"The art of writing is the art of discovering what you believe." - Gustave Flaubert
The Gemme Community has always believed in perfection, whether it's for our community, or for our precious gem clients, and today, to acknowledge that perfection, th...
The cover looks amazing. I love the font you use for the title and how it is the focus of everything.
Title: 7/10
The title seems to summarize the story (I've only read the first five chapters) and does have a level of intrigue, but I feel that it doesn't flow well. It is good, but I believe it could be better and roll off of the tongue a bit better.
Blurb/Description: 8/10
The story description does a good job of drawing the reader in and gaining their interest. I believe rewording a bit would make it flow a bit better. For example the sentence, "The fate of both families was written in a very unusual way." While there isn't anything grammatically wrong with it, it seems a bit awkward.
Creativity and originality: 10/10
The concept of this story is very interesting. It gave off a Romeo and Juliet vibe with, perhaps, a more malicious backstory. I know that the parents don't necessarily seem opposed to the couple in this, which I've seen so far, but I suspect the brother may throw a wrench in things.
Plot and Flow: 10/20
Your plot has the potential for a strong and enticing story, however the flow leaves something to be desired. The interactions between characters seem to constantly hint at more; a history of behavior, a pre-established relationship, etc. I was constantly left with more questions than answers. Why doesn't Brandon feel that his father cares for him as much as he cares for his brother? Why did 'every organ of Eric's body' know he was lying about passing down his legacy to Brandon?
Leaving bits and pieces out to flesh out more in the future is a part of writing and a great tool to keep your readers engaged and on the edge of their seat, but there should be a balance. They should be able to follow the story. It felt like I was missing too much to fully engage.
The pacing was also an issue for me. Everything seemed to happen so quickly; the kids grew up in the blink of an eye, and you didn't get much of the dynamic. Having the family and even employer/employee interactions stretched out a bit more could go a long way to helping readers feel connected to the characters.
Character Development: 9/20
This goes along with the plot and flow. It wasn't that I hated any of the characters, it was that I didn't have the connection TO hate any of the characters. You did well in showing the two faces of each parent, indicating that they weren't really who they showed themselves to be, and you showed that Bran was a troubled child while Matt was the Golden boy, but it was as if we were thrown the facts and not allowed to see them play out.
It's like when you go on a date. You meet up with someone and they read off a check list; I love animals and have twenty cats, I don't speak to my mother and haven't in three years, I dropped out of high school, etc. When someone gives you the facts like that, it's easy to see the red flags and you form an immediate opinion. "This person is nuts! Twenty cats? They couldn't even finish high school?" But if you're told the story (My mom got addicted to pain meds and stopped working. I had to drop out of school to get a job in order to take care of my two younger siblings.) you can see a gray area. You can understand the character better.
Writing style: 7/10
Your style has a lot of potential and like I said, your creativity is there. I look forward to reading more of your work. You're just in a rush to get to the good parts. Take your time and let your readers get to know the characters. They don't have to have action every single second.
Grammar, spellings, etc.: 8/10
Overall, grammar and spelling seem to have been thoroughly checked.
Genre relevance: 10/10
This is definitely relevant to thriller and action. The murders, the betrayal...it's all there and I'm here for it.
Overall: 69/100
It's a lower score, but I don't at all want you to feel discouraged by that! The ability to come up with these stories and create these characters; to breathe life into an entire world, is not something everyone can do and you have that talent without a doubt. I understand that you finished posting this about a month ago and writing out an entire story can be exhausting. Take a step back away from it, don't stress about the opinion of others, and when you're ready to look at it again, start re-reading it. You'd be surprised by how many times an idea just hits you and how that can change the entire thing. I look forward to reading more of your work and please reach out if you disagree, want to clarify, or have any questions.
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Please contact your reviewer if you have any questions! Thank you for working with us! We hope these comments will help you improve your story and give you a sense of achievement for writing such a wonderful story.
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