It's just does and I like it.

While I am starring at my sandwich and don't notice the person who sits at my table.

"Hey, sorry is this seat free?"