Realize ~Destiel

chapter 4

17 May, 2015 Day 30

It was 7 pm currently. Dean had been ignoring me all day and frankly, I was sick of it. I run my hands through my hair as I sit on the couch in my room drinking coffee. I hear a knock and my heart lifts, maybe its him.

"Come in" I say loud enough. I sigh in disappointment as Gabriel comes in but maybe that's what I need, to talk with my brother. He closes the door behind himself and smiles walking towards me and taking a seat.

"Hey baby bro, how you feeling?" He asks glancing out at the view like I am.

"I'm good yeah" I say. Maybe its not a good idea to tell him.

"Are you sure? You've been quiet all day, Dean and Sam are worried too" I raise my eyebrow.

"They are?" I see him nod out of the corner of my eye.

"Well yeah, when we invited you on the boat ride you said you'd rather stay home and you love boat rides. Dean kept asking if he should ask you again if you wanted to come even after I asked you twice" I realized that I'd been ignoring him too.

"Sorry I'll go where you guys want to go tomorrow" I set my coffee cup on the floor and turn to him and smile. He smiles and lifts his arms wrapping them around me. I hug him back.

"I miss my little brother you know" I sigh hugging him tighter.

"I miss him too" he let's go of me and smiles kissing my forehead and standing up.

"Sam and I were suppose to go out to dinner tonight, but if you want I could stay" he offers and I shake my head.

"No, go have fun" he smiles and nods.

"I'll see you later then bro" I smile and nod and he walks out. I stay in my room for a bit after Sam and Gabriel say bye for the night. I sigh. I should probably fix the situation, he's probably all weirded out.

I stand up walking out of my room. He's not in his room so I go to the other place he's always in, the kitchen.

"Dean?" I call out opening the door. And sure enough he was sitting on a chair. He sighs standing up and turning to me.

"Listen Dean-"

"No Cas" I raise my eyebrow in surprise.

"You have to listen" he looks at me with a worried, sad, confused, and pleading expression.

"Please" I nod "Cas I'm sorry that, that kiss it wasn't anything. I don't know why I kissed you okay it was a mistake I shouldn't have done that I'm sorry. I was just trying to find a way to comfort you after you told me that and I didn't know how so I kissed you. It was a mistake and I regret it, I'm sorry. Kissing you meant nothing to me Cas" I stare at him with a blank expression but inside it's like my paradise had vanished. His eyes plead for me to answer.

"I was going to say" I begin in a blank voice "that I was sorry about yesterday, we were both caught up in the moment. And that I apologize that I've been ignoring you. And if you wanted to forget about it we could" once I say that, his eyes fill with regret and his expression looks pained.

"Cas-"

"No, its fine" I walk out without turning around and go into my room closing the door. I did what any heartbroken middle school girl would have done. I cried.

Kissing you meant nothing to me Cas.

Those words repeated over and over in my head. How could I have been so stupid as to think that it actually meant something to him. Hes dead on straight so why did I think that just maybe we had a chance.

Once i stop crying I wipe my tears and change into boxers and a big T-shirt climbing into bed. I put my hands under the pillow and cuddle my face into it.

I don't know why I fell so hard for him last time and I'm falling so quick for him this time. We've never even been a thing. Knock knock.

I close my eyes pretending to sleep when I hear the door open

"Cas?" I hear Deans silent voice. I don't answer continuing to pretend to sleep praying he would leave. But I feel a weight next to me on my bed.

"I'm sorry Cas" I feel his fingers run through my hair.

"Last time, I knew you had a thing for me you know? Those 6 weeks I was at your parents house with Sam. I knew. But I didn't know I would hurt you so much. When I brought that girl home on the last day I thought you were over me, then Gabriel told me you were different, I thought maybe he meant like about school or something, but he told me you fell into depression, I thought it was a tough time for you. The last thing he told me was you were talking about it in your sleep. I thought you had a crush on me, I didn't think it was that bad. I hate myself for hurting you and I hurt you even more today" I had no words. My throat was dry. I couldn't cry even if I tried, I had cried myself dry. And when he spoke like that, he admitted he knew everything. And I did not know how to feel about that.

"Damn it Cas I'm sorry, I don't want to hurt you anymore" his voice had cracked and I feel something wet on my cheek and I feel lips on mine.

"What going on with me, why am I doing this why do I feel like this, what are you doing to me" i was shocked. I didn't know what he meant but I do know that he kissed me again.

"You're asleep I know you can't hear me telling you this, I wouldn't be telling you if you could, I don't know what's going on Cas. I don't know why I get irritated whenever that guy talks to you, or why I can't hold a relationship since I met you, you pretty much turned my life around. And I don't know why, I'm so confused" I hear him sigh and once again he presses his lips to mine then pulls away.

"I don't know" that weight lifts from my bed and I hear his footsteps going out and the door opens and closes and once again I'm all alone. I sit up blinking and touch my lips where his lips had been less than a minute ago.

"What?" I mumble. I had no idea what to think. Less than an hour ago he was telling me I meant nothing to him and now he was kissing me and telling me all this stuff. I pull my hair. I couldn't cry. I'd cried myself dry, I couldn't scream, my throat was dry and he would hear. I sigsh laying down again.

Dean Winchester, what the hell are you doing to me?