𝗪𝗢𝗥𝗗𝗦 𝗕𝗘𝗧𝗪𝗘𝗘𝗡 ━━ Spencer Reid

- Chapter Thirty-Five

Spencer could admit that he'd been through a lot in his life. A difficult childhood, being kidnapped and becoming addicted to dilaudid, shot in both the knee and neck, losing Emily, Maeve, and Gideon. As miserable as it sounded - it was practically his normal. He was used to being hurt, used to losing people, used to losing in general. 

So if a new person came into his life, he generally accepted the fact that he would eventually lose them. It's not like the thought hadn't popped into his head every day since he met Harper. And he had almost lost her, twice. 

It was easy for him to blame some higher power - fate, maybe. He could be angry at the cards he was dealt. 

Pushing Harper out of his life willingly was a different kind of pain. 

It was an active choice, as backward as it seemed. He was putting both of them through this pain. Which is not to say it hurt any less. It felt like he'd ripped a piece of himself out of his chest with his bare hands and left it in Mexico. 

Now, sitting handcuffed in the familiar BAU as he waited to be escorted to the court hearing which would define the next months of his life - he barely thought about the charges. All he could think about was the pain in his chest from his own decision. 

Takotsubo cardiomyopathy. A temporary heart condition that develops in response to an intense emotional or physical experience. In this condition, the heart's main pumping chamber changes shape, affecting the heart's ability to pump blood effectively.

Spencer wondered what his heart looked like right now, if it was slowly morphing, forming the shape of a Tako-Tsubo pot. 

"Hey," JJ's soft voice broke him out of his musings. "You worried about the hearing?"

Spencer blinked. The hearing. The prospect was so scary he'd mostly dissociated from it, feeling numb to the fear. 

"Yeah," he lied to JJ. "Just nervous."

She nodded understandingly, patting his shoulder. "We have to leave now. It's going to be okay. You've got a whole team of people willing to give testimonials." 

Spencer felt unconvinced but he stood, following her to the car. He wasn't sure if he was ready to accept his fate, but he was still hopeful despite everything. Maybe if he was granted bail, it wasn't too late to find Harper. Maybe they could still be okay. 

Sat at the defendant's table, Spencer's hands clasped tightly in front of him. He didn't trust himself to move, he was trembling too much. Every noise in the courtroom seemed louder than it should have been: the rustle of papers, the creak of the judge's chair, the sharp tap of the prosecutor's pen against the table.

Fiona, his lawyer stood, clearing her throat. "Your Honor, my client is not a flight risk. Dr. Reid has spent his career in service of this country, both as a federal agent and a consultant on numerous high-profile cases. He has no criminal record, no history of evading law enforcement, and most importantly, he has strong personal ties to this community."

Spencer's chest tightened. He already knew where this was going.

"Dr. Reid's relationships provide a support system that keeps him grounded. His colleagues—who have worked with him for over a decade - are prepared to testify to his character. And outside of his professional life, he maintains personal relationships, including a long-term girlfriend."

Spencer's head jerked up at that, his stomach dropping.

The word hung in the air, girlfriend. A title he'd stripped from Harper less than a week ago. The memory of her face flashed in his mind, the way her voice had cracked, her arms crossed. Spencer bit his lip hard enough to taste blood, looking down at the table. He couldn't let anyone see his reaction, especially not the prosecutor.