Mercy

Part 16: Sleepless Nights

Since I was a child people would think that I was charming, it is not just my grandiose sense of self speaking I knew this for a fact. The thing is, there is only so long you can keep up the appearance. Although I was charming, I got bored of people quickly, especially people who didn't matter. With people that didn't matter I mean people who had nothing to offer me, I got bored of them really quickly. My point is that it was a façade.

When I moved in with the Knights I knew that keeping my shiny front up at all times would be impossible so I had to find ways of getting around it. I made games out of it where I played the siblings against each other. Roger noticed and he found it almost as amusing as I did. That was how I came to realize that around Roger I could actually relax every now and again. At times I simply tried to stay out of the house so as to not inspire questions about my behaviour. It was easy to manipulate people my own age to do things for me, especially boys, so I did. I got them to spend their allowances on me and it was fun.

Autumn tried to be my friend and sometimes I would let her. I understood what emotional empathy was, I had read about it but it was one of the emotions I never got the hang of. I could tell that Autumn was sad and lonely. My games turning her and Reece against each other didn't help. Now and then I remembered that I needed her and I remembered that I needed to be the good version of me and that is when I would let her in. Being Machiavellian and not able to feel guilty was great when being a teenage girl. I taught Autumn, I was almost honest and I taught her how shutting out emotions could be used against people. I taught her how to read people and I taught her how to get what she wants. She was a good student, I really should have seen her potential back then. Little did I know that I was giving up too much information about my psyche and looking back I gave Autumn my playbook, a roadmap to my mind.

Reece was so much simpler, partially because he had lots of friends and didn't ask much of me. But also because I could bat my eyes at him and he would do what I wanted just like the other boys. We had agreed that we wouldn't get involved because of us living together but I know that his little crush didn't subside. In ways Reece knew me the best because he let me get away with my antics and he had along the line decided to love me unconditionally. No one had ever done that, not even my parents. He always showed up for me when I needed him and he never asked for anything in return. I loved this about him. It was also why I had to stay away. After I moved out I knew that he would run after me like a puppy, I didn't want that. It was easy and I had no interest in 'easy', I liked the hunt. The reality was that I didn't need him and I didn't want him so I left. Simple as that. It did feel good though that he welcomed me back. After everything he still chooses to love me unconditionally. I wish I could do the same.

I get jealous of people's emotions sometimes. It seemed so sweet and simple to just love people and want to be good for them. It also seemed a lot harder than my own emotional life. It was complex and complicated, sometimes I wish it was simple. Sometimes I wish that I was just some stupid girl who fell in love easily and talked too much about her boyfriend at parties. I wished that I had a dog that I loved and that I named him something stupid like Gary. When people asked me what he was called I would laugh a little at my own joke. I wish that I craved closeness and care. That I wanted people and they wanted me. I wished that I loved my family. That I could say that 'yes, it is a little broken but we have a lot of love'. But I didn't... I didn't feel any of this and at nights when I was stuck in my head this would bother me.

My bedroom started to get occupied by my thoughts of Autumn. She made me question things about myself, about everything I had come to decide was my personality and my sense of self. Maybe letting her into my head was the difference. Maybe she was something else. I felt like she mutated parts of my mind, I didn't like it but I didn't try to change it. At times I wondered if I wanted to be her, be with her or if I wanted to do to her what I did to Charlotte. It was confusing and as I laid in my bed I did my best to work it out but the thoughts were too loud and her presence in the room was too much. I got up and sat down at the kitchen table instead. I needed her.

I knew I could get her, and I knew that I would. I just didn't know how yet. There was of course one thing. The one thing I could do. Tell her the truth. From this, I realized that I needed a walk. It had been a long night and it wasn't over yet. I couldn't sleep and I couldn't sit with my thoughts anymore. I started to talk aimlessly after an hour or two I ended up on the bridge. The very same bridge where I understood that there are more to people than what it seems. I wondered if there might have been a way to make things work with Charlotte. I was self aware enough to know that I was being unreasonable, what exactly did I even consider? That me and Charlotte would be good for each other and stay together. That one day we would get married and move to the suburbs. I didn't think about it as I sat on the railing. I wasn't going to jump, my legs were still on the side connected to the physical bridge and my back was turned to the abyss. I sat down to think, this place felt appropriate.

I pulled out my phone and decided to call Autumn.

"Why on God's green earth would you call me this early?" I didn't think about the time but I knew she couldn't be too mad because she answered quickly.

"I'm thinking about you" I smile.

"Good for you. I'm going back to sleep" Her tone is stern. Fuck.

"Aut..." The truth. "I did something. I can't tell you"

"So why are we talking?"

"Because I can't sleep. When I'm in bed I can't make my mind go quiet" I felt naked and I couldn't see her reaction so I just felt stupid. "It's you and I need you to stop"

"That sounds like a you problem, don't call-" I cut her off before she can finish.

"I need to see you"

"Amelia, you can't just-"

"Tell me no, tell me to stay away" She doesn't, she doesn't tell me to fuck off. "I'm coming over and we'll talk"