Voyages in Space: The Next Absurdity - Attack of the Squirrels

Episode II: A Few Good Officers

We join the crew as they are filing into the conference room aboard the B.S.S.S. Venture. The captain has not yet arrived, and the crew is concerned that he may have drowned in his bath, or perhaps that he was killed by the over stimulation of the exotic scents he is so fond of...

"I'm concerned that the captain isn't here yet. I wonder if something happened to him in the bathtub," says Communications Officer Uhurry.

"Logic dictates that such an occurrence is unlikely, though not entirely improbable. Given the captain's height and the length of the standard starship tub, it is doubtful that he would be able to slip to a low enough level for his mouth and nose to be submerged in water, which would lead to the inevitable outcome of drowning," counters Science Officer Spork.

"Aye. You and yer logic," interjects the Chief Engineer, Spotty. "I've ne'er been able to see the use of it."

"Mr. Spot," continues Spork, "do I dare point out the instance where the warp core almost breached? It was by purely reckless and illogical action that the entire situation was resolved. It all could have been avoided had you done calculations on how much stress the engines could handle while undergoing the various maneuvers required at the time."

"Oh, calculations-smalculations. Who needs those, either? When the cap'ain says he needs more, I give it to 'im even if I'm already givin' him everythin' she's got. I know what this ship can handle, so don't give me yer 'calculations.' I could live without 'em all!" Spotty ends sounding quite triumphant, but Spork looks unruffled.

"Living without any calculations what-so-ever, Mr. Spot, is highly unlikely. Logic suggests—"

"Aye! Not more logic!" exclaims Spotty.

"Who's using logic?" inquires Captain Prik as he walks into the room. "How dare they do something in an area in which I have no talent."

"Why, Cap'ain," says Spork calmly, "I in no way meant to upstage you. I was simply—"

Uhurry interrupts him as he tries to explain his actions. "Oh, Captain! We were worried about you. You were taking so long..."

"I'm sorry, I was just selecting a bubble bath scent," Captain Prik says, but then remembers what happened last time he told the crew something pertaining to his hygiene. "I mean," he corrects himself, "I was just commanding a battle bunch set."

"Oh..." replies Uhurry, slightly confused.

"Well," the captain says as he sits down in his chair at the head of the table. "Let's get down to business. Now what was this meeting about?"

"Why, Captain," utters Spork, "you called us to this meeting."

"You're right! I did! Just seeing if you guys were paying attention! Get it? 'Now what was this meeting about?'" The captain burst out laughing at his own joke. No one joins him. After several minutes of the captain uncontrollably laughing while the crew looks on in bewilderment about what's so funny, Captain Prik finally settles down. "So," he says as he wipes he tear-filled eyes, "I suppose we should get started."

"That would be the logical thing to do, aye, Cap'ain?" says Spotty as he winks at Spork.

"Why, yes. I suppose it would be, Spotty." The captain pauses to clear his throat before continuing. "I called you all here today to let you know about our current mission. There are a few things that you should know. This is the Very-Dangerous-Never-Go-Here Sector, and—"

"You don't think anything bad will happen do you, Captain?" inquires Nurse Malloy. If so, I should probably go get the real doctor, McCoy."

"No, no, Malloy," says Prik. You should do just fine. We won't be needing the real McCoy."

"All right, Captain. But just remember, I'm a nurse, not a doctor. Damn it, Jim, I'm just not a real doctor!"

"It's all right, Malloy, really. I doubt anything will happen that would require anyone with more experience than yourself," reassures the captain.

"Are you saying I don't have experience? Because I have enough experience to live all your lives collectively and still have time to spare!" yells the nurse as he stands up. "I might not be a real doctor, but I'm a damn good nurse, so don't try and tell me that someone with more experience might be better." When Malloy finishes, he sits down, looking proud of himself for standing up for all nurses throughout the galaxies.

"The Captain was simply saying—" begins Spork, but is cut off by Prik.

"It's okay, Spork. If I may continue with what I was saying—"

"No, Captain. That's not okay," Uhurry says.

"What?"

"I just received word that an anomaly has been spotted off of the port bow," replies the Comm Officer.

"Oh," says Prik before the information fully sets in, and then, "Oh!" once he realizes what she is saying. "Red Alert! All hands to their battle stations! Captain to the bridge! Where is the captain?!" He pauses. "Wait a minute..." Then, he finally manages to rush out of the room long after everyone else has left.

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Captain's Log: Supplemental

We have just received word that there is a strange object off of the port bow. After much confusion with my own orders, I finally managed to make it to the bridge. There I was informed that the anomaly is keeping its distance from us, but as I always do, I will assume it to be extremely hostile even though it shows no signs of being so. The "thing" itself is unlike anything I have seen over our four years of missions. It appears to be in the shape of a squirrel. Yes, a squirrel. I know it sounds odd, but I don't know how else to describe it. The really strange thing is its size. My God, it must be four times the size of the Venture! We are proceeding with extreme caution, and for now will simply keep our distance. I just hope it isn't looking for some giant metallic nuts...