Spot: A World of Perfection

Chapter XXIII: How Can I...

—This chapter is in Kiyan's POV—

"Kiyan." I hear.

"Hm?"

"My mom made dinner. You should get up and come eat."

I open my eyes: I'm still at Suki's house.

"When did I fall asleep?" I sit up.

Suki's standing at the foot of the bed, staring at me with her pretty eyes and a smile, "right after I got in the shower."

"Oh... come here." I wave her over, and scoot to the side of the bed.

She walks around, "yeah? Are you ok-"

I pull her into me and rest my head on her chest, "I'm fine. Just wanted to hold you, that's all."

She puts one hand on my shoulder and the other rests atop my head, "you're such a baby."

I laugh, "mhm."

Next thing I know, footsteps approach her bedroom door. I lift up and turn towards it: It's our little siblings.

"Kipper? Why are you here?" I ask, arms still wrapped about my Suki.

"To see my girlfriend... clearly you are too."

"Girlfriend? You two have a label already?!" I shout.

"Well, yeah. I like her, she likes me. Why wait? Now come eat before Mrs. or Mr. Robyns come up and see you canoodling their daughter. Hi by the way, Vin." he says.

"Hi, Kip." she laughs.

The both of them walk away, back downstairs.

"Vin? Kip? What type of bullshit is this? Where's my nickname, Suki?" I whine.

She's so mean.

"What do you mean? What do you need a nickname for?"

"Because."

"Because what?"

"Because I just do."

"Because you just do w-"

"Never mind, Suki." I smile.

I keep my hands on her hips and lightly push her back as I stand, "let's go eat, I'm hungry."

She holds my hand and walks me downstairs.

"Hey, Mrs. Robyns," I hug her Mom, who's standing at the stove.

"Oh, hi, Kiyan. I forgot you were here." she lightly hugs me back.

"Yes, I fell asleep. I haven't been sleeping much, thinking about Vinnie, but since she was here with me, I slept like a log."

"Awh," she coos.

I walk over to the dining table and shake Mr. Robyns' hand, "good evening, sir."

"Hey, Kiyan, how you been? Nilla told us that you had some things to sort out, you okay?"

"Oh, yes, sir. I figured everything out already." I walk over and sit next to Suki. "What about you? How've you been?"

"I've been okay." he nods. Both he and Mrs. Robyns have bags under their eyes. They aren't okay.

"I'm glad to hear." I smile.

Suki sits next to me as her mother puts dinner onto the table. She stares into space blindly, and it seems as though her mind is blank, but it's truly racing.

I grab her hand that rests on her thigh and it snaps her out of her trance, "hm?"

"Are you okay?" I ask, knowing full well she isn't.

"Yeah, yes." she nods. "I'm fine." The bags under her eyes tell a different story.

"Mrs. Robyns, do you need any help?" Kipper asks.

She smiles lightly, "no, it's alright, I got it."

"Are you sure?" I ask.

"Mmhm. This is the last dish," she sets down a pan of macaroni.

She sits down at the opposite head of the table from Mr. Robyns then blesses the food.

☔︎︎

After dinner, Suki and I returned back to her room and have been watching a movie since. But it seems like her head is in an entirely different dimension.

I pause the movie, then look down at her as she lies in my arms, staring off into space, "Suki."

No answer.

"Suki." I call again.

Still nothing.

I tap her shoulder, "my love?"

She snaps back into now and looks up at me, "huh? Oh, yeah? What's wrong?"

"That's what I'm asking you. What's going on? You've been out of it since dinner."

"N-nothing. I'm fine." she smiles. A fake smile.

"You're lying."

"Am not."

"Are too."

"Not."

"Too."

She sighs, "it's really nothing, Kiyan. I just... I don't know. I'm so lost."

I sit up, and then she sits up with me, "I know you are, but it'll be okay. We'll find you again." I thumb her cheek.

"But... I don't even know who I lost. Obviously it was myself, but who am I? What kind of person am I really? It's just... I hate this." her voice shakes.

I pull her into me and wrap her tiny body into mine, hoping to give her that sense of peace.

I feel her tears drench my t-shirt as she cries. With every hiccup in her voice, and every crack, and every tear, my heart hurts more and more.
I have no clue how to help her. I've tried to replace her bad memories with good and more pleasurable ones, but it isn't working. I've tried reassuring her, but it isn't working. Nothing I do seems to be good enough or beneficial to her in any way. What kind of boyfriend am I? How can I chase her until she runs out of breath if she's already out of it? How can I provide for her if I don't even know what she needs? I'm not enough for her. I'll never be enough. Not like this.