Mercy

Part 22: Heart

I woke up screaming. I looked around in a panic but I wasn't in her bedroom on the floor next to a body, I was at home. My sheets were drenched and I couldn't catch my breath. I still felt her. Her face was burnt into my mind and I couldn't stop seeing her as she panicked. My alarm went off and I finally looked at my phone. I had sent the text, but she never answered. If this had been last night, I would have been offended but right now I was grateful. I had decided that I wanted her around. I wanted Autumn to be alive, but I was very scared of what that really meant.

There was no way to shake the dream. I couldn't get it out of my mind. When I looked at myself in the mirror I didn't see myself anymore, I saw a monster. This was new, completely new. I had killed so many people. It became obvious to me that none of them had mattered. I thought about Deliah and I admitted to myself that she didn't matter. She was just some girl and I had twisted her care for me into some kind of romanticized image of care. I never cared for that girl.

What about Charlotte? No, I hadn't cared for her. I didn't know her. I didn't know her at all. She was an experiment gone wrong. She was a made up character. I didn't know anything about her. She had a boyfriend who hit her and a death wish. She was dead long before I met her. No matter how many fantasies she fulfilled she had been a one night stand, or the murdering equivalent to a one night stand. She was a one off. She let me do all these things to her and it meant nothing. Did I even like killing? Yes, I liked killing but something in my mind was questioning now. Was this what I was supposed to do with my life? What was the end game? Did it have purpose, did I have purpose?

Let's just say that this led me into a spiral. I had to change, I would change, and things would be fine. I would become normal. Maybe all my neglect of any emotional connection was the reason for all of this, maybe I could be happy. I would just stop killing people, that is not hard, people do it all the time.

As I arrived at work my phone dinged, I had forgotten to turn the sound off. I looked at the text. It was from Autumn, of course it was. I didn't want to look at it but I also couldn't stop myself.

'Fell asleep. Come around tonight x'

There was nothing I wanted more than to go over and be close to her but I kept seeing her eyes pleading, begging me to stop. So, I didn't answer. I stared at my phone and I didn't answer her. Work went on slowly. My newest target was a woman called Iris but I couldn't be bothered to work her today. As my workday came to an end I decided that I had to answer her. I could not pull another disappearing act, she would never forgive me and I would have closed the chapter that was Autumn Knight forever.

'See you at 8' I finally decided on. I don't know if it is the right thing to do. I don't know if this might be a terrible idea but one thing is for sure. I couldn't just leave her. I had a responsibility to her. I had a responsibility to do better. So, I showed up. That is what Maggie would have told me to do, if she was still here...

She wasn't wearing a silk robe like in my fantasy and somehow it calmed me. Things might not turn out the way I imagined. I stood outside her door and I looked at her, she was just as pretty as I remembered but I felt reluctant to go inside. I just wanted to stay here for a moment. It was perfect right now. She wanted me and I wanted her. I had been forgiven of my sins and I hadn't hurt her. I was afraid that once I went into her apartment that might change.

"So... Are you coming in?" She looked confused.

"Yeah. Sorry" I walked inside. As I made my way to the couch I glanced at her bedroom door. I remembered it all so vividly. I remember how she looked and what she felt like. My heart pounded and I thought that she must have noticed because she went to get me a glass of water. I hadn't necessarily thought of her as caring but she really was. She would make a great mother one day. For all her faults and her cold demeanour, she wanted to be a caretaker, she was my opposite. How can one be so similar on the surface yet so fundamentally different? My job was literally to take care of people but instead I used their trust to hurt them. She was nothing like me.

"Amelia?" She put her hand on my knee and looked deep into my eyes. I could only see how soft she let herself become. She was soft for me. Guilt was new to me, but this must be it.

"I'm going to hurt you. We can't... I can't do this" I stood up to leave but she grabbed my wrist.

"Slow down" I turned to face her. We stood there frozen in front of the couch. "What are you talking about?"

"Aut, I'm no good. My whole thing with you, it wasn't from a good place. I'm... I'm scared that I'll hurt you. I've hurt so many people" I didn't want to tell her that I killed people and I think I made it vague enough. I just sounded like an asshole. She pulled me in and wrapped her arms around me. I couldn't help but to melt into her touch. She sat down and she held me in a way no one ever had. I laid there with my head on her chest and once again I was faced with some deeply existential questions. Was this love? Was I evil? Could I change? Could she love me if she knew? Will I one day kill her?

"It's ok. You're gonna be ok" She stroked my hair as I listened to her heartbeat. If I could love anyone in this world it was Autumn. "Please don't run away" I could hear that she was sad, and I know that my past actions still haunted her, maybe they always would. I shouldn't stay the night. What if... What if I did something to her...

"Ok" I knew that I shouldn't but I didn't want to leave and although I was going through some kind of personal growth I still prioritized what I wanted. Right now I wanted to stay with Autumn, I wanted it more than I've wanted anything. I wanted it more than I wanted to kill my mother and I wanted it more than I wanted to see the life pour out of the fearful eyes of my lonely victims, I wanted it more than blood.

I closed my eyes and listened to her heart. I could hear her breathing and just as I was about to fall asleep she placed a soft kiss on the top of my head. It was a gesture I was unfamiliar with, it was the kind of gesture you showed someone when you cared. It was what you did to someone you loved. I had been so caught up in my own emotions that I hadn't thought much about hers. It struck me as I laid there, I think she loves me. I wanted to ask her, to make sure but I didn't. I just stayed still and listened to her breathing with my hand now on her beating heart. Maybe this will all be fine.