After

My Baby.

The next day arrives. Our 2 months. I message her asking when she'd want me to come, or if something happened then she could come to me. I didn't hear from her for a good 30 minutes. She messaged me back after. "Sorry my mums having a panic attack, i'm worried, my dads not home i can't leave her. I don't think i'll be able to see you, sorry baby." Oh.
Well i couldn't really fault it because if that was my step mum i'd be doing the exact same. I said Okay. Around 40 minutes pass. I hadn't heard from Mill.

I message her a total of 12 times and she didn't answer none of them. I went on the maps to see when she was last active. The map showed that her and Taneesha was walking around her area. Did she lie? Did she not want to see me? I crashed out. I messaged Millie in rage. I was so angry. Did she really just lie? To cancel our plans.
Why would she do that? Did i do something wrong? 1 million things crossed my mind. I argued in rage. I was furious. She tried to explain that her dad got home and Taneesha had just showed up. I didn't see that. I saw red. I shouldn't have done that. Someone should've warned me. I got a message 5 minutes later. That read.

"ayce i can't do this anymore, you make anything so dramatic. i don't want anything with you anymore. you make everything such a big deal, and it's really not a problem. you expect me to just forgive you after everything you have done, but as soon as i do a little thing it's a massive argument. and yes i have changed because i've learnt to fight back. and not let you get away with it anymore. i'm done ayce. this relationship clearly isn't working for any of us."

I went to speak. My thumbs hovered over my keyboard as i was going to type a whole essay. "oh." i reply. I power my phone off. I feel my breath withdrawing. I begin to get goosebumps all over my body. Gasping to catch a breath, as puddles poor down my face. I grab my phone and money and head out. I power off. I shut myself away from the world. I head on a long walk. Our walk. Mine and Mills. Along the motorway bridge. Staring at where we sat. Where we had our first conversation. I needed someone in this situation. I needed Ben. I rushed to bens tree. Ignoring every call and message on my phone. I needed to talk to him. I missed my buddy.

As i climb on top of the tree, with our favourite songs blasting through my headphones. I step on Bens rope. The only thing he had left behind. I pick it up. Running my fingers along it. I sit over the edge of the tree. Under me was a 7feet ditch. Where he hung. I sit in tears. I've lost everything. What the fuck do i have now?
I rap the rope around my neck. Double notting it tight. I stand. With one foot over the edge. Tears streaming down my face. I take a step. My foot latches on a branch. Fuck sake. Gasping for air i reach myself up to the edge to get my foot out the crevice of the branch. That was Ben. He needs me to stay. I go outside the local cafe. Meeting a man. He goes into the market for me to get me Alcohol and some paracetamol for my head. I sit on the pavement.

With my head up in my hands. I miss my baby. She was all i had. I necked the whiskey i had in my hands. I felt the burning drip of it down my throat. My vision was blurry. Staring at the box of paracetamol in my hands. I tear it open and take 4 at a time until i had finished 2 and a half boxes. I've let my anger swallow me. I didn't know where i was. I was in a familiar place. Where was my way home? I needed my momma. After 30 minutes i found my way back home. I came in and broke down in her arms. "I've lost her momma, i fucked the whole thing up." She ran her fingers through my hair and she could smell the sour scent of whiskey on my hoodie. My dad kneels down.
"Look son, don't beat yourself up over it. I got you my boy. How much have you had?" I tell him everything in honesty. Sober me would lie. He wasn't disappointed, he just wanted to help.

I didn't eat that night. I just went to sleep.
The first night. Without her.
Without my baby.