The White Rabbit

31.) Dean's POV

In an instant, the entire medical floor is in Audrey's room manhandling her lifeless body in ways I've never seen before. I know it's to save her and I know it's what needs to be done but I can't help but want to scream. The way her breathing sounds and the color of her skin will be forever embedded in my brain as a part of another piece of my trauma. Her breathing was so shallow and sounded like she was drowning at the same time. Her skin was pale and blue...her lips went purple so fast. She just looks...she looks gone.

My eyes force a blink and tears fall down my cheeks and I pull myself out of the trance I found myself in staring at the medical staff helping Audrey. I force my gaze down to Luke's tiny little body to distract from chaos of my life crumbling and all is still just for a brief moment. He looks so much like Audrey and he's only minutes old. He has her nose just shrunken onto his tiny baby face. The sound of a doctor shouting erupts and startles Luke and I.

"Clear out OR 3...let them knowing we're coming!" A doctor screams at the other nurses.

OR..operation room? What the fuck is going on.

"W-Wait Wait...What's going on!" I shout as a team of nurses maneuvering Audrey's bed to lay completely flat and wheel her out almost immediately without even acknowledging my existence.

Not a single nurse stopped to answer. Each had a job to do to help Audrey. I wasn't offended by my questions going unanswered but I was scared. Petrified even.

In almost an instant the entire room grows quiet and cold with only the sound of Luke's grunts and soft cries fill the air. All I can do is soothe him and get swallowed up by my own pessimistic thoughts. Rarely anything in my life goes the way I have planned for my life. Things were too good with Audrey...too picture perfect. It's as though my brain is so consumed with trauma that when things get too good it prepares for the worst so when the worst happens it's more of a shock to my heart than my brain. My heart was preparing for a life with Audrey...I bought an engagement ring and was going to propose once we got home and settled for Christ's sake but now she's gone and I have no clue what is happening and what our fate is. And that petrifies me and I feel myself slipping into every pessimistic thought my brain can concoct.

I swear it was easily thirty to forty five minutes before anyone came in to check on us. But the nurses that came in, simply came for vitals for Luke and knew nothing of Audrey's current state.
No updates at all. They all felt bad for leaving me in the dark but they didn't have anything for me besides things for Luke.

All I can do is sit here speechless doing skin to skin with our son still covered in birth and his Mama is gone. Tears well up and pour out of my eyes as I look down at Luke with blurry vision from tears. It's just me and him in this cold silent hospital.

After nearly 2 hours of complete darkness from any form of update on Audrey someone knocks on the door and a doctor emerges from the hallway into the room holding a bottle of formula aswell as a clipboard. I knew that she was hear with an update because her face is drooped and she's fidgety and nervous. This can't be good. None of this screams,"I have amazing news."

"What is happening? No one is telling me anything..." I gulp back tears and the lump in my throat as I bounce Luke who is now crying.

"I brought you a bottle to feed baby boy and we can talk about your girlfriend." She states softly handing me the bottle.

I stare at the bottle for a moment battling internally because I know Luke is hungry but I also know how important breastfeeding was for Audrey. She read all the books about breastfeeding and hand selected her breast pump and nursing bras. I know that shouldn't be important right now with everything that has happened but I can't help but fixate on it.