Voyages in Space: The Next Absurdity - Attack of the Squirrels

Episode III: The Giant Squirrel

The Captain has just joined the Senior Officers on the bridge of the B.S.S.S. Venture, all except for Malloy and Spotty, that is, who are at their designated posts. They are all staring with concerned looks on their faces as the Giant Squirrel floats in space a mere mile away from them. And for once, Captain Prik doesn't quite know what to do...

"I'm really not sure what we should do," Captain Prik says with more trepidation audible in his voice than the crew has heard for quite some time.

"Well, Captain," Spork muses, "it would only be logical for us to observe the anomaly before taking any action, either friendly or hostile. That way, it would be easier to assess what the, as you called it, 'Giant Squirrel's' intentions are."

The captain smiles broadly while shaking his head back and forth. "Oh, I love this guy!" he exclaims about Spork. "He has such great ideas... and the logic! Boy, that is really the ultimate discovery of the twenty-fifth century."

The crew refrain from comment.

"Sir," says Uhurry suddenly, "I'm receiving a hail. I think it's from the Giant Squirrel."

"Put it through! Put it through!" commands the captain excitedly.

A man dressed in an elaborate, anatomically correct squirrel suit appears on the central screen. "This it the W.R.D.K.W.W.D.U.A.S.B.H.O.S. Rodent hailing the B.S.S.S. Venture, do you copy? Over."

Captain Prik looks on, quite perplexed. "Uhh..." he starts. "Yes, we copy. Over?"

"Is it a clear transmission? Over," the squirrel man asks.

"Yes. Over." The captain turns aside to Uhurry, and ask, "What in this nutty world is all this 'over' business?"

"It's an old fashioned Earth custom used primarily with communication devices known as walkie-talkies," she responds.

"Oh, well then." He turns back to the man in the squirrel suit. "Why are you here? Over."

"We're here to take you to our mother ship." He pauses. "You know, if you don't mind me asking, why do you keep saying 'over' ? It's getting rather annoying . . ."

Captain Prik looks even more confused than before. "Why, because you were saying it. We thought it was just how you communicated."

"Oh, no. I was taking to a crewman hanging a picture on the wall. It was too far to the right," the squirrel man replies.

"Oh. All right then..."

"Anyway," the squirrel man continues, "I'm Ed Abe L. Acorn, the Captain of this vessel. I'm here to take you to our mother ship."

"Yes," says Captain Prik, "you said that already. I'm Captain Prik of the B.S.S.S. Venture. If you don't mind me asking you a question since I answered one of yours that you began with 'if you don't mind me asking,' what does the rather long prefix on your ship's name stand for?" The squirrel man looks very confused along with the crew of the Venture. "What does the prefix in your ships name stand for?" Pirk clarifies.

"Oh! We Really Don't Know Why We Dress Up As Squirrels But Here's Our Ship. And yours?"

"Bull Shit Star Society," replies Prik plainly, he doesn't know what a bull is, nor does he know alternate names for "solid waste."

"Oh," says Acorn; he understands the phrase. "Well, we should probably get going to the mother ship."

"Yeah—" begins Prik, but is cut off by Spork.

"Captain," he says quietly, "are you sure that is such a good idea? We have just met these people, and it is not logical to assume that they are friendly until we know more about their possible ulterior motives. If you do decide to accompany them, I would suggest that you proceed with the utmost caution."

"Come now, Spork," the captain whispers back, "how dangerous could they be? They're dressed up as squirrels for planet's sake! Really, what could they do?"

"Pelt us with mixed nuts?" offers Lieutenant Giggles. Spork and Prik both give him their infamous evil eyes. "Sorry," he mutters.

"Well, Captain," continues Spork as if there was no interruption, "they could bite us. They might have rabies; that would be a logical cause for their odd behavior."

"Perhaps, Spork, perhaps. Still, I think we should go with them... just out of morbid curiosity, I want to see what the shape of their mother ship is."

"As you wish, Captain," says Spork as he bows his head in consent.

"Take me to your mother ship!" commands Prik. Unfortunately, he shouts it too loudly and a metal tile falls off of the ceiling and hits him on the head. He lays unconscious on the floor before Lieutenant Giggles ventures a comment.

"It's so quiet in here without the captain! But where is that kiwi-cucumber scent coming from...?"

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Captain's Log: 7.17.2401
Well, after recovering from the blow on my head from that loose tile on the bridge ceiling, the Venture has gotten on her way following the very oddly shaped Giant Squirrel ship known as the W.R.D.K.W.W.D.U.A.S.B.H.O.S. Rodent. A really apt name for a squirrel-shaped vessel if you think about it. I'm really not sure if I can trust this Ed Abe L. Acorn, but I'll give him a chance. My curiosity about what the "mother ship" will be shaped like is getting quite hard to contain; at this time, I can only guess. I wonder if the Squirrel People have any interesting bath scents, I'm getting a bit low on my own supply. You know, I really wouldn't want to resort to using the Star Society issue soap. I fear that it smells very much like solid waste— not unlike the smell wafting through the halls of the B.S.S.S. Venture, actually...