Right Back After This

Season 2, Episode 2

There are approximately zero right ways to handle this situation, so Riz isn't surprised that it's chaotic.

The hour management took to panic was already too much, and so Riz was instructed to cry- easy to do, with the right memories- and the rest of Saccharine knew to perform a convincing song and dance of worry and incredulity. For at least Wrenley and Shia, those emotions are probably real. Of course it's a bad thing that they're being lied to, that they believe something terrible happened to their friend, when it's mostly untrue, but at least they don't have to fake it. Amello, too, can repurpose his worries about Riz getting kidnapped into concern about the rape that's already become true in the eyes of history.

It's Riz who's struggling. He's humiliated, same as he would be, and afraid, same as he would be; but he's guilty, and anxious, and the fear he has of Dahlia doesn't look like a gently shaking leaf, the way it needs to look for the cameras. Anger has no place in Riz's image.

He decides to just let himself be held, to retreat inside his head. At least he's allowed to be traumatised right now, in a way he never was before.

They leave Gahren Six in a hurry, all plans clearly dropped. As they're on the ship, before the live feed goes down, Riz looks out the window and openly weeps in terror. He feels like he's been torn open, even worse than he always has. Amello wraps a blanket around him, bundling him up on the couch, and he hides in Amello's chest. They can hear him crying, but they don't know that he's crying for so much- for everything but himself. Majadha, Frater Raro, the fans who he's just traumatised, Ares- it's hard to feel justified in what he's done. He never has, and he never will.

"Hey." Amello's voice is low, soothing. He's shaken, almost as shaken as Riz is pretending to be, and it works. He should be shaken. "You're safe, sweetheart. I promise. We're going back to Arbo, and you're safe."

"The ship could explode," Riz mutters under his breath. "It could all be over any moment."

"No, it can't. I won't let it." Amello knows he's talking nonsense, and Riz wonders if he's imagining the faraway tone of his voice. "You and I, we're going to stay right here under this blanket, where nothing can hurt you. Not even space."

It's a delicate balance, that like everything, Amello does perfectly on his first try. You don't mention the horrible thing everyone knows about, even though they know it. You don't even acknowledge that something bad happened. You keep going. And yet, you see the emotions of it, as real as they are. Riz is sure this is soothing the fans who attach their entire heart and soul to his wellbeing. He feels terrible for what they must be going through right now, and he means that. Their hearts are wrenched worse than his, and that's the simple truth.

"I'm sorry," Riz sobs, because he can sob anything, but he has to sob something. "I'm sorry I'm such a mess."

"Hey. Hey, hey, hey." Riz is sorry for a lot, and 'being a mess' doesn't quite explain it, but it's not awfully far from the truth. He's moreso saying, 'sorry for dragging you into this mess.' "Just focus on breathing, okay? We'll be home before you know it."

Riz listens to Amello's heart, can hear it beating a little faster. It is soothing, but Riz will never feel soothed. Ares has been added to a list of Riz's regrets he can never get closure for. He will never know what happened to his family after he all but abandoned them; he will never know if they know where he is right now. He's unlikely to ever find out if the work he's doing is even helping, or if the people Frater Raro is saving from Majadha's mines are just being replaced- or if Dahlia won't just undo everything somehow. He doesn't know how Frater Raro feels and he's unlikely to ever find out. And now, he can guess what the rest of Ares' life will look like- but he's never going to see him again, never going to get to say, 'I wish it hadn't turned out like this.'