Mercy

Part 7: Honesty

"So you like pain? Is that it?" Charlotte looks confused. The tea was long gone and to be honest I was getting bored. She was still not wearing her dress and every now and again I looked at her body. I don't know if it was the way the bruises were painted over her almost white chest but it was beautiful. She blushed when I looked at her like this. I realize that she might actually get off on this. Sure she had a boyfriend but that doesn't mean much.

"Sometimes" She breaks eye contact. She might like pain but she felt a lot of guilt about it. I don't understand guilt. It seems like a useless emotion. I understand its use. You do something wrong and people shame you, that way you learn. I too studied psychology in high school. The whole concept just seemed stupid. I decide what is right and wrong, I change my behaviour not some emotion caused by people I don't respect. "When I chose it" She said after a short pause. Maybe that made her less ashamed, she liked pain but she didn't like when her boyfriend beat the shit out of her. Fair enough.

"Is that why you are here? Is this you choosing pain?" She started to play with the ring on her left middle finger. She didn't want to answer and I could tell that she was getting upset. I can do that, you know, I understand when people have emotions I just don't feel anything about it. Kind of like if you find out that your co-worker bought a new microwave. You can tell that you are expected to have some kind of response but who in their right mind would care about that?

Charlotte's silence was infuriating but it also gave me the possibility to think about how this could play out. I was actually pretty confident that I could get away with this now. An abusive partner is a great suspect for a missing woman. I knew that there would be media coverage, she was a pretty white woman, people were going to eat this up. When the information about the domestic violence reaches the masses he won't even have to be convicted, people will assume that he did it. I started to think about all the things I could do to her. Then all the things I could make her do to herself and all the sick little scenarios I could let her act out. My heart was racing, I felt like a shark and Charlotte just woke my bloodlust. Then she looked at me and I felt something else... Something different.

"Can I keep asking you things?" She looked at me with kind eyes. She wanted to know me and for once I really wanted to be known. This was what I had been missing and I think that this is what I could have had with Deliah, had I not been young and dumb.

"Sure. Ask me" There was a small tingle in my tummy, that was new. Were we connecting? Was this what people felt towards one another?

"Who was your first?"

"Well... Sometimes I think of my mom as my first but it was liver failure. I was in the room when she passed and that is when I figured it out. I figured out that I wanted to kill people. But if we are talking about physically putting my hands on and ending a persons life, which I believe you are?" Charlotte nods and leans in. "Her name was Delia. I was sixteen" I smiled, I often did when thinking of Deliah.

"Why her?"

"I... It was easy. You remind me of her a little. I think that she wanted to die, just like you. Except she wanted love too" I wanted to ask her if she wanted the same thing. If she wanted me to kiss her before she left.

"Love?"

"Yeah, we were drunk and she told me that if I kissed her like I meant it, she would let me kill her" It sounded strange and a little stupid. I guess you would have to have been there to really understand.

"Did you?"

"Yes" It was a stupid question. I just told her that she was the first person I killed.

"No, I mean... Did you mean it?" Did I mean it? It was a good question and I had not thought about it. I did love Dee, she was my first and she gave herself to me, I couldn't have asked for anything more... but did I mean it when I kissed her. Deep down I knew the answer but I still thought it over.

"No" I'm honest and why shouldn't I be. That is the one thing that sets this relationship apart from any other, I am honest.

"Have you loved anyone?" I realize that I can no longer read Charlotte. I have no idea what she is thinking, I don't understand the look she is giving me and I can't grasp why I'm feeling so strange. I have never felt bad about my lack of attachment until this very moment. I wish I could tell her yes and tell some lovely story but I couldn't.

"No. I haven't"

"Me neither" She smiles and all of a sudden it feels like all my honest answers have been correct and I smile back. "Do you think that she believed you? Deliah, I mean. Did she believe the kiss?" I had never asked myself that question, it didn't matter but for some reason Charlotte thought it did.

"I can't answer that, but she didn't fight back after it. She let me take her, so I think, I think she might have believed me" At first she looks happy but her face changes and I can see pain or maybe just sadness. "Charlotte. Why do you want to die?"

"I just want it all to stop. I just want everything to stop hurting" She looked defeated and I realized that she was my opposite. She felt everything and I felt nothing at all. This was the moment when I was convinced that we were soulmates. My stomach turned.

"Do you care how I do it?" I had to go back to thinking about how to kill her. I was getting uncomfortable with this feeling. Did I like her?

"How much time do I have to think about it?"

"Are you asking me when I am going to kill you?"

"I guess so" She looked like she was in deep thought then she smiled. "Do you want to know something funny?"

"Sure?" Once again I was taken aback. What could be funny to her right now?

"I've spent so much time thinking of the perfect way to die. The best way to kill myself. I never even considered that it might be out of my hands. I never thought I would die any other way but by my own hands" Funny isn't the word I would use to describe what Charlotte just said, maybe ironic.

"That can't be true. You must have thought about natural causes?"

"Nope" She pops her 'p' again. "I always thought I would do it by myself and alone... and now, now it won't be by my own doing or alone. It is funny how things work out I guess" I can't help but think that it is sweet. She is sweet. "Do you have a picture of your mom?" I snap out of my thoughts. I did but I wasn't sure that I wanted to show her it. It felt personal. But I guess that if I were going to show anyone the picture of my mother, it would be her. I stood up and walked to a small closet. I had a box of old family pictures. I kept them as souvenirs I guess, something to look back on. I pulled out a picture of my mom, if you didn't know her she probably looked like a nice caring mother. Neglect doesn't not translate into photography.

I hand her the picture and take a seat again but she stands up. She holds the picture in her hand and looks at it as she walks to me. She puts her fingers under my chin and looks at me, then she looks at the picture again.

"She is beautiful, but not like you" She smiles. "Amelia" she pauses. "Do you feel?"

"Of course I do" I was offended and I don't know why. She crouches down in front of me and sits on her knees. She puts her hands on my legs and she looks at me.

"What do you feel?" I couldn't come up with an answer. I felt a lot of things. I felt hungry. I felt like I had been sitting down for too long. I felt her hands on me and when I realized that I felt a tingle in my stomach again. I realized that she made me feel something.

"I feel you" I look at her and I wait for some kind of answer. She looks up at me and she looks so small and maybe even helpless, then she reaches her hands and puts them around my neck. She pulled me down and I let her. I kissed her the same way I kissed Deliah. It was soft and slow and fake with emotion.

"I could tell..."

"What?"

"I could tell that you didn't mean it" She was talking about the kiss. Should I feel bad? I decide to stand and I pull her up along with me. We stand together, none of this makes sense. "Are you going to kill me?" I nod. "Good" Just like that I pull her in and I kiss her. She is surprised and she almost tries to move away, it is perfect. I push her into the wall and her head hits it, hard. I smile and I can hear a groan from her. I put my hands around her neck and I heard her moan. Is this love?

I break away and I look at her. She is still only in her bra and tights. Her hair is a little messy and it looks beautiful. I go to the counter and grab a knife then I walk to the bedroom and she follows me. It is becoming very obvious to me what I want.