Perish: Book Three (bxb) ✔️

17. We can be anything you want us to be.

August Luna

The first thing I didn't expect to hear was the question that fell out of Kayax's mouth as if he didn't mean for it to come out. The second thing I didn't expect was the sheer amount of vulnerability that accompanied the question. It... pushed and thrashed around in my mind until I was transported back to the memory of that night--the memory I kept locked away in a safe place in my mind.

A memory I didn't want to forget. 

Scoping out that memory--seeing it from an entirely different perspective, I realized that while I was attracted to the glittery superstar, that wasn't who stood in front of me that night. No, the boy who sat patiently in front of me now was the boy who was in front of me that night. 

Kayax dropped his defenses the moment he asked me if I had created a nickname for him, and he asked me... the small voice he used when he asked me to confirm that he'd heard me correctly. It was as if he couldn't believe someone would think about him, let alone me. And thinking back to that night, knowing what I know now, it caused my heart to completely break apart.

I slowly lowered his hand after finishing the final finger for his nails, and I sat up straight as I found his vulnerable gaze. I had a feeling that he didn't know that his walls were completely disengaged right now, and I had to sort through my mind to come up with a proper answer. But to come up with an answer, I had to run that night through my head over and over.

On a regular day, I wouldn't have kissed Kayax back then. Even drunk, I had no wish to kiss him, but the urge came out when he asked me about the nickname. The moment he dropped his walls and showed me the person he truly was, and I had no idea. 

Kayax was this uber-soft yet sassy boy who just wanted to be seen for who he was. He wanted to be cared for, and I knew he was by his Mom, but even then, he didn't have much of a support system, and god, that was all I wanted to be for him. 

I knew it was complicated--more than complicated, but why did it have to be? 

Sure, I had a feeling Papa would try and eat Kayax alive if he ever found out that I had these... insatiable feelings that consumed me for Kayax of all people, but I knew the real person he was. I firmly believed my subconscious hooked onto the real Kayax that night, and that was why I kissed him.

Because he revealed himself to me as someone who wasn't at all self-centered. Someone who had a soft side. Someone who could be vulnerable if the time called for it. And I happened to think that was why I was so fucking pissed off at him. At Salem. Because Kayax let me see that side of him, and then he snatched it away from me and gave my brother a kind friendship. He didn't regard me, but he didn't have a reason to.

I approached him the first time.

I created our war.

And I made him my enemy.

So, my answer was simple. "Because when you showed me the real you that night, I found you hard to resist."

I dropped my attention to his hands, grabbing his hand to check over his nails as he chewed on my response. Not only did I tell him that I was unable to resist his true form, but I'd left the answer open-ended regarding whether or not I still felt that way. I wanted him to ask me if I did, but I wondered if he'd be brave enough to do it.

Kayax spent up most of his available, standing far too tall and for far too long. If he couldn't bravely ask me the question, I'd wait until he could. I knew things were complicated for him right now, and they weren't less complicated where he was concerned on my end, either. But I'd be willing to tuck him away in the safety of behind closed doors if that made him comfortable.