You were everything...

Chapter 1

Sitting alone at midnight, nothing special just another night of my not resting mind.
My phone makes no sound. No one's cares. My mind blows.

Starring at the ceiling. Nothing is new and I don't know how to let my head rest. I want to sleep.

I rest my head on my pillow and close my eyes. So many thoughts, so many. So many bad things.

My eyes flew open as I see a notification on my phone. My friend is probably texting me about her new guy.

No modification from my friend but from my book app. It says: We got a new book for you on your reading list, why not read it now?

I click on the link and my app opens up. Hello nice that you locked yourself in, welcome into the wonderful world of books.

I close my phone. I don't need this bullshit. I wanna sleep. I don't wanna sleep. I just wanna close my eyes, rest my head.

I can't.
Of course I can't.
I never can.

I want to do something but no clue what I could do. I should tidy my room but if I really want to do that I need to stand up. And I can't stand up, my head won't let me. There is always this fight between me and my head.

It's after midnight. My head lays on my pillow. I just go trough my phone. New videos about people who know how to manage life. I have no fucking idea how to even sleep and they tell me how they manage, kids, marriage and everything.

I am happy enough when I brush my teeth or even eat something. My parents don't care, why would they? They lost hope a long time ago.

They both know that nothing helps me to focus. Focus on school and all that shit.
I wished I was like the kids on the internet. They always look like they have a plan. They have a real life. Don't they?

I want to be like them, good skin, healthy body, good mindset, clean room, good grades and maybe a pretty boyfriend.

I have nothing like that. My room is messy. I gained weight, I have pimples, bad grades, no boyfriend, not even real friends.

What do I have left?
I only have myself left. And I think that is one of my problems.

It's always me against the world, never me and the world.

I don't want to fight, I never wanted to. I am not completely hopeless, I hope, I have hobbies beside scrolling on my phone, searching for something that makes sense. When I was younger I did swimming, now I don't even have a bikini.

I don't need hobbies, I need another life. Or another life needs me. But no that's not what people would say. I am the problem that nobody want.

My biggest fear was that I wouldn't become a doctor when I was younger, now my biggest fear is to drown in my tears. To drown into that whole.

I don't want to drown but if nothing happens I am going to and I am so scared. Scared what will happen when I reach that whole.

I need to change or maybe I need a change.

Thats what I was 2 months ago

Now I am a total different person. I hated my old one, but I hate myself now even more!
I didn't wanted it to end like this. But know I am here. Somewhere I thought I never going to end. And it all started with a sentence.

And the sentence was I hate myself more than I hate my life.

That was the beginning of a life, a life I never wanted.

The beginning of a new person I never wanted to become.
But here I am, in my whole. I like that whole but that whole graves me scars. So may fucking scars.

The nurse already told me I look better. Better? My pale skin looks like it never saw the sun.
My hair is dry with no volume. I showered two weeks ago.

I don't look better.
I look even worse.

I want to get out of here!
Out of this whole, out to my family.

I scream but again nobody hears me. Nobody screams back. No scent of voice in the darkness. I close my eyes.

And I am finally able to fall asleep.
Finally I am sleeping.
But what is that voice coming from?

I am scared.
But maybe it's just my head.
Telling me to wake up.

I don't want to wake up. I want to sleep, to dream. To dream of a version of myself we're I am not the problem. We're I am not the depressed one. We're I am happy, happy again.

I think I once were
I think...
Wasn't I?

I just want to sleep and never wake up...
I want to be happy.