The White Rabbit

24.) Clouded Memory

The brittle cold winter air hit my cheeks as Dean opened the truck door for me and helps me in. We spent the better part of a week in Pennsylvania enjoying my family's company but it was time to return to New York to get back to our normal lives.

"You bring her back soon!" Mama shouts from the porch huddled in a blanket while Dad finishes loading the trunk.

"Ma! You make it sound like I was brought here hostage and had no choice!" I shout scolding her playfully.

"You know I will! It was a pleasure to meet you all and I hope to see you soon!" Dean shouts back and shuts my car door to go to the driver's side and get in.

I see in the rear view mirror, Dean and Dad sharing a bear hug then pulling out into a hand shake. I can't make out what they're talking about but there's lots of smiling and laughter so I don't worry about it. Dean comes around and hoists himself into the truck and shuts the door behind him.

"Ready?" Dean smiles putting the key in the ignition.

"Yes...but no..." I exhale seeing my parents huddled on the porch.

"Hey, we'll come back. Soon. They're only two hours away you know." Dean shrugs and pats my shoulder as he reverses then turns to head down the driveway.

With my eyes still fixed on my parents, they begin waving and I reciprocate with waves and tears filling my eyes as Dean drives. I wipe the tears quickly hoping Dean didn't catch it.

"It's okay to miss em you know..." Dean sympathizes stroking my hair.

"I know...I just realize how shitty of a daughter I've been these last few years. 2 hours away and I haven't visited for the holidays in years. Years!" I slouch pathetically in the chair.

"Sometimes it takes a big life change like a baby to see the big picture. I see how awful my family truly are and you see how wonderful yours is." He explains while making a turn onto the main road.
"Ya... you're right." I exhale deep in thought.

Suddenly I am having this longing for home and New York doesn't seem to fill that longing anymore. For so long I have loved New York City and all it gives but now...with a baby on the way? I don't know how to feel anymore but my business is here and so is Dean's so I feel stuck. Has my family just got in my head and I'll feel better about New York once I'm back?

"What's got you stuck in your head?" Dean says breaking the silence I hadn't realized was swallowing the car.

"Huh? Nothing." I say snapping myself out of it.

"Don't 'huh nothing' me. Talk to me Goose." Dean quotes Top Gun.

"Just feeling homesick is all." I slip a fake grin and slip back into thought.

"For Pennsylvania or New York?" Dean sincerely asks.

I don't know how to answer because if I say Pennsylvania that'll open a conversation that I am not sure I want to open right now. How would I even begin to tell him,"Hey Dean...I know you've only known me for 30 weeks but please...sell everything and restart a business here in Pennsylvania so I can live near my family pretty please...". The short answer is...you don't.

"New York...I'm just so ready to be home." I lie straight through my teeth and I don't feel good about it.

"Just 2 hours and then we'll be home." He grins placing a hand on my bump.

"Just two hours." I half smile and place my hand on his.

"Once we get into town, I'm gonna have to run to the bar because a shipment is coming in that I have to sign for. You cool to hang at the apartment while I do that?" Dean asks