Space Man

Cupid

Xisuma pov

It was a few days since that whole exhaustion incident, and honestly, I think Cupid had it out for me. No matter how hard I tried to distract myself with work or force my mind to focus on other things, I found myself falling harder and harder for Keralis. I tried to keep my emotions at bay, telling myself that I couldn’t let my guard down. But it wasn’t working. The more I saw him, the deeper I fell, and I couldn’t quite shake it off.

His smile was infectious, one that could light up the whole room, and it always made me feel warm inside. I couldn't help but get caught in that beam, feeling like I was the only one in the world who mattered in that moment. His laugh, deep and genuine, had the ability to make even the toughest days feel like nothing was too difficult. It was the kind of sound that made you want to stay there, to listen to it again and again, just to bask in the joy he carried with him.

And it wasn't just his smile or laugh—it was the way he treated others. Keralis was a natural leader, not through force, but through kindness. He would listen to everyone, always making time to check in, to make sure people felt heard, respected. He treated everyone with such gentle care, no matter who they were. I admired him for it—how he made the time to make others feel valued. It was a quality I envied, and as much as I tried to push my feelings aside, it only made them stronger.

I knew it was getting ridiculous. I’d catch myself daydreaming about him, replaying moments in my head where our paths had crossed, and each one was like a tiny little spark. His eyes—so full of life—kept appearing in my thoughts when I least expected it, and my antennas would twitch with the slightest thought of him. I couldn’t stop it. The butterflies in my stomach would flutter uncontrollably, and every little gesture, like the way he brushed his hand through his hair or the soft tone in his voice, made my heart skip a beat.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized it wasn’t just infatuation. This wasn’t some fleeting crush; I was falling for him, and every moment we spent together just solidified it. I didn’t want to admit it, didn’t want to acknowledge how deeply my feelings ran, but I couldn’t lie to myself anymore. It wasn’t just about admiration for him as a person or a friend—it was something more.

Yet, the closer I got to him, the more conflicted I felt. I couldn’t just walk up to him and confess, could I? What if he didn’t feel the same? What if it changed everything between us? My mind swirled with the possibilities, the “what-ifs,” but it didn’t stop my heart from racing whenever he was near. Every smile, every laugh, every moment felt like another piece of me slipping further into something I didn’t know how to control.

But reality, as it always does, came crashing down on me. I couldn’t afford to fall for Keralis. Not when he was one of my fellow Hermits. It would be disastrous, and I knew it. I’d always prided myself on being fair, objective, and impartial, but if anyone caught wind of how I was feeling, it could lead to accusations of favoritism. And that was something I couldn’t risk, especially with the responsibilities I had. I couldn’t let my personal feelings interfere with the dynamics of the server or the relationships with the others.

It hurt. More than I wanted to admit, more than I wanted to acknowledge. I didn’t want to suppress these feelings. I didn’t want to push Keralis away, or worse, start treating him differently because of it. But the reality was that I had to. There was no other option. He deserved better than someone who couldn’t keep their emotions in check, and I couldn’t let my heart lead me down a path that would ruin everything.

Every time I saw him, every time he smiled, my heart broke just a little more. The idea of keeping him at arm’s length—of not being able to enjoy his company the way I had before—felt suffocating. I wanted to be close to him, wanted to talk with him without that nagging fear in the back of my mind. But every moment we spent together reminded me of the boundaries I needed to enforce.

I couldn’t let it show. I couldn’t let anyone suspect that something had changed between us. If I did, it would throw everything off balance. It wasn’t just the server that was at stake, it was our friendship, too. I didn’t want to lose that. Not when it meant so much to me.

The weight of it all was almost too much to bear. I thought I could push these feelings down, focus on the work that needed doing, but every time I saw him, every time I heard his voice, it was like trying to ignore a fire inside me. It kept burning, growing hotter, and I couldn’t stop it. I had to find a way to deal with this, to control it, before it destroyed everything.

After about an hour, I heard the soft creak of the door, followed by a quiet voice. "Xisuma?" My brother's voice. Xavier. He wasn’t usually one to just check on me unless something was off, and I could tell by the way he was standing there, leaning against the table with his arms crossed, that he noticed something wasn’t right.

I hadn’t even realized I had taken off the helmet and respirator mask. It felt like I was suffocating under the weight of my own thoughts, but at the same time, I couldn’t bring myself to put it back on. I guess I’d been so lost in my mind that I hadn’t even considered it. But now, with Xavier standing there, waiting patiently, the silence between us stretched out in a way that made the air feel thick.

He didn’t ask me directly what was wrong, but I could see the concern in his eyes. Xavier had a way of knowing when I was struggling, even if I tried to hide it. He was my brother, after all. We shared a bond that didn’t need words to communicate.

After a long pause, I finally spoke, my voice low, almost hesitant. "I... I don’t know how to handle this, Xavier."

He raised an eyebrow slightly, his gaze softening. "Handle what?" His voice was gentle, like he knew the answer already but was giving me space to say it out loud.

I sighed, rubbing my temples, trying to form the right words. "Keralis... I’m falling for him, and I can’t. I can’t let myself feel like this." I looked away, not wanting to see the disappointment or confusion that might be in his expression. I hated feeling so vulnerable, so out of control of my own emotions.

Xavier didn’t immediately respond, which was rare for him. He was usually quick with a retort or advice, but this time, he just stood there, quietly processing what I’d said. After a moment, he spoke again, voice calm but firm. "So, you’re going to shut yourself off from him? From your feelings?" His tone wasn’t accusing, just matter-of-fact.

I shook my head, feeling a lump form in my throat. "I don’t have a choice. I can’t let it affect everything here. If anyone found out, it could ruin the balance... everything we’ve worked for. I can’t let myself be distracted like this. Not with what’s at stake."

Xavier sighed softly, pushing himself off the table and walking over to where I was sitting. He didn’t say anything at first, but then he placed a hand on my shoulder. "You don’t have to shut yourself off, Xisuma. But you also can’t let your feelings cloud your judgment. If this is something real, something you really care about, you can figure it out. But if it’s just a passing thing... then you can learn to control it. You’re not alone in this. Just don’t shut yourself off from the people who care about you."

I swallowed hard, fighting the urge to let myself break down right then and there. Xavier’s words resonated with me, but it didn’t make the situation any easier. How could I navigate this? How could I balance everything when all I wanted was to be near Keralis without feeling this unbearable weight of responsibility on my shoulders?

I looked up at my brother, my voice barely above a whisper. "I don’t know if I can."