Mercy

Part 2: First

A/N: There is murder, suicide and talk of mental illness in a way that might not be super if you are going through it right now. I make it sound worse than it is, but still. If you have a shit day this might not be for you. Take care of yourselves. 
/N

Roger Knight was not a killer he was something else, something some would argue is worse, a businessman. I knew that he had not taken a life, I can not explain it but I was certain of this. He did however make people disappear and isn't that just as bad. Is being the man that makes the call so much better than the man who answers it? We were similar but we were not the same. Roger struggled with his relationships, I did not. It was as if he didn't know how to put on a 'nice face' properly. I learned to wear the mask and I made sure that any aggression or what society might deem inappropriate impulses were not visible. Maybe I was just better at this than Roger or maybe we were not as similar as he thought when he met me as a child. 

I realized that he wanted a prodigy and I did think about it but his job was high profile and I wanted to fly under the radar. Why did I want to fly under the radar? Well... The thought stuck me in one of my daydreams about killing my mom. There were a lot of terminally ill people, no one would question their passing and wouldn't I be doing them a favour? I never want to live in some elderly home, not remembering to put my pants on and waiting for death, to have death delivered would be a blessing, right? I was still in my teens so I knew I had to wait but I could wait. I had to wait until I could get a job and become a part of the scenery, then I would have free range. I worked out how to do it, how to kill them. I thought about different ways to do it. I thought about trying out different techniques. I started to dream about them, the people I would kill. I dreamt about how I would do it, how it felt seeing them leave. Some might fight me but I wouldn't stop, I couldn't stop, they would tell on me. Maybe I liked it, maybe I liked the idea of them fighting back.

Years went by and I turned sixteen. Things were good, I worked on my social skills and I made friends. No one thinks that a normal and popular kid will grow up to be a killer. It was always the weird, quiet and bullied ones that became serial killers, I was none of the above. My life was becoming a long con and I didn't mind, but something was wrong. Well... Let's just say that there was a small hiccup.

It was a tale as old as time. Girl meets girl. One girl gets obsessed with the other. Girl tries to give the other any and everything she wants... I realize that this is a ticking time bomb, but I did not stop. It was fun.

The girl in question was named Deliah and Deliah really liked me. She was Autumn's friend and she was two years younger than me. She was just a kid but something about her made her different. She would infantilize herself, especially around men but then she switched and around me she acted like a grown up. I saw something in her that I didn't often see, she was crazy. Some might say that I am crazy but not like this, not like Deliah. She had an obsession with me and I could tell that it hurt Autumn that she wanted to be around me and that was perfect. I didn't necessarily want to hurt Autumn, I still needed her and her family but it was perfect because it made it so easy to make Deliah hide any relationship we had. No one knew that we spent time together and no one knew where we went at night.

We snuck out to see each other, she got me cigarettes and alcohol. I was not sure how she had access to it, to be honest I think that she stole it. I liked drinking, it made everything feel a little less serious and more relaxed. It did however also make me a little too loose-lipped, something I would be more careful with in my later years. Our usual spot was behind a church in a graveyard. It sounds lame but it was her choice and I didn't have a better one so graveyard it was.

We hung out and got drunk. Deliah knew a lot of things about the people at our school. It was mildly interesting but she also knew things about the parents and that was useful. I told her things about myself sometimes because it had to be an exchange of sorts, I had learned this, otherwise she would stop telling me secrets. I knew that she was into me. It was both worse and better than Autumn liking me. Autumn was like a little sister and I could play it off, Delilah was not like a sister. She had just turned fifteen and I was about to turn seventeen, two years is not a lot but at that age it was. She had barely kissed anyone and I had... Well I had done things, it wasn't bad and I gained for it so it was all good. The point is that in your teens two years is a lot. It is not that I have strong morals, but I do calculate risk and if it got out I would be in trouble.

So... We talked a lot and I learned that she was in fact crazy, they don't call it that. It was some kind of personality disorder that her parents refused to give her any support or care for and she told me that she sometimes heard things. She told me that she heard the voices of angels and sometimes demons. I found this interesting, maybe even exciting. She got sad and cried about 'wanting to be normal', it was pathetic. I wondered if she wanted to die, so I asked her. She looked at me, not scared but taken aback. I told her that I thought about it, it was a lie I never thought about killing myself.

"If you ever decide to do it... Would you tell me? Would you let me be with you?" I should not have said that. Fuck.

"You want to... Be there?"

"Yes... Look, I am going to tell you something that no one knows. Would you keep a secret for me? Even if it is bad" I couldn't stop myself. She looked so scared but she also looked intrigued. She nods. "I think about death, like a lot... And I kind of want to see it. I want to see the light leave someone's eyes" I looked at her and she took a step towards me. She kissed me. I didn't really think this would be a turn on. I didn't kiss her back.

"Will you kiss me back if I let you?" My heart started to raise. I didn't feel excited often. She stepped closer again and leaned in to whisper "I'll even let you do it. Just. Just kiss me like you mean it" To some this might sound heart-breaking but to me it lit a fire in my chest. I put my mouth on hers and I kissed her slowly. I tried to imagine one of those romance movies girls liked and make it as real as possible. She put her hands in my hair and I put my hands around her neck. She didn't pull away when I started to choke her, isn't that sweet?

Deliah was the first person I killed. She was the first person I held down as I squeezed the life out of her. It took longer than expected and it took a lot of force even though she didn't put up much of a fight. I managed to make eye contact with her just as she passed, it was beautiful. The muscles around her eyes relaxed and then the pupils stopped responding and dilated. Her jaw lost its tension and it almost hung open. I spent time with the body, she was my first after all and you never forget your first.

Then panic set in. Not because I killed someone but God I had been so fucking careless. I didn't have a plan. How was I supposed to move her? Where should I put her? I ran through scenarios, and I couldn't work it out. I was supposed to be smarter than this. It ended up with me calling Roger. I knew that he had hired someone once to make a man disappear, and I didn't have anyone else to call so I called him. He answered and I plainly told him that I just killed a girl. He didn't ask any questions except my location and if there were any witnesses. There was not, I was lucky. The place where me and Deliah met up was far away from the road and in the shadows of the trees. The church itself was on the outskirts of town, few came there even during the day. Thank God for Deliah's taste in hangout spots.

Roger picked me up and told me that it would be dealt with. He wasn't mad and he didn't seem surprised. On the way home we didn't talk but he did tell me two things: He would make this go away and I have to be more careful. I think that he kind of loved me and I think that I kind of loved him. He gave me more than he ever took and he made sure I was safe. That was love, at least I think that is what love is supposed to be.

I never got to know where Deliah ended up. They never found her body and officially she is still a runaway. It made me a little sad or maybe more frustrated to not be able to visit her. It has been a while now but I still go to the graveyard to remember that night.