𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐟𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐲𝐨𝐮 ✹ 𝐠. 𝐠𝐢𝐛𝐬𝐨𝐧

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐱𝐱𝐱𝐢𝐯 - 𝐫𝐞𝐠𝐫𝐞𝐭𝐬

Gibsie

At this moment I felt truly and utterly lost.

I regretted the words I said to Haven as soon as they left my mouth and I couldn't believe i was so thick and fucked up the way I did. In less than 30 minutes I had managed to destroy my friendship with Kav and also destroy Haven in the process.

I called out to her, trust me I tried but she ignored me. I had pushed her too far and this time it was different. It wasn't like the time we argued in my car or in her kitchen. Those times I knew she'd come back to me. Tonight though, tonight she wouldn't. I took her heart and shattered it into countless pieces just because I couldn't bear to admit to her how much she mattered to me. So I just took the easy route and picked Johnny.

The whole drive home I felt like a grade A asshole. I felt stupid, felt like a complete idiot, son of a bitch, you name it. When I got home and after a long, cold shower to jumpstart me back to my senses I sat on the edge of my bed unable to get sleep to get to me. I paced and turned, the mattress feeling too hard, too hot, too uncomfortable. In a sudden attempt to relax I reached for the cigarette box on my bedside table, one I hadn't used in a bit.

The smoke left my mouth in puffs that dissipated into the night sky. My room was quiet, too quiet, and the weight of the night compressed my chest more by the minute. I couldn't get her out of my head. Her puffy eyes, tears streaming down her face, her tone. Oh, her broken tone.

I would've chosen you Gerard

I wanted to say something, anything to get her to look back at me when she walked away. But words just stuck to my throat not being able to leave me. This was all my fault: I was a shit friend to Johnny and I was a shit person to Haven.

By the second cigarette my mind went back to the times I shared with her. Things were simple with her, easy. I never felt pressured to just be the happy person I was with everyone. Joy just came natural with her. I can still feel the ghost of her touch on my cheeks and now I miss getting to school tired because we'd spend hours talking on the phone after a game.

By the third cigarette I picked up my phone and just stared at her contact on my phone, my finger hovering over it. I debated calling her, texting her, anything to just hear her voice or have her speak to me again. I wanted to fix it, i wanted to fix us and tell her i didn't mean what I said, that Johnny was nothing between us. But it was a lie, we both knew that.

I yearned to tell her how sorry I was for everything and how much I would give to get her back. But she deserved better, I knew that.

I stabbed the cigarette out into my ashtray now almost overflowing. The sight of it made my stomach churn - another reminder of how out of control everything had gotten. Haven always used to encourage me to quit and tease me when I did it for her. Now her laughter felt like just a cruel remind of what I lost.

Back when I had her I'd always tell myself I wasn't in love, I couldn't be in love. It wasn't something I wanted, especially with someone who had grown to mean so much to me. But they say you don't know what you have until you lose it. I hadn't just fallen for her, I crashed head first into the concrete for that girl. She consumed my thoughts when I was with her and now that I lost her she consumed my whole entire being. I was stupid to believe that something like that could be kept on the down low. It was foolish of me to think no feelings would get hurt when it inevitably ended. Making whatever we had real was a mere illusion, just a dream I allowed myself to have. As long as Johnny was between us that would never be a reality and no matter how much my soul shattered to admit this, Johnny will always have a say in whatever matters his sister is involved with.

Whoever said it was better to love and lose than to not love at all doesn't know shit. Because the pain that creeps through every single one of my nerves right now and the weight of my actions isn't something I wish on anyone.

The only option I had left is letting her heal on her own, allowing her to discover other people and stay out of her life and actually stick to that promise this time. I'd make things up with Johnny and watch from the sidelines as some other man falls in love with the same sweet, gentle, caring and amazing girl I fell in love with at 17.

This time it wasn't like with Neal, this time I'd sit back, swallow the pain and not interfere. I'd let her find someone who could be with her and parade her to the world because that's what she deserved, even if it killed me to watch her laugh with someone else.

I'd do that for her, it's the bare minimum she deserved.

✹✹✹

author's note;

hi loves! I'm so sorry for the inactivity, I literally had the worse writer's block since I started writing and everything just felt horrible and I dreaded writing but re-reading comments from this story and getting some on other stories really motivated me, so thank you guys so much for your support <3. I found that having a little break from the stuff you love a lot can actually help you get better at it so hopefully writer's block is over and I can get back to enjoying writing and reading
I know this chapter is short and not really the style of what I write but I really wanted to just dive deep into what gibs is feeling too after a lot of haven and also Johnny reflections on the topic. lmk if you guys are into these monologue sort of  chapters because this was surprisingly enjoyable to write

thanks so so much for reading and just being here, I love you guys so much, don't forget to vote and comment! 

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