Doubts - Regretful ex-Fiancé

Chapter 13 | ✓

Memories... I have so many of them.

I could fill an empty room with my memories, and it might still not be enough to hold them all. I often feel like I could dive into the thoughts that visit me daily, as they are both strong and bittersweet. I struggle to keep them from constantly bothering me. I could say the memories are about my mother and the painful experiences she caused me, or about my sister and my wish for a better relationship with her. But that wouldn't be the whole truth... those memories hurt, yet they aren't the ones that truly torment me.

I find myself overwhelmed by memories of a man who once invited me to dinner, and I eventually said yes. I recall our first night together, the sensation of his kiss on my neck... how he removed my dress and lifted me into his bed. I remember waking up the next morning, feeling insecure and embarrassed, even after months since our first date... still wondering if things would feel awkward or if he would see me differently. I remember curling up in a ball of embarrassment until I felt his arm wrap around my waist and heard him softly say, "Did you sleep well, my love?" These are the memories I cannot forget.

Waking up next to him that first day felt like a dream. Jonathan led me to his kitchen, seated me in a chair, and kissed me softly before he began making breakfast for us. He was only in sweatpants, and I couldn't help but admire his amazing physique. I wasn't sure what to expect. Part of me worried he might ask me to leave or say a cold goodbye. I also feared he might make an awkward comment about our night together. But he seemed happy and wasn't rushing to send me home. Instead, he invited me to spend the day with him, and I found myself in his bed for the second night in a row.

"I want you to meet my brothers," he said less than two months later. By then, we had developed a routine of being together almost every night, and our relationship only grew stronger with time. When he invited me, I felt it was too soon. I wasn't ready to discuss family; it was a painful topic for me, and I didn't want to deceive Jonathan. He was always so gentle and caring.

I continued working at the vegetable supply company, even though Jonathan had offered me a better position at one of his restaurants. I turned it down, not wanting to create complications or give the impression that I was with him for anything other than who he was. He didn't push the issue again, but meeting his brothers was something he had mentioned constantly, and he seemed determined to make it happen.

"I've already mentioned you to them. How can I not introduce my woman to them?" It was the first time I heard him call me that, and it filled me with warmth.

"Your brothers might find it odd... that I'm not very successful? Just a regular working girl? I don't want to let anyone down. Maybe this isn't the right time?" I said, nervously twisting my hands. We were alone in Jonathan's apartment, which was next to the restaurant he owned.

"Don't you want to meet them? They would never treat you differently," he said confidently. I wasn't so sure and just looked at him, unsure of how to respond. "Don't you want me to meet your family too?" he asked suddenly, and I felt like the ground had vanished beneath me. A chilling fear gripped me, and my vision blurred from the intensity of my anxiety. "Isabella? Babe, are you alright?" he said, quickly moving closer and wrapping his arms around my shoulders.

He couldn't know... I wouldn't say, ever. I didn't want him to find out. Everything would change if he knew about them, wouldn't it? 

The family I always wished for with him, the life I always dreamed of with him... it would all be gone. Jonathan would never understand my family's circumstances.

I allowed him to embrace me, feeling the heaviness of my decision weighing down on me, like a thick cloak that I couldn't see but wrapped around me uncomfortably. Jonathan was softly speaking to me, his warmth seeping through my clothes... I knew I shouldn't be doing this... that it wouldn't lead to anything good, but...