𝐁𝐋𝐈𝐍𝐃 𝐃𝐀𝐓𝐄 | 𝐊. 𝐊𝐄𝐍𝐌𝐀

# thirty-four

#34 | I DONT THINK I CAN LOVE YOU UNTIL YOU LOVE YOURSELF

Kenma arrived at your apartment just as the sun was setting, the golden hues of the sky clashing with the dread in your chest. His knock was firm, deliberate, and it echoed in the heavy silence of your apartment. You hesitated before opening the door, your hand trembling on the handle. When you finally did, the sight of him took your breath away—not because he was particularly dressed up or disheveled, but because of the weight in his gaze.

"Can we talk?" he asked softly, his voice neutral but carrying an edge of urgency.

You nodded, stepping aside to let him in. He moved with an uncharacteristic stiffness, his usual calm replaced with something restrained. You could tell he was holding himself together, but barely.

As he sat on the edge of your couch, you perched on the armchair across from him. The air was thick, heavy with unspoken words.

"I don't even know where to start," he finally said, breaking the silence. His hands rested on his knees, clenched into fists, but his eyes never left yours.

"Start wherever you need to," you murmured, though your voice cracked, betraying your own turmoil.

Kenma took a deep breath, exhaling slowly as if he was trying to steady himself. "Y/n, what's happening between us? Lately, it feels like there's this... wall. And I don't know if I put it there or if you did, but it's suffocating."

You looked down at your hands, unable to meet his gaze. "I don't know. I don't know what to say."

"Then let me help," he said, leaning forward slightly. His tone wasn't sharp, but there was a quiet urgency to it. "You've been distant. You've been avoiding me, dodging my calls, my texts. And then, today, you asked me if I was cheating on you." His voice broke slightly on the last word, and it twisted your heart.

"I didn't mean it like that," you whispered, finally meeting his eyes. They were filled with hurt, the kind that made your stomach churn. "I just... I couldn't stop thinking about what people were saying."

"Y/n," he said, his voice firmer now, "since when do strangers on the internet dictate what's real in our relationship? When did their opinions start to matter more than mine?"

"It's not like that," you said quickly, but your voice lacked conviction. "It's just—Kenma, you don't understand what it's like. Every time I open my phone, it's there. People calling me unworthy, saying I'm holding you back. Saying you're better off with someone else, or—or that you already are with someone else."

"Why do you care what they think?" he asked, his tone rising slightly, though his frustration wasn't directed at you—it was at the situation. "Y/n, they don't know you. They don't know us."

"You don't understand," you repeated, your voice trembling. "They don't just criticize me. They dissect everything—my looks, my personality, the way I breathe, the way I smile next to you. And it's relentless."

Kenma shook his head, running a hand through his hair. "And instead of coming to me about it, you let it eat away at you. You let it fester until you started believing them."

"I didn't want to burden you," you said, tears welling up. "You already have so much on your plate with your career, your streams, your company. I didn't want to add my insecurities to that."

"But you didn't give me a chance to help!" he said, standing up abruptly. His voice cracked, and for the first time, his composure slipped. "Do you know how it feels to be blindsided like this? To know the person I love doesn't trust me enough to tell me what's bothering them?"

"Kenma, I'm sorry," you said, standing up as well. "I didn't know how to talk about it. Every time I tried, it felt like I was accusing you of something. And I didn't want to be that person."

"But you are being that person," he said quietly, his voice laden with pain. "You're letting them win, Y/n. You're letting their lies come between us."

Tears streamed down your face as you stepped closer to him. "I didn't mean for it to be like this. I love you, Kenma. I do. But I don't know how to stop feeling like this. Like I'm not good enough for you."

Kenma's expression softened for a moment, and he reached out as if to touch your face, but he stopped himself. "You are good enough," he said, his voice trembling. "You've always been good enough. But you have to believe that. Because if you don't, no matter how much I love you, it won't be enough to fix this."

His words hit you like a freight train, and you stumbled back a step, the weight of them too much to bear. "So what are you saying? That this is my fault?"

"I'm not blaming you," he said quickly. "But I can't fight this battle alone. I need you to be on my side, Y/n. Not theirs. And right now, it feels like you're not."

"I'm trying," you said, your voice breaking. "But it's hard when every day feels like a war zone. When I feel like I have to defend our relationship to people who don't even know us."

"And I've been here," he said, his voice rising slightly. "I've been here with you, loving you, supporting you, fighting for us. But you didn't even tell me you were struggling. You just... let it destroy you. And now it's destroying us."

There was a long, heavy silence as his words hung in the air. Finally, Kenma exhaled shakily, his shoulders slumping as if the weight of everything was too much to carry.

"I love you," he said, his voice breaking. "I love you so much, Y/n. But I can't do this. I can't date someone who believes strangers on Twitter over me. I'm sorry."

"Kenma, please," you said, reaching out to him, desperation in your voice. "Don't do this. Don't let them take you away from me."

He looked at you, his golden eyes filled with tears that he refused to let fall. "I'm not letting them take me away. You are."

His words felt like a knife to your chest, and you gasped as if the air had been knocked out of you. "I didn't mean to," you whispered, your voice barely audible.

"I know," he said, his voice soft but unyielding. "And that's what makes this so much harder."

He took a step back, his hands clenching and unclenching at his sides as if he was fighting the urge to stay. "I'm sorry, Y/n. I'm so sorry. But I don't think I can date you until you can trust me over some rumors."

And then, without another word, he turned and walked out the door.

You stood there, frozen, as the sound of the door closing echoed in the silence. The room felt emptier than it ever had before, and the weight of his absence settled over you like a suffocating blanket.

You sank to the floor, sobs wracking your body as the reality of what had just happened set in. Kenma was gone, and it felt like a piece of your soul had gone with him.

No amount of apologies or explanations could change what had happened. You had lost him—not to the rumors or the people who spread them, but to your own inability to believe in him. And as the hours passed, the pain only grew, a constant reminder of what you had lost.

────── end of chapter ──────

▸ Hes gone.

authors note:

good night/morning/evening to everyone, im gonna catch up on some sleep.

i appreciate any votes+comments. stay safe, healthy, and hydrated :D + take care of your mental health!!!