Mercy

Part 19: 'Show Up'

I was going to make this up to her, I had to. I arrived on time, I didn't want to seem desperate. Was I overthinking this? Probably. I saw her and I felt like a kid, a stupid kid with a crush on the popular girl and that knew damn well that this would be an uphill battle. I was willing to make that climb. I greeted the whole family. Siobhan and Autumn were whispering together so I joined Reece. Roger was in a screaming match with someone on the phone. Had he even noticed the interactions between Autumn and Siobhan. Their relationship worried me, no, it made me feel sick in fact.

"So what is going on with your new mommy and Aut?" I tried to sound as casual as possible. I imagined that he would get defensive or something but he just looked tired.

"I have no idea Mia... No clue" He finished the drink he had in his hand and went across the room to get another. I stood up and followed him.

"Reece. Are you ok?" He took his next drink as a shot and poured himself another one immediately. He was not ok.

"No. No I am not" He avoided my attempt to look him in the eyes. "Do you... Do you think that I'll turn out like him?" I came to the conclusion that something had happened where he had reacted like Roger. To be truthful we all had a little of Roger in us even though we fought it. Autumn and Reece fought it harder than me, but still, I did not want to become Roger.

"Hey. Look at me. You are nothing like your father. Nothing" If there is one person I owe comfort it was Reece and I gave it to him. I had decided that 'showing up' meant more than being there for Autumn, I had to be absolved of my sins and what I did to the siblings growing up was not right.

"I am... Mia I screamed at a kid today. He is nineteen and I... I made him feel worthless. I could see it in his eyes that I took something away from him, just like dad did when I... I just don't want to be like that"

"You fucked up. You really fucked up, but you can still do something about it. Own up to it. Do what he never could" I gestured to Roger. "He did a lot of damage but he never broke you. You were always better than him" I paused. "I think that is your mom, I think that she left enough good in you to make sure you would never be like him" I took the drink from his hand and finished it. I smiled at him. "You're a sloppy drunk Reece and I need you to get through this dinner" I winked at him and I finally made him smile. It was a good deed and although it didn't come naturally, it felt good.

Reece sat beside me and Siobhan across from me. She and Autumn sat together, just like last time. They talked like friends and I don't think I had seen either woman smile the way that they did to each other. Reece bumped my leg with his making me look at him.

"You are staring!" He whispered.

"And you are not?" I had seen him in my peripheral vision and he was not much more subtle than me. "Oh, you don't have the hots for mommy, do you?" I smirked and he actually looked disgusted. Reece didn't have the ability to hide his emotions, not like me or Aut. It was endearing.

"Ewww! Don't ever call her that again"

"What? It's funny"

"No Mia, it is weird as fuck"

"Doesn't matter, it looks like Autumn is already working that angle" We both looked at them and they were sitting too close. It looked like Autumn's hand had found her thigh again.

"No, Mia. Eww. You can't honestly think that THAT is what is happening?"

"If it walks like a duck" Reece looked genuinely disturbed. What had he thought was going on, a book club.

We got through dinner and once again I followed Autumn out to the hallway.

"Hey, wait" I caught her before she entered the bathroom this time.

"What?"

"Wow. That is a warm greeting"

"What did you expect? A hug?" She smirks and she looks beautiful.

"Look, I am not going to do anything or push you into any bathrooms or pin you against any walls" She raised her eyebrows. "I know I can't take back anything that I did but I want to try to do something to make it better"

"Amelia-" I liked that she still called me that. She used to switch a lot between that and Mia but she was one of the few people who knew that I really preferred Amelia.

"Just hear me out. Ok, so, I was talking to this lady at work"

"One of the old people?" She interrupted looking amused.

"Yes. Why does that matter?"

"I just can't imagine you like that" She tried to make fun of me but I didn't mind. I had a good comeback here about how she liked to imagine me but I held my tongue for once.

"Anyways! She told me that I should 'show up' for you. Like that I should be here for you and not expect anything back. That I can't force you to let me in"

"You talked about me? With the old people?"

"No, I talked about you to ONE old person. Ok? Back to my thing. I don't know how to 'show up' and I don't know if you want me to. I mean I know you don't want me to right now, but I have to start somewhere. So here it is" I took a deep breath. "I am sorry for shutting you out. Not only when I moved out but when we were kids. I know that you needed a friend but I was too selfish to give you that time" This was embarrassing, but I was really trying. "I let Roger use me, I shouldn't. But I was a kid and he gave me the roof over my head. It is not ok, and it is not an excuse but that was why I did it" I think that she is buying it. Not that there is a lot to buy, this is what happened but I withheld some information to make myself sound less compliant. "I didn't know that I missed you until I saw you again. I didn't know I was attracted to you until that first family dinner back and I know that I have been obsessing over you. That is not your problem and I will stop. I will try really hard to stop" I wouldn't stop but I would change strategies. I could hide it, I could be sweet, I could wait.

"And you got this whole realization from a conversation with the old person?" She was not too impressed with my attempt at an apology and I felt annoyed.

"Yes. Did you hear anything else or should we just talk about the old person?" She could tell that I was annoyed and I could see that she really wanted to smile but she kept a collected expression on her face.

"Ok"

"What-" She cut me off with a soft kiss.

"I can't trust you Amelia, but I see that you are trying and I guess that is something" She started to walk off. "Tell your old person that it was pretty good advice" I wonder what Maggie would have thought about this. What she would have thought about me; had I not killed her.

Autumn ended up taking Siobhan home that night and I wondered what that meant. I wondered what they talked about and I wondered what their touches meant. It felt like it should be platonic, maybe they just connected over their shared disdain for Roger. To be truthful I didn't want it to bother me but it really did. All I could do was picture them. Autumn would drive her home and Siobhan would invite her in. They wouldn't wait until they got into the apartment but Autumn would push her into the wall and start to kiss her in the hallway. For a moment I wondered if she was the person who had been in the apartment before me that night I fucked Autumn on her couch.

I felt a burning sensation in my stomach when I pictured how Autumn would undress the other woman. I got sick any way I imagined it, if it was rough it was bad but if it was soft it might be worse. What if they fell in love? What if Autumn whispers small proclamations of love into Siobhan's ears as she was on top of her slowly fucking her with her fingers. What if Siobhan told her that she loved her after she came and they cuddled up together. What if Autumn felt safer than she ever had and what if Siobhan was happy? It was absolutely disgusting.