Right Back After This

Season 2, Episode 10

Riz can't explain the way he's feeling now, an hour after the meeting. His eyes are glazing over at the board game they're supposed to be playing, and as everyone else is performing the high-energy intensity expected of them, Riz is struggling to just keep a vacant smile on his face.

He feels oddly okay, which is not only far from the dread he'd expect, but it's not happiness, either. He's fine. The dread exists, but it's small, sitting on his windowsill while he looks out at a serene view; the happiness at being first, combined with the renewed vigour and fear that strikes, are but dust on the pane of glass. The board game in front of him feels that far away.

He's getting away with it, because Amello's trying to get him to guess some word, and a series of "um, ah, uh..." combined with words he's already guessed is not out of place for him, it's a return to form. Amello can only be playfully competitive, and when the timer runs out before Riz can guess much, he can't pretend to be too mad. Riz gets the feeling Amello doesn't give much of a shit, really; he lays back and looks Riz up and down like the thing he's most angry about is the distance between them.

Riz notes this, and if he was trying much harder, he could probably have helped give Wrenley and Shia some, any, kind of competition at all. Instead, him and Amello conspire to lose so soundly a rematch can't even be proposed.

"That was fun," Riz says, surprised by the airiness of his voice, "even though we lost. Sorry, Amello, you were doing really good."

There's this thing Riz is used to picking up on, now- not an expression, since those are visible, but a lack of one. Amello's face not changing means he didn't know what to change it to instantly, meaning Riz has him confused. That's probably a bad thing, especially as Riz is now carrying the weight of millions more viewers than previous. Still, Riz doesn't find himself concerned. Not yet, anyhow.

He stands up and almost stretches over his head, before the cold, gentle weight of the phone against his hip suggests that that's a bad idea. He was thinking about it already, in fact, as he says, "I'll be back in a moment."

The bathrooms are a strange place. Each ensuite having a camera makes some sense- get-ready-with-me is a long-treasured genre for some reason- but the toilets just around aren't exactly a space that's encouraged to share. Most people can agree that it's weird to want to watch literally anyone so much that you can't let them use the bathroom in peace.

There's still, for some reason, cameras in these toilets. They're blatant and unhidden, sitting behind the flush buttons, such that the view would be only of your back sitting down, and that's why Riz suspects that these cameras are threats. They're not for the viewers- they're for security, for the managers, for corporate, to stop you doing exactly what Riz is about to do.

They aren't a great threat. Riz has gotten away with jacking off here before, and he's about to get away with worse.

As long as he sits up straight and doesn't move his hands too much, that camera surely won't be able to see him unlock the phone Kiel gave him.

Are you for serious? I get another phone smuggled in and sneak it to you and GET YELLED AT BTW and all you have to say is "thank yu"?? The fuck??

Riz chews on the inside of his lip. sory i cant spell its not ment to b rud. thank u very very much I mean it. and i miss u

He doesn't have time to agonise over if he's said enough to show what he meant, or alternatively, if he's said way too much. Is it clingy to say I miss you to someone you barely know?

To his surprise, it isn't long before he feels the phone buzz, and he has a chance to read:

Oh so you're actually dyslexic also I am typing in my pocket. Sorry I didn't mean to be mean either I assumed you could read. Clearly I miss you oelsne o wpuldnt have fone this and alosm

Riz is pretty sure it's not his fault he can't read the whole thing, but he takes the I miss you part to heart. If what he's being can be described in any way as clingy, then Kiel is, he hopes at least, just as bad.

isk if you wanted to meet later I will text you when I can look again <3

Riz smiles wider than he should, mourns the middle of the sentence, and then imagines meeting Kiel later. He takes the extra moment to send a quick <3 himself- he knows what that means, at least the general ballpark, if not what Kiel is doing with it just this moment- and then he hides the phone in his waistband again, flushes a toilet he didn't actually use, and stares at himself as he washes his hands- really just looking to make sure the phone isn't visible.

He hasn't properly recognised himself in a long time. The expression he puts on is as empty as everything else about his appearance, and it's as easy to put on as clothes.

When he returns to the over-decorated, plush lounge taking up a whole level- the place that is often referred to as the living room- the other three have gotten up, although Wrenley and Shia are still talking, and Amello's gathering the empty cups of tea everyone was drinking. Wordlessly, Riz goes to help him- and he feels the phone buzz against his skin as he does.

Kiel is a lot of things. An enigma, like the ocean depths or the distant reaches of the universe; an ally, eyes met in the mud under the gunfire; and still, it can be hard to see past the pretty picture, hair so soft and blue it's hard to believe it isn't plastic. Riz knows it isn't plastic, he's felt it under his fingers, and he can't wait to feel it again.

Riz wonders about a lot more than just Kiel's hair- the softer parts of his heart wonder what it meant, for him to risk so much just to speak to Riz again, and if Kiel would ever have a hope of understanding. Understanding what? Riz couldn't explain it with words; when he tries to, all he can come up with is himself.

Part of him wonders if Kiel's interest lays only in the sex Riz can give him. Riz is certainly bad at making it seem otherwise. He takes advantage of every stolen moment, sometimes to his own detriment. The thing is, if it was just that, at least Riz could say it was real. It's almost strange that the thought of that being all Kiel wants from him is disappointing.

Riz realises Amello is staring at him too late.

"Sorry, what?" Riz has to say, with a soft smile. He had just put the cups in the sink, and had apparently been watching Amello- or at least, that's where his gaze was focused. He feels the scrutiny of millions of eyes anew.

"I said, what do you wanna do now, since we've got the day to ourselves?"

Riz wonders if he looked good zoning out. Not in the sense of attractive- he knows he's now attractive in the way only illusions can be- but in the sense of coming out looking more interesting, and loveable, one way or another. He's new at this all over again, and yet, he doesn't feel as stressed as he once did.

"I don't know." Shall he play dumb? "I was thinking of streaming myself, since it's been a while, y'know?"

That's playing dumb. He could've picked up on what Amello was putting down, but now Amello has to lean in, his bronze hair falling in front of his bronze eyes, and say with a sickly sweet smile, "do you mind if I join you? I don't have anything else to do."

In an ideal world, Riz would be alone. He would stand on some real earth, climb a real tree, and sit looking at the sky for a while. He could almost do some of that, heading out to the garden and staring up at Bryten, but he's being held in place by millions of eyes, and so there is no difference in having one more pair over his shoulder.

He feels the phone buzz again. When he meets Amello's gaze, his first concern is that Amello will get jealous when he inevitably sneaks out to the garden tonight to meet Kiel.

Riz never had a choice in how to answer Amello's question, anyway. "Of course," he says, so softly that it wouldn't normally be heard, but Amello isn't the one who needs to hear it. "Of course you can. Always."

He can talk with Amello all he likes when the cameras are off, can share any knowing look they want, can even see Amello's completely unbridled lust and have telepathic understanding of what Amello's suggesting, and yet, everything about their relationship is so scripted that it can be hard to see past it sometimes.

Riz supposes he'll hear Amello out. He just wishes he was more excited about what he has to say.