You were everything...

Chapter 4

In the last two weeks I had no motivation, I was not really here. I mean I was here but not really I think.
I wasn't ready for the next days. I just wanted to sleep and I wanted to be happy again. Like the day when I met him. I have still no idea who he was or what his name is but he was there and I can't forget him.

After one more week I fell into an routine. Staying up late, wake up early, not sleeping much, make my bed, brush my teeth, go to school.
Everyday is the same. I just want to go back to the old me.

My leg hurts, it hurts so bad. I am sorry that I couldn't do it. I did again and again and again. I didn't wanted to do it. I really didn't but I can't control it.

Next morning, still everything is the same. I have Englisch class and we read our book. I hate that book it make me tired. I am so tired.

I.
Am.
So.
Tired.
Of everything.

I can't focus on my school work, my grades are getting bad and even more worse than before. I starting to realise how hard it is to get out of an whole were you in for a while. It feels like the walls are getting higher and I fall. I fall into it...
Deeper and deeper and I can't stop and I can't control. I can't...

I am tired, I am so tired that I can't even think about school or him. I want to think about him, all the time but my head is to heavy and my skin itches and everything hurts.

My heart is closed. My mind is full. Only my head is still here because I lost control... But I shouldn't lose control.

I open my drawer, again.. and again and again...

I surch for my bandaids.
Everything hurts but it hurts so good... I can't stop.

I scream but nobody hears me. My body full of scars and my mind is completely frozen. It's frozen... Like my heart everything is frozen.

My parents don't notice the way I change. We don't talk I have no time. I am always in my bed and on my phone. My parents don't care. I dint care. Nobody cares...

I think my eyes hurt. I don't sleep much but I am tired. I need sleep. I need rest.
And everything hurts.
Day after day. Nothing special happens...
I am no winner.
I am no loser.
Because I never played the game... The game played me.