A Specific Butterfly | ShinoGiyuu 🦋🌊

I refuse

Shinobu POV

It has been a day since that sleepover. I haven't talked to tomioka since that. It's not that I don't want to, I just can't.

I can't accept these foolish feelings because they'll only bring me pain instead of joy.

I just need to focus on my current situation, my plan. Love can't fit into this world. Ever. Because it only brings pain to one another.

I've decided not to talk to tomioka anymore because it'll just increase these feelings. Instead, I need to focus on finding that bastard.

But. Why does my decision hurt me? Why do I feel regret? Is this what my heart wants? No. Of course not. But my heart doesn't know anything. Does it?

I need help. I just need someone's reassurance. I don't want to talk to tomioka about it either. But, he told me he had an illness. How can I avoid him now? He wanted some assistance with his illness, so what do I do?

I don't want to hurt the people around me. I want my life to end in peace, I want to rest in peace with kanae. But why are these feelings just slowly creeping up on me now?

It doesn't matter. Stop thinking of that shinobu! Don't let those emotions win. Otherwise, you will be deemed as immature. You don't want that, do you? Of course not! I would never want that. Because I'm not weak.

After feeding the goldfish, I walked over to the shrine that sat there. I slowly sat down as I adjusted the haori.

"Nee-san." I said, trying not to break down. Why am I so weak? Why can't I control simple emotions? What is wrong with me? I don't deserve to be here. Nee-san. I want to be with you forever.

"I'm sorry nee-san. Please help me control these emotions that try to bear control over me." I said, holding back now tears. Why am I crying? Why am I trying to cry? There's nothing to cry about. I'm just being disrespectful! I dont deserve to be here.

I bowed respectfully, tears now rolling down my face. Shit. Why did I do that? I'm so immature. I don't deserve such things I have now. Maybe it should have been me instead. Maybe I should've gotten in the way and was killed. That would have been better. Kanae would live perfectly without me being there. Wouldn't she?

I wiped my tears, but they just kept forming over and over again. They wouldn't stop. It was never-ending. It's like they were purposefully torturing me. Do I deserve this? Yes. I do. For being immature.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." I repeated as I held my wet hands together. My skin was stained from the salty tears that exited my eyes. But why did they exit them anyway? They should have stayed trapped.

Why. Why am I the one still alive? Not even the poison has taken proper effect on me yet. Is this torture from the gods? But I don't remember doing anything wrong. Why. What did I do to deserve kanae leaving me? What did I do to deserve that bastard entering our lives? Why did he have to ruin it all?

I sniffed as I searched for the answer in my head, but it was completely out of this world. Nothing could ever give me the knowledge to answer such a question.

Though I heard footsteps in the distance. Oh no. Who was it? Shouldn't they know I'm busy? I'm busy at my sisters shrine! They should save their demands for later. Can't I just have a break, sister? Why do I deserve this?

I wiped my tears, they finally ended, and so did my remaining thoughts. I adjusted my haori again as I turned. I hoped my eyes weren't too puffy from those tears.

But I noticed a similar hair colour.  It was mitsuri! She was here! But why?

"Shinobu-san?" She called out. "I'm in here." I replied. God. Why did I reply like that? That sounded so rude.

She turned, "Hi shinobu-sa-" She was cut off by the sudden notice of my face. The state I was in. She ran over to me as she hugged me tightly. I didn't expect the sudden action, but I was too caught up in my emotions to react. I didn't know what to do. I just want comfort from anyone.

"Are you okay, shinobu..?" She said as she let go, now cupping my broken face.

I stared at her. What the hell am I meant to say? Yeah. I'm fine. I just don't want to live anymore. I want to go with kanae. But obviously, if I do say that it's disrespectful and I'm immature.

She hugged me again as she cried into my shoulder. I think I began to cry again, my cheeks were suddenly infested with warmth, and I felt a salty liquid inside my mouth, so yes. I was crying.

After a few minutes, we calmed down, I think.

"Are you okay now, shinobu?" She asked. I still couldn't reply, but I had to. "....Yes..." I replied. I wasn't even sure myself. Was I okay? I don't know at all.

"Is this about those feelings before..?" She asked. Well. It was partly that. I just lost the reason to my living. I lost myself because I lost kanae.

I didn't know what to say, so I nodded as I looked down. "Oh, shinobu..." She replied sadly as she held my hands in hers to get my attention. This warmth was appreciated, though.

"You can tell me what's wrong, I won't judge, I promise!" She said. Will she, though? She will probably deem me as immature. I'm a crazy woman. Only the crazy people have such emotions.

"I don't know." I said firmly. She stared at me for a second. "It's okay, take your time." She's so caring. Is she even real? What if she's just my imagination? She probably is. I don't even deserve her. I don't deserve any of these peoples' support at all.

"I don't know what to do anymore." I said. "I don't want to accept these emotions anymore." I continued as I looked down at my hands. They were easily cupped in mitsuri's.

Am I even real? Why are my hands so small? Why am I so small? This is so aggravating. Why have I been cursed? I haven't done anything to deserve these stupid emotions. It's my fault, though. Isn't it? Yes. It is my fault.

Her skin is so soft, and it's a beautiful peach-ish white colour. However, mine is leather and pale from the poison. She doesn't have an addiction to revenge or poison in this context. She's not constantly angry, she has a genuine smile, she's actually strong, she's likeable, she has decent-sized hands and decent-sized height.

And what do I have? Small hands, probably smaller than the average demon slayers, constant anger and an ugly fucking smile.

Why am I even alive anyway?

"Shinobu!" A yell. It was mitsuri. I made her shout. I was too arrogant to notice she was talking to me.

"Yes?" I replied, trying to smile. My smile hurt. It hurt me a lot. My cheeks were probably red now because of how much I smiled. Why can't I smile properly? I'm so stupid.

"Are you alright? If you need a break, we can talk to Oyakata-sama." She said. Break? Me? I don't deserve such things at all. Plus, I'm too occupied. I need to help everyone else. They deserve it.

"No, I'm fine." I said as I held her hands up, "Thank you so much for your concern, mitsuri-san." I said, tears swelling up in my eyes once again. She saw and began to cry as well as she pulled me in for a tight hug.

"WAHHHH!!! THANK YOU, SHINOBU!!!!!!!" She yelled. Thankfully, it was muffled. Otherwise, the whole mansion would have heard.

"It's alright. Now you should go back. Thank you once again." I said as I sent her off. She nodded and said her goodbyes before leaving.

It was nice having a friend. It was very nice. I hope she doesn't waste her tears on me, though. That would be pointless for her. She won't gain anything from crying over me. I'm not worth crying over either. But it's nice. It's nice I have temporary comfort for the time I'm on this rotten planet. Then I can finally rest with you, kanae. I'm sorry I lived another day to fail you again, sister. It won't happen again.

It will all be over soon. Right, kanae?