Doubts - Regretful ex-Fiancé

Chapter 16 | ✓

"He requested that his belongings be taken away," Mason mentioned as we arrived at my apartment two days after I got Jonathan's letter. Jonathan was not here anymore. Even though I had received two more texts from Jonathan, I chose not to reply or return his calls. In his final message, he pleaded, "I am begging you... please, darling," which led me to block his number in distress. It felt like nothing he could do would change the situation we were in. I was at a loss for how to forgive him.

I struggled with the idea of saying yes. Deep down, I longed to be with him again. I wished he could persuade me to forgive him. Yet, it felt impossible to move past what had happened. It was as if a deep chasm had opened up, and I feared that if I took that leap, I would lose my self-respect. Forgiveness felt like a weakness, and giving him another chance made me feel diminished in my own eyes.

I felt like I would lose a part of myself if I said... I forgive you... Let's start over... I will give you a new chance... The night before I went home, I couldn't sleep well because I was scared of what I would find. I wanted him to leave, but not like that... it was all so confusing.

The thought of him not being there made me feel hollow. I was anxious about a future where he might be with someone else and have kids with another woman. I wasn't sure if my pride was stopping me from saying yes or if there was something deeper inside me that resisted. He had hurt me... very deeply... but maybe he really felt sorry for what he did.

"He called me yesterday to tell me since he couldn't reach you directly. He asked you to get in touch, whether by call, letter or even a smoke signal, just so he would know if you were okay with him moving away. But he said he wouldn't reach out because he thinks that's what you want right now," Mason said. He had followed me home with Mia in his car. The drive was hard for me as I kept thinking about whether I should forgive Jonathan. Was it worth it? Maybe it was the right choice?

Maybe I should just move on and let him get over me without reaching out again. At that moment, Mia stepped out of the car to say goodbye. She hugged me tightly and repeated her earlier advice, "Why not take a few days to think it over? You could talk to Jonathan and consider counseling together. Maybe you want to forgive him but don't know how?" She was right on that one.

I realized this now, especially with Jonathan pulling away. I didn't know how to forgive him, yet I didn't want to be without him. I didn't have many examples of forgiveness in my life. My mother and sister taught me to avoid problems, to dislike my life, and to feel shame and fear. But forgiveness? I thought it would come to me naturally, like a feeling that would help me see Jonathan differently. But it seemed that wouldn't happen without some effort on my part.Mia's suggestion of counseling didn't sound so bad. What was the worst that could happen if I tried to better myself? Maybe forgiveness was a journey that required hard work. I thought I would feel relief and happiness with Jonathan gone, but instead, I felt anguish and fear.

Looking back, I realize there were many things I could improve about myself. At times, I felt worthless, especially after Jonathan called me those names. I often believed that the bad things in my life were just fate. I compared myself to others and thought they were better than me. This made me weaker than I could have been. My insecurity showed when I struggled to share my past with Jonathan.

When I told him I had no family or siblings, I thought I was protecting myself, but it only revealed my fear of judgment. Even though Jonathan always said he would support me, I chose to hide the truth with a foolish lie. Yes, he had hurt me and said terrible things, but the real issue was my self-perception. Why did I feel ashamed? Why did I see myself as less? What was wrong with being born into a less fortunate family? With that thought in mind, I hugged Mia and Mason, said goodbye, and went into my building, heading straight to my apartment.