"The art of writing is the art of discovering what you believe." - Gustave Flaubert
The Gemme Community has always believed in perfection, whether it's for our community, or for our precious gem clients, and today, to acknowledge that perfection, th...
This story is interesting because I used to write like this when I started. Therefore, it makes the review easier for me. It's been a while since I've seen Twilight, so I had to ensure Daisy wasn't a character from the fandom. It doesn't look like she is, so we'll start here.
Undoubtedly, Daisy is the best thing you have going with this draft. Coming from someone who tragically lost her older brother a few years ago, her emotional centerpiece and believable grief are the reason why I gave you such a high score for Characters. You bring her to life from the very first chapter, and I can't wait to see how she develops over time! I sense incredible character development for this OC.
The plot is interesting. While not super original, I like the emotional approach you're taking to it. It flows well, with a few kinks here and there, primarily due to grammatical issues and awkward scene changes. Again, it's been a while since I've seen Twilight, but something tells me you know this fandom and its characters very well, which is crucial for "good (notice I quoted good)" fanfiction. I like the idea behind the Twilight characters taking Daisy in and am interested to see what will happen when the "she's your mate!" part comes, which is very rare for me regarding vampire/werewolf stories. That tells you that you have a good story here.
That said, you do what I did when I was younger—you tell everything instead of showing it. The prologue is not proper; it's merely an overview of Daisy's life and her character. It would be best if you showed the car crashes and her reaction to her parent's death (think of a movie montage), not tell it. Prologues are not overviews; they are part of the story and must be shown as part of it. I did this with prologues, too, until I learned this rule. A wise author once told me that storytelling is "action, all action", and you do not have this yet. Remember, "show", don't "tell".
You also head-hop with your characters—meaning you jump back and forth between multiple characters' heads in each chapter. That can confuse readers because it makes for sudden scene changes (it confused me). With each chapter, you want to stay in one person's head. If you choose to move to another character, make it noticeable with line breaks so we don't read about Daisy, and then we're suddenly with the vampires/werewolves.
Grammar is another thing you need to work on. Punctuation marks go inside dialogue boxes, not outside, and many sentence fragments need attention. One example of improper grammar use is in Chapter 2 when Alice meets Daisy in the Cereal aisle. You write, "She was interrupted by the other girl whose grin widened, 'Daisy Blackwell!'" I did this, my friend, I did this. Put a period beside "widened". This sentence is a fragment with a simple correction. A comma would work if you said, "... and she yelled, "Daisy Blackwell!" Many instances like this exist throughout the story, so I advise you to return when you finish this draft and fix it. Grammar makes a lot of difference if you enter contests/review shops.
Regardless, I stand by what I said—this story was interesting to review because it evoked nostalgia for what I did when I was younger. You have a promising piece here with a believable protagonist; you merely need to correct head-hopping, grammar, and scene changes. I enjoyed this story tremendously, so I hope you will challenge yourself to improve it further!
⬦⬥
Please get in touch with your reviewer if you have any questions! Thank you for working with us! We hope these comments will help you improve your story and give you a sense of achievement for writing such a wonderful story.
⬦⬥
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
