Perish: Book Three (bxb) ✔️

23. What the hell do you think you're doing?

Kayax Adler

I stared out toward the valley, my arms crossed over my chest as I watched the sun get a little closer to setting behind the horizon. A slight wind brushed over my cheeks, swirling around me before it flew further and further away. It was all so peaceful, not a car horn or angry human could be heard right here. I leaned my shoulder against the wooden fence post, contemplating whether or not to touch the box inside of my head that always filled me with horror.

My life felt like a fun house these days. Everywhere I stepped or every word I said, I wondered if I would become like Davis. Until I realized I didn't have the mental capabilities. I had to keep reminding myself of that little fact as I approached doomsday. October thirteenth was the day I would finally stand up and fight for the most important part of my future.

That day marked whether or not I would be sleeping beside my boyfriend or if I'd be going to my small apartment to find some way to relieve the pain of losing August.

For a couple of months prior to making the full-hearted decision to face Lennox and Elijah, I talked myself in circles. I wondered if I was being too dramatic. I could tell them every piece of my trauma, and maybe it'd be okay, or maybe it wouldn't be. But I realized that I didn't feel comfortable sharing my trauma. It wasn't some easy ticket to getting everything I wanted. I shouldn't have to use my trauma to prove myself.

I fully intended to imply there was more to the story when faced with Elijah and Lennox, but I refused to hash out the worst six years of my life. I wasn't going to lay myself out for them before begging on my knees. I was done telling myself that I was being ignorant when not walking into that meeting with August's parents and making a choice not to tell them my most harrowing secrets.

Because the trauma the Luna family endured didn't align with the trauma Davis pushed onto me. I was done feeling like maybe I owed people my trauma. My trauma stories shouldn't have to get me what I wanted. I had the truth on my side, and the truth is what I fully intended to give them. 

The truth about me, who I am, and who I planned to be as I grew with August in the future. I'd happily explain in vivid detail about my childhood and how I grew up. I'd even tell them that Davis wasn't the one who raised me, and I didn't see his face for the first time until I was eighteen years old, and he was taking me away. 

It stopped there, though. I was going to stop there. I hoped it would be enough to prove to them that I'd been hiding, but the one part I could never figure out was how to explain that I wore a mask without revealing my trauma. There was no way for me to do it, and my only solution was to tell them that anything past what I had already given them wasn't open for discussion.

It was my fucking right to keep whatever secrets I wanted. I shouldn't have to prove any of this to them, but I made bad, bad choices where they were concerned. But I was done carving pieces of myself out of my body and giving them to people. I was still putting myself back together again. And I had to stop believing I owed the world for my Father's sins. My only job was to apologize to those I hurt when I could have just stopped.

But trauma didn't give us a manual on how to handle it. We simply did the best we could.

My pre-debut was less than two weeks away, and I would stomp on that stage with my story, rebrand myself, and take my life back completely. I would never be anyone's puppet. Never again. I controlled my life, and if people didn't like the way I chose to go about it, well, that fucking sucked.

A pair of arms circled around my waist, and I couldn't stop the instant smile that took over my lips. "Enjoying the peace and quiet, Kaya?" August pressed a kiss just below my ear, and my eyes practically rolled to the back of my head. "Remember when I told you that you always had a safe place with me? Whatever you decide, this can still be a safe place for you until you're ready. Don't give me your answer yet."