Voyages in Space: The Next Absurdity - Attack of the Squirrels

Episode XII: Rodents of Unusual Size

With the drones of the Squirrel Collective closing in, Prik and Spork are desperate to escape before they become completely assimilated. Spork locks the door to the Transporter Room on the enemy mother ship. With the squirrel drones pounding on the door, the Star Society officers must make a speedy escape. . .

"We need to escape quickly!" Prik exclaims.

"Yes, Captain. Clearly," Spork replies with a touch of irritation in his tone.

"What should we do?" Prik stares at the buttons of the transporter console, confused by all the words and lack of pretty pictures.

Spork plops down on the floor cross-legged. "I don't care."

Prik gapes at his science officer with utter confusion. "What's gotten into you, Spork?"

"I'm sick of always having to rescue everyone. You're the captain. Start commanding!"

Prik cowers, his eyes glistening and a tremble to his lip. "Spork! How can you speak to me that way? You know I'm prone to weeping when I'm being ridiculed."

Spork crosses his stubby rodent arms. "I just don't care anymore. It's like this is all one big joke."

"You've lost all motivation..." Prik ponders. "I guess I need to get us out of this mess." He turns his attention to the transporter console yet again. There's a light flashing, and he presses the button.

"Captain, is it you?" a familiar voice questions through a speaker in the console.

"Yes, it's me, Uhurry!" Prik eagerly replies. "What happened? The comm link disconnected."

"We don't know, Captain. It might be intermittent electromagnetic interference from the comet."

"What comet?"

"The Comet of Perpetual Laziness!" Uhurry clarifies. "I'm surprised you haven't succumbed to its effects."

Kirk looks down at his pouting comrade. "Spork wasn't so fortunate. Only the ultra relaxation therapy of my bath salts could fortify against such a powerful cosmic force."

The comm link clicks and goes silent.

"Hello?" questions Prik.

The comm clicks again, and giggling is just audible in the background, thanks to Prik's sensitive squirrel ears. His tail twitches with frustration at their amusement in his time of distress, but there is no time for reprimands. "Get us out of here!"

"Hold still," Chief O'Dyin instructs over the comm. I'm trying to get a lock now. This interference..."

Prik freeze, even his fluffy tail still as his pulse quickens with nerves. Spork remains cross-legged on the floor, sporting a pouty face made more impressive by his bucked rodent teeth.

"I've got a lock!" O'Dyin announces over the comm. "Initiating now."

White light swirls around the two Star Society officers as they dissolve.

With another swirl of light, Prik and Spork rematerialize in the Transporter Room of the Venture.

Prik breathes a sigh of relief. "Phew!"

In front of him, Chief O'Dyin is staring, mouth agape. "Oh. My. God."

Spork scrambles to his feet. "Yes, we're squirrels. Get over it."

Just as Prik is about to comment on his First Officer's uncharacteristically emotional tone, the door to the Transporter Room slides open.

Malloy rushes in. He takes one look at Prik and frowns. "It's worse than I feared, Jim."

Prik's beady black eyes widen with alarm. "What do you mean?"

Spork sighs with boredom and exasperation. "He means we're squirrels."

"Well yes. But you can fix it!" Prik looks to Malloy, desperate for confirmation.

Malloy walks closer, and Prik steps down from the transporter platform to meet him. The nurse pulls out a tricorder and examines Prik. "I thought maybe they just had you in squirrel suites, but the suit has started to merge with your DNA. Physiologically, you're starting to actually become a squirrel..."

"We have to stop it!" Prik wails.

"I don't know if we can," Malloy solemnly replies.

Spork comes to join them. "Does anyone else have a craving for roasted nuts?"

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Captain's Log: 7.20.2401

My hair... My beautiful hair! How am I supposed to go through the rest of my life as a squirrel? I doubt I can even enjoy a bubble bath anymore with all this fur. I don't know what I'll do if Malloy can't find some way to reverse the squirrel conversion. At least Malloy was able to treat Spork's symptoms related to the comet. Maybe he can help us logic our way out of this. Looking on the bright side, I always have enjoyed cashews, and they are so much more delicious to me now. And, perhaps there's a way I can style this tuft of fur between my ears... My pomade really can work wonders.