Mercy

Part 12: Dream Girl (Part 1)

A/N: Hi, so this is a little short, I have a lot going on today. To anyone who is going to the ball: I hope you have a great time! Can't wait to creep on socials tonight.
/N

I kept waking up from nightmares. Some might think it was a guilty conscience. In reality it was more like pondering. I thought about Charlotte and the way she passed. I thought about the things I did to her. I thought about the things I could have done and shouldn't have done. After a couple of days I started to remember my dreams and it did not make my nights any calmer. I would wake up and she was there, to clarify I would wake up inside my own dream and I would see Charlotte beside me. She was already awake and looking at me, waiting for me to stir awake. She wasn't wounded or bloody, she was clean and pretty and she looked just like she did when I first saw her in that pub.

She asked me things and it reminded me of our time together. I still didn't feel bad about what had happened, I think I should have but I didn't. Charlotte was gone and I had accepted that. I have made that decision for myself and I could not afford to question it now. The questions she asked me were similar to what she actually talked to me about that night. She wondered about how killing felt, how killing her felt. We talked about work and we talked about my past. She was curious and I really like that, I wonder if I had been too quick to kill her. What were my alternatives? I guess I could have tied her up and kept her around for a while but of course it was way too late to think of this now. If I had, maybe I would have been able to get that emotional connection.

Sometimes when we were in bed together like this she would kiss me and I would actually kiss her back. The kisses were nothing like reality and I realized that very quickly. Sometimes we did have sex but mostly we just kissed and talked about death. I think I liked my sleeping relationship with Charlotte more than I liked my real relationships. Is that sad to say? I remember thinking that Charlotte was pathetic when I realized she was falling in love with me but this somehow felt way more pathetic. I was spending my dreams talking to a ghost of my own making. This was not Charlotte and I knew that, I knew that I had made her up and that in reality I really wouldn't know what she would think or say. I remembered being puzzled by her and I missed that. It was something my mind could not do. I could not conjure the spirit of curiosity that Charlotte possessed.

It was odd because I had never had dreams like this before, not even with Deliah. Everything felt so real and vivid and when I touched her I felt her and when she touched me It felt like I was wide awake. I don't know just how fucked up if would sound if I told anyone that the sex I had in my dreams were better than the sex I had in real life. Sometimes I woke up still feeling her hands between my legs. I took care of it by myself but I wondered if it would be enough.

I could feel myself acting out at work. I forgot how I was supposed to behave and after a while one of my colleagues actually pulled me aside to ask me if I was ok. I wasn't. I wasn't ok, I was needy and frustrated and I hadn't killed anyone since Charlotte. I was out of balance and I just needed to find my footing again. I gave my colleague a sob story about my dad. I was talking about Roger of course, my biological father barely crossed my mind. The best way to lie is to tell the truth, you just leave out some details. I told her that my controlling father was back in my life and that I would rather he not be. All true. It was believable, no, I was believable so people believed me.

The work incident had been a wake-up call, I needed to sort out my shit and go back to the person I was supposed to be, the person I wanted to be. Sex and murder, that was the two things in my life that bothered me so that is what I had to fix. My solution? I picked out an old lady and started to build trust and as for the sex part... I watched a lot of porn. It wouldn't be hard to go out and pick some poor girl up but it would mean inviting someone into my life, even if just for a night. I didn't want that. Although I masturbated more than I ever had, my dreams of Charlotte would not go away. I should just control myself but it was as if when she touched me I lost all self control.