Right Back After This

Season 2, Episode 13

Riz knows it won't be simple, to separate Kiel and Ezekiel. Yes, Kiel is the one who sneers at him, who he fears and hates, who Ezekiel doesn't always know how to be, because when Ezekiel sneers at him it's with a snort of laughter and a playful jab. But he knows, from his own experience, that as much as it's an act, becoming Riz has changed him in some way he'll never get back.

He'll never unlearn the Deliquet accent, the slight twang more breathy than the standard, the lower vowels than Kiel's dialect from Ellery. He hears it as he says, softly, "let me get that for you," as Kiel's mic beeps three times, and Riz silences it again.

He searches for Ezekiel, under the paint of Kiel, like squinting for the sun beyond the horizon. He pushes back blue hair, tucks it behind his ear, and he can see a jaw that once held normal teeth, not teeth filed sharp. Like him, Ezekiel is there, the person who this body truly belongs to, despite the claim that corporate and a thousand million fans have on it; but he's been permanently changed, too. He'll never recover from being Kiel.

The weed is long gone. It did nothing for Riz, not really. Maybe he's just broken from an adolescence of substances much worse. Kiel looks up at the sky, telling the time. "We've got a few hours before dawn," he says lowly, as if he has to be secretive with what he's implying. "And I'd like to make sure you get some sleep."

Riz raises an eyebrow at him, and tilts Kiel's head gently towards his own. He doesn't need to say a damn thing. Except for, actually, something quite important, something that stops him just as he's leaning in to kiss Kiel finally, again, something he's found himself aching for. "Wait."

"What?"

Riz still holds his chin, forces Kiel to look at him, and there's something to relish in the simplicity of Kiel's gaze, the softness of it; his eyes are unnaturally dark, but they're free of any judgement, or mistrust, or anything hidden in that inky black. Riz just wants to be sure. "You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. I'm just making sure you-"

Kiel kisses him mid-sentence. "Dumb fuck. You think I wouldn't be here if I didn't want to be?"

Riz frowns, pushes him back with just the tips of his fingers. "No, Ezekiel," he says, enjoying drawing out the sound of his full, real, name. "I am making sure you know that I don't need sex from you. If I had known-"

"No, fuck off. Shut up." Kiel waves his hand around in front of his face, and Riz waits. "Would you have double checked like this if I hadn't mentioned that I'd been sexually assaulted in the past, Izzy?"

It hits harder when he calls him Izzy. Izzy was the scrappy kid from Majadha, the name called in wooden shacks, through tangled webs of trees, around the concrete walls of building shells, and with desperation in the choking mines. Izzy has never sat on Arbo, not until this moment.

Riz swallows thickly. "I don't know. Probably not. I'm sorry."

Kiel narrows his eyes at him. "Look. You'd know if you were forcing me, and you'd know if I was forcing myself. I like you and I want this, I want you. Okay? I've dealt with it, I'm dealing with it, but I don't want to think about either of them right now. Okay?"

Riz bites back a confused, scared, 'either of them?', and nods. "Okay. Again, I'm sorry. I wasn't... I figured I'd rather ask unnecessarily than not ask when I should've."

Kiel softens a little bit. When Riz thinks of Ezekiel, it's almost easier to see a tired, drooping man under it all. "It's okay. I appreciate the intended thought, it's just- I-" he bites something back, and with teeth like that, he bites hard.

"Tell me," Riz says, simple.

"It makes me feel small," Kiel says. "I'm not a victim any more than you are."