The White Rabbit

34.) Sweet Release

I've been in this hospital long enough for the seasons to change it feels. I know I'm being dramatic since it's only been a month but it's been a long hard month of making strides to normalcy again. Relearning how to walk, eat, drink, and quite frankly wipe my own ass has been so emotionally and physically taxing. All while having small glimpses of joy when Dean and Luke visit almost daily. All the nurses and doctors know me far too well at this point but that all ends today because I finally get released.

I have been in this room for a total of 2 months, one of which was in a medically induced coma from everything I endured during labor, birth and postpartum but this final month has made me want to rip my hair out. Living in a damn hotel room is not for the faint of heart. Being without Luke and Dean and knowing they are furthering a routine without me shatters me. But that all ends today.

We will finally be able to move to Pennsylvania to our property that my family and Dean have been pedaling to finish before I am released. They have the floors switched and the walls painted and everything else is cosmetic so bit by bit they have been moving things from our apartment into the house. But next week is our final move where we turn our keys in and officially retire our New Yorker status symbol. Those days are long gone only to be told about when Luke wants to know about Mom and Dad's glory days before settling down.

I am so eager for Luke to grow up outside of the city and in the quietness of Pennsylvania. Someday he may want to experience New York and spread his wings and I'll accept that with open arms like my parents did. But for now, I wanna raise him how I was raised. In the calmness and tranquility of quiet open space. Where the snow actually falls and sticks without a snow truck there to quickly whisk it away for the hustle and bustle of New York traffic. Damn I feel the hospital has made me poetic or something.

The sound of a soft knock breaks me out of my thoughts and my eyes dart to the door.

"We're here to take someone home..."Deans butter-like voices trickles down my spine as he walks in babywearing Luke in a wrap.

My eyes instantly flutter with excitement seeing Dean as a father. I know he's been visiting for the past month on the regular but it hasn't gotten old yet. He wears fatherhood so well and makes me melt and I know he's makes the nurses melt too because they won't shut the fuck up about him when he's gone. It's always about his hair and how perfect it is and how good he is with Dean. And honestly I'm not the jealous type but damn. It's like they wanted me to kick the bucket sometimes...I kid I kid... sorta.

"I am so ready to go. I know I've been saying that for weeks but man I am so ready." I exhale softly as Dean pulls a scrunchy Luke out of the wrap on his chest and hands him and a bottle to me.

"I figured you would want to feed him so I held off his feed just by a few minutes so you could feed him while they get your discharge paperwork squared away." Dean grins pulling out a burp rag and laying it on my shoulder.

"You know me so well..." I softly smile as I place the nipple of the bottle into Luke's eager hungry mouth. His small blue-gray eyes roll back into his head as his suckles away at the formula. Pure bliss.

"So the doctor said that you would be released around 11am so I'm hoping that they don't fall behind because when Luke got discharged after birth they said 11 but it turned quickly into 1pm because the pediatrician took forever to-." Dean rattles off and then cuts himself awkwardly short.

He doesn't like talking about the period of time where I wasn't around. I don't know why but whenever he catches himself talking about it he quickly ends the conversation or changes it entirely. Sometimes I forget how traumatic this was for him too. I'm the one who had to learn to walk and talk again but he's the one who sat there waiting to see if he would be a single dad or not. Not equal trauma but both trauma nonetheless.