Mercy

Part 14: Dinner

It's a little embarrassing but I started to think about her a lot. Some would say that I am obsessed. I would say that it was a healthy curiosity. I saw her every week, sometimes more but she didn't speak to her and I needed to find a way to change this. I needed some time to happen that would force her to make contact and then I just had to make her remember just how much I meant to her. That sounded simple, right?

Something happened, something that I didn't plan but I could use. Roger happened. Roger liked to drink and he liked to be an asshole and tonight at dinner he had been worse than I had seen him for a long time. I thought it was funny but I find things amusing that most don't. He liked being mean and he liked to provoke people. This was business as usual but Autumn looked sad. Her face was still stoic but I could see how her eyes avoided contact, not only with me that was usual but with Roger and Reece. That is one of the good things about not naturally knowing emotion but to learn them, I knew what emotions should look like and that was sadness. On top of this Roger keeps trying to get digs in. He talked about her lack of personal life, that she didn't have friends and that she wasn't successful. I think that this was some kind of attempt to impress Siobhan. Trying to look better by putting other people down... It was low and he looked like an asshole. Siobhan, who I assume he was trying to impress, looked about as amused as me. She looked like she disdained the man and it was a little bit funny. Roger had to know that she was with him for the money, he couldn't be that stupid? She was beautiful, stunning in fact and I guess she was worth the money just to get to touch her. I wondered how often she was required to get him off, he was getting up there in age so maybe she could avoid it. I didn't want to think about Roger having sex but as I looked at Siobhan I couldn't stop thinking about what she looked like naked on top of someone.

I snapped out of it when I heard the door slam, Autumn had made a dramatic exit after another conversation with her father. I saw an opening and I took it. There was no expectation to make excuses for why I left the room, as long as I came to the table in time Roger didn't mind. I walked out into the hallway but she was long gone. I started to look for her and I ended up outside her room, the room she used to reside in as we were growing up. I guess that place was the closest to safety she had in this house. She was looking at the window and had her back to the door. It was a fairly big bedroom, the walls used to be a light purple but had been painted white. Everything that once reflected who Autumn used to be was gone. I stood in the door and looked at her, she had grown up and she didn't belong in this room anymore, she didn't belong to Roger anymore.

"I know you are there, Amelia" She says without turning around. "What do you want?"

"He was being mean. It was not about you. I just wanted you to know that it's not your fault" I felt like that was the right thing, like it might give her some comfort.

"I know that. I'm not a child" She still didn't turn around. I walked towards her and I stood close enough to touch her but I didn't.

"It's not your fault" I whispered. I think that I am coming across as caring. I did care about her, or I did care for her more than most people. I wanted her to be around me. I could hear her exhale through her nose. I didn't know if she was annoyed or if this was some kind of relief. "You want a hug?" I asked, it was a joke, she wasn't a hugger and I knew that. She chuckled and it made me smile. I was doing good. "What? You're all grown up. Maybe you grew into a hugger" She can probably hear my smile as I speak.

"You are still a dick" She said and she didn't sound sad anymore.

"Yeah but you love that about me" She finally turned around.

"I forgot how humble you were" She raised an eyebrow and I smirked at her. Then I got serious. I needed to work this, I needed to get her back.

"It's not an excuse but he is doing it to impress his new trophy" I could have called her Siobhan, I knew her name but I think that dehumanizing her was easier right now. "There is nothing of value in his words, you know that right?"

"Amelia..." She walked over to the bed and sat down, I followed her. "He is right. I've done nothing with my life and no one cares if I live or die" Had she always been this dramatic? It was good but unexpected.

"Aut, you are 25 years old. What are you supposed to have achieved? You should have fun and try to figure out what makes you happy" I smiled at her but she didn't face me and she didn't smile. "And you don't have a huge social circle, who cares, you don't like people" She used to like people but they kept leaving or disappointing her. "I care... I care if you live or die" This was true in more ways than one. She didn't answer. "It's more than he got. When he dies people are going to scramble to rob his corpse and then he will be forgotten. The closest thing to love he will find is that gold digger down stairs and in all honesty, I think she is more into me than him and she haven't had a single conversation"

"You don't have enough money to get a girl like that" She looked at me. We had never talked about women, or men, not in a romantic or sexual way. I assumed that she was bisexual from what I had read in her diary but things change sometimes. She didn't know anything about my sexuality and it made it just a little more exciting. I wondered what would happen if I just leaned in, would she let me kiss her? Would she let me touch her?

"She isn't really my type anyways" I say quietly. It was a lie, I was absolutely attracted to Siobhan but she couldn't do anything for me, Autumn could.

"You don't do women?"

"I don't do blonds" We looked at each other again and I knew that there was a spark. There was something here and she felt it too. Her eyes flickered to my lips and I knew that I could have her right here and now if I wanted to. It was almost too easy.

"It's time for dinner" She stood up and walked out, leaving me behind. It surprised me, I thought she would jump at the opportunity of being with me and then she just left? Had I read it wrong? No, no way.

She wouldn't look at me during dinner. I could feel bother Reece and Roger's eyes on me but no Autumn, even Siobhan showed more interest in me and that was saying something. She started to open up but now it was as if the bedroom never happened and I was getting frustrated. I know realistically that tonight had been a success, she talked to me like we weren't mortal enemies but I wanted more and I wanted it now. This was one of my more unfortunate qualities, when I want things I want them now. I had worked really hard on this, actively practicing delayed gratification, I just hated it.

That night she was back in my bed and she kept letting her eyes linger on my lips. I wanted to kiss her but my dream didn't let me. It was punishment, she was the one person in the world I wanted so of course I couldn't have her. I didn't even think about killing her that much, I just wanted her to want me. I wanted her in my bed.

I woke up frustrated. I picked up my phone but I realized that I didn't even know if I had her correct number. I decided to take my chances and text her. I could see the way our last conversation played out. She reached out and I didn't answer. She sent me five unanswered messages before she stopped. I felt a little bad, but not enough to leave her alone. What could I say that would make her come around? I thought about the boat 'Mia... I know that you are going to think that I am pathetic. I know you... I just missed you' there it was. The perfect line to get her back. It was so simple that I almost didn't think of it. I didn't wait until morning, I sent it straight away.

'Autumn... I missed you too'