Divine.

Chapter 7: You Don't Understand, it's Okay

After me and Rio had that sleepover, a week passed and I was irritated by everything that wasn't him. I did still bully him, but more poking and prodding and bothering than bullying... I like him, I admit... But... He's going on that date with Mory today... "Hey, Rio... I have a question." He's with me right now. "Do you like Mory?" He looks away and replies hesitantly.
"Uhm... No..." I don't believe it. I think he does like him... My jacket, if he likes someone else, then I'll take it back, he didn't know...

I wore it just for him. I knew it was his style and it's comfortable, that if I wore it, it would smell like me, and that he gets cold easily. He took it, too... He didn't give it back, but... He probably forgot about it or something while thinking of his new boyfriend...
"Rio." Rio looks at me nervously.
"Yeah?" He's probably nervous because I scare him. Because I hurt him. Because I'm so fucking stupid... He'll never like me back, and there's nothing I'll do about it. Fuck.
"I'm gonna stop bullying you." He looks at me with concern.
"Why? I thought I helped you with your anger?" Fuck, he does, but it was never because I hurt him...

"I don't deserve to be helped, and you shouldn't think of me as someone who you should help." I say as coldly as possible, despite my realization. If I stop bullying him, I don't have any excuses to see him. This is it. Fuck, I wish I wasn't doing this, but he deserves better than the goddamn pain I give... It's because I feel like this for him that I need to let him go, or else all that I'll do is hurt him. All I do is hurt people. All I do is give the people around me sadness. I have nothing going for me except for one-sided love.
I deserve to be away from him, to steer clear so he can be happy.

I deserve it... So... He shouldn't have to be bothered by me anymore...
"S-Selena? Why are you saying this? Why are you-? W-Why..? I... I want to-"
"Want to what.? Get bullied? Don't make me laugh, I bring you nothing but pain... Think of it as a generous gift that I won't spend your time hurting you, Rio." He looks at me and looks sad. He's probably sad because I'm leaving so easily. I could've left him alone. So. Fucking. Easily. And instead of doing that, I've just now decided to leave him alone...
"What about seeing you everyday?"
"You won't have to worry about me asking for you anymore."

Fuck, I might cry, I'm sad about leaving him. It's for the best, he deserves the best with the love of his life... Mory... "I'll leave you alone, Rio." He looks at me, he looks like he's about to cry. It's from relief, I guess... I watch him cry for a few seconds and I'm resisting the urge to change my mind about this before remembering that Mory can comfort him. With that, I leave the room. I leave Rio. I leave the love of my life behind. Surely, I can do with being alone. At the end of the day, I'm not a better person than I am, and Rio deserves better. I walk slowly to the bathroom. No one's here. Great. I look at myself in the mirror before sliding down onto the floor against the wall and cry.

So, I'm ugly, unwanted, deservedly alone, and miserable. I guess this is how it should always be. I should finish my education, get a job, and live on miserable. I deserve this, I don't deserve to pity myself with these tears... Stop, Selena... Stop... I force myself to stop crying and check my watch, the bell's gonna ring soon, I need to get to my first class. "Stop sulking, you stupid fucking bitch," I mutter to myself, looking in the mirror and noticing my puffy eyes, "You're so fucking ugly, no wonder he doesn't love you." I leave the bathroom. I grab my things for my first class locker and go to class. My teacher glances at me.

"Are you okay?" She asks. The other girls at my table look at me and notice my melancholy attitude.
"I'm fine, thank you, Mrs. Stevens." I give her a fake smile and tone. Nothing genuine about me, huh? I bet Rio always sees right through me, which is why him walking into class right now is a sight that isn't the most welcome right now- Wait a minute, is his eyes puffy? Nope, nope, I'm just being delusional because I like him. He would never be sad because of me. Fuck, I'm a terrible person. I hate myself.

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