You Can't Love Him

11

"Are you going to the game this weekend," I ask Jocelyn. We were sitting on my bed watching Catfish. I had invited her over because we both didn't have anything to do. We were going to go to the mall but ended up staying home.

"I'm not sure.I don't really like football." She shrugs.

"Please! I'm not a fan of football either. I don't want to sit with all the other football players girlfriends. Please!" I beg.

"Fine," She gives in.

"Thank you! Thank you!" I hug her. She just saved me from sitting there by myself with Carmen!

"Calm down," She giggles.

Out of no where, my door opens and in comes Marco. "Babe here's my jacket please be care- why is she here?" He glares at Jocelyn.She huffs and rolls her eyes.

"Nice to see you too asshole." Jocelyn mumbles.

I sigh. "She is my friend Marco. Get used to seeing her around. She's going to be over here a lot." I sass. He drops his jacket and clenches his fists.

"You don't listen!" He yells and walked out, making sure to slam the door.

"What is his problem," Joc asks.

 "He's just being a jerk. His attitude has suck so much since I've got here. He all the sudden thinks he can tell me what to do and I'll just go and do it. I'm not going to let him walk all over me and he doesn't seem to like that"

"Why are you with him? He doesn't deserve you." She inhales though her nose in an angry manner.

"Well we've been together for so long. He was my first real boyfriend and I," My words suddenly turn into a lump in my throat and take a minute for me to say. "I love him."

"You don't love him."

I snap my head over to look at her. "What?" I say shocked. She gives me a a look that I'm not sure how to describe.

" You don't," She shakes her head at me. "It's so obvious it hurts."

"Of course I do," Why would she say something like that?

"Emmie, I'm only going to be this harsh because I'm your friend," she places a hand on my shoulder. " You're being dumb right now. If you loved him, you wouldn't hesitate to say it.  If you loved him you would have no doubts about it."

She shakes her head. "You can't force love."

I didn't answer. I don't know what to say. Was she right? Am I really forcing myself to love him? It does make a lot of sense. I think about it for a moment and close my eyes. I picture Marco in my mind. I picture his smile and his laugh and yet I feel nothing. Out of nowhere his face begins to change and I gasp as a new face replaces his. My heart skips a beat and I quickly open my eyes.

"I'm sorry Emmie," Jocelyn apologizes. "Maybe it wasn't my place to say anything. I just don't like seeing you unhappy and that's all I've seen when you're with him."

I give her a small smile. "Hey, don't worry about it. You're just being a good friend and I thank you for that. I think this is something I need to figure out on my own."

She nods and turns to the T.V. "Hey look, the guy was actually real. Who would have guessed that?" She laughs and I find myself laughing with her.

After two more episodes Jocelyn left.I sat on my bed,alone, holding the varsity jacket that has the last name Anderson on it. The last name that everyone wants to be mine someday.I run my fingers against the rough fabric. The name was written in gold.

Ever since my talk with Jocelyn earlier, I can't get her words out of my head. You can't force love.  What if she's right. I'm forcing myself to love him so everyone else is happy? I know that my family would be disappointed if Marco and I never get married. Hell, to them we already are.  A hot tear slipped down my cheek. I didn't even notice I was crying.

All this thinking is giving me a headache. I crawl under my blankets and wrap them around me. 

"Oh good she's gone- babe what's wrong?" I look up to see Marco.

"Nothing." I murmur and throw the blankets over my head. He is the last person I want to see right now. Not with my mind a mess like this. He comes over and crawls under the blankets blankets with me. He wraps his arms around me which causes my blood to run cold.

"Did Jocelyn do anything to you," He growls against my ear.

"No. "

"Well whatever it is just know, I love you."

I started to cry harder. I kept quiet. I couldn't say it back.  It just doesn't feel right. It didn't before and it certainly doesn't now.

After a while, I fell asleep.

I woke up around five in the morning. Marco was gone and my room was pitch black. I check my phone to see that I had a message from Aaron.

From: A.A.RON.
To: Em

Hey, were going out. Do you want to come?  I think you need to clear your thoughts.

Jocelyn must have told him about our conversation.I felt bad that it was too late to answer now but I'm sure they understand. I click my phone off and try to fall back asleep.

Once I woke up for the second time I got up and headed downstairs to get something to eat. The house was silent as I made my way to the kitchen.

I walked in and grabbed a bowl and some cereal.

"Oh, hey do you want me to make something so you don't have to eat cereal," I turned to see Cassie sitting at the table. She was reading the newspaper and drinking some type of smoothie.

"No thank you. I'm fine with cereal." I give her a small smile and then go back to putting my cereal together.

"How are you," She asks causing me to look at her again.

"I'm good, how are you?"

"I'm good too."

"That's good..."

The kitchen fills with silence. I don't mean to be awkward but I don't know what to say to her.

"Well I'm going to go work in the garden. I put your backpack in the living room." She smiles and gets up from the table. I tell her goodbye and she starts to leave the kitchen.

I didn't really feel like going to school today. Maybe I could ask Cassie if I could stay home.

"Wait Cassie," She stops. "Can I stay home today? I'm not feeling very well."

"Oh sure. I'll call the school later. Why don't you go lay down." I nod and thank her. I finish my cereal and then place my bowl in the sink.