Voyages in Space: The Next Absurdity - Attack of the Squirrels

Episode I: A New Mission

Our story begins in the depths of space where the fearless crew of the B.S.S.S. Venture (Bull Shit Star Society) has just kept the normally peaceful "Little People" from erupting into pie fights on their home planet. The ship has just left orbit of the planet and has its course laid in for a solar system in the "Very-Dangerous-Never-Go-Here Sector" for what is supposed to be a routine survey mission. We join the crew as they prepare to drop out of hyperspace...

"Drop out of hyperspace!" commands the famed Captain Prik, who is well known throughout the galaxies as one of the greatest star ship captains ever to have lived. He is also known as the captain to get the most bonuses for his often not-too-hard work, but he doesn't know that everyone else knows about that.

The Navigation Officer picks up a miniature model of the B.S.S.S. Venture's hyperspace drive from his console and drops it on the floor. "Hyperspace dropped, sir!"

Captain Prik groans as he hits his forehead with the heel of his right hand. "No, no, Ensign Henson, not that hyperspace. Remember, we talked about this..."

"Oh, right!" replies Ensign Henson as a wave of understanding washes over his face. He hits the deactivation button for the hyperspace drive on his console. Remarkably, even though there were several minutes spent at light speed after the order to stop, the ship is still right on course and hasn't overshot its mark. "Where to now, sir?"

Captain Prik looks thoughtfully at the front viewscreen for several minutes without answering.

"Sir?" asks Ensign Henson.

"Oh, were you talking to me?" inquires the Captain as he comes out of one of his common dazes. "What was the question?"

"Where to now?" repeats the ensign.

"Lay in a course for the third planet and establish orbit. Then, I want all the senior officers to report to the briefing room for orders," says the captain as he gets out of his chair. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go take a warm bubble bath to wash off some of the pie residue from this morning's little skirmish."

"Yes, sir," everyone on the bridge says in unison with as much of a straight face as they can collectively muster while silently thinking, Way too much information. They smile and nod politely as Captain Prik leaves the bridge before erupting into laughter after the door is shut. Suddenly, the captain sticks his head back in the door and the crew returns to their composed stances.

"Bubble bath!" chuckles one officer who doesn't realize the captain is back on the bridge.

"I heard that!" yells Captain Prik. "Now, no more laughing! No more." He draws his hand cutting fashion across his throat.

"Yes, sir," all of the crew says together.

"I wasn't talking to all of you," corrects Prik with a touch of exasperation, "just 'Lieutenant Giggles' here." After giving the infamous "evil eye" to the lieutenant, he looks suspiciously at the other bridge officers. "Why, you didn't laugh at me, too, did you?"

"Oh, no," the crew says, minus "Lieutenant Giggles."

"Yes, they di—" the lieutenant begins, but is cut off by one of the other crew members tackling him and putting their hand over his mouth.

"Well, then," continues Captain Prik, "I'll be going, now."

"Yes, sir. Have a nice bath!"

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Captain's Log: Stardate 7.16.2401

Well, it was yet another day of being laughed at. I think I need to stop disclosing information pertaining to when and where I relieve myself and where and how I will bathe. They really don't seem to be very understanding—all I ever wanted to do was make my relationship with them more personal, but they just don't seem to take my gestures the right way. Anyway, we arrived at the primary solar system of the Very-Dangerous-Never-Go-Here Sector. I didn't sense any fear form the crew, but that was probably due to my ever-present leadership stance. I will always lead my crew to victory in whatever difficulties we may face! WE WILL ALWAYS PREVAIL OVER OUR OPPONENTS, WHOEVER THEY MIGHT BE! WE WILL— Right. Moving on. I haven't seen any sign of trouble yet, so I think that it should turn out to be a relatively simple research mission, as we expected. But, as is always the case, only time will tell. I suppose I should get started on that bath before I have to go to the meeting. Maybe I should use the honeysuckle-melon crystals for a change, or perhaps the passion fruit...