"Kuya, nagka-girlfriend ka na ba?" Narinig kong tanong ni Cheondong kay Chanyeol. My brother was barely nine years old at that time and he was always following Chanyeol around kahit san pa 'to magpunta.
Hindi ko alam kung bakit naisipan kong magtago sa may gilid to spy on them. I guess I was curious to hear kung anong isasagot ni Chanyeol.
"Ikaw ang bata-bata mo pa kung anu-ano nang tinatanong mo." Chanyeol tried to dismiss Cheondong's question.
"Oo o hindi lang naman ang sagot. Ang labo mo, kuya." Pagmamaktol ni Cheondong.
"Hindi pa." Matipid na sumagot si Chanyeol para lang matigil na ang kapatid ko.
"Crush? Meron ka?" Follow up question ni Cheondong na mukhang ikinagulat ni Chanyeol pero sinagot pa din naman n'ya.
"Malamang meron."
"Sino? Kilala ko ba?"
Medyo inilapit ko pa ang tenga ko sa gawi nila para mas marinig ko ang isasagot ng kapre. Ewan ko ba ba't interesado akong malaman kung sino.
"Oo. Kilala mo. Ate mo... Si Durami."
Agad akong tumakbo palayo nang marinig ko ang sagot ni Chanyeol. Parang may kung anong parte kasi ng puso ko ang nadurog. So crush pala ni Chanyeol ang kapatid kong si Durami. Sabagay maganda din naman ang kapatid kong 'yun. Syempre mana sa 'kin. Saka masipag ding mag-aral. So what? Bakit ako affected? Bakit parang ang lungkot ko? It's not like it would matter to me kahit sino pang Poncio Pilato ang crush n'ya.
Hindi ko alam pero after ng insidenteng 'yun naging masungit na ko kay Chanyeol. Siguro I'm just trying my best to act like a protective older sister. Although a part of my heart was telling me that I was actually devastated to discover na hindi ako ang gusto n'ya kundi ang kapatid ko.
Siguro nga kasi somehow I was attracted to him. Sino ba naman kasing hindi magkakagusto kay Chanyeol? Matangkad, gwapo, mabait, matalino, masayahin, marespeto sa mga nakatatanda, talented. Lahat-lahat na. But whatever feeling I had for him, I decided to nip it in the bud with crankiness. Pinagtakpan ko ng katarayan. Pointless din naman since kapatid ko ang gusto n'ya at hindi ako.
Pero minsan mahirap ding pigilan ang puso. Madami kasing pagkakataon na siya ang nandyan para damayan ako during my worst trying times kaya kahit convinced na ko na wala na 'yung attraction ko sa kanya, bigla na lang magka-"come back home" ang feelings ko. At doble effort ako para muling pigilan ang puso ko.
Nung kasagsagan ng kasikatan ng 2ne1, kabi-kabilang intriga ang ibinato sa amin. Madaming magagandang comments ang nababasa ko sa internet tungkol sa akin, pero ganun din kadami ang negative comments. Kesyo I'm way too old to be part of the group, that my voice is too weak compared to the other members, and that I'm just a pretty face with no real talent. Kahit pilitin kong di masaktan, hindi ko rin maiwasan. Tao lang ako.
I was doing my best. Halos matagtag ang katawan ko sa trainings at rehearsals just to prove to everyone na I was worthy to be a part of YG and 2ne1 pero mas lalo lang dumami ang haters at bashers. Nagkataon pa kasi na pakonti nang pakonti ang mga linya na naibibigay sa akin to sing lalo na sa mga bagong kanta ng grupo. I felt like that validated what those bashers were saying and it ate up my self-confidence.
I decided to go on a quick break when all of it became a little too much to bear. I went home to my parents. Naiiyak kasi ako kapag andun na kami sa dorm. My groupmates CL, Bom and Minzy know me as the always happy and positive Dara so I didn't want to show them the vulnerable side of me. Ayokong kaawaan nila ko. They were on the same amount of pressure as I was anyway.
I was standing in front of my parents' house with my luggage. Dis-oras na 'yun ng gabi. I was debating with myself kung tama ba na guluhin ko pa ang mga magulang ko dahil lang sa insecurities ko. Baka mag-alala lang sila. Hindi ko alam kung papasok ba ko sa gate namin o ano. Nagi-guilty kasi ako na ewan kasi I was supposed to be good at all of these already since produkto ako ng Star Circle Quest, a grueling talent search back in Manila. Dapat sanay na kong malait, mabigyan ng maaanghang na komento at mapagtawanan. Pero hindi ka pa rin pala talaga mai-immune sa lahat. Ang hirap.
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BINABASA MO ANG
Gotta Be You {Chandara} - COMPLETED
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