Voyages in Space: The Next Absurdity - Attack of the Squirrels

Episode X: Blazing Comets

Meanwhile, back on the Venture, the crew has been reduced to playing card games on the bridge. Uhurry is winning, but Lieutenant Giggles is in a close second. Everything seems to be tied up for Uhurry to win her third round in a row when suddenly an alarm sounds on the bridge. At first, everyone thinks it's the TV, but then they remember that there is no TV on the bridge...

"What's that?" Ensign Henson wonders out loud. "'Cops' isn't on right now, is it?"

"It's probably nothing," replies Lieutenant Giggles. "Alarms and stuff go off all the time, but I always ignore them and nothing bad ever happens."

"That's because I always alert the captain before anything bad can happen, you idiot," Uhurry states.

"Hey, that wasn't very nice!" Giggles shouts back. "I can't help it if I'm excessively happy and laid back. My mom named me Giggly and my twin brother Smiley to ensure that we would be happy kids and get along. I don't get mad or unhappy easily, so I guess it worked."

"Aye, what will 'hey thin' of next?" Spotty groans.

"I'll see what the alarm is about, just in case," Henson says, getting up and walking away from their circle on the floor in front of the command chair. "Don't look at my cards." Henson approaches the front console and looks at the readings. "Hey, guys," he says, looking confused, "there are some really strange readings here."

"What 'tis it now?" Spotty sighs and gets up to look over the ensign's shoulder. "Oh, my, he's right. These are strange ones. It appears to be—an' I'm no' a navigator—but if I didn' know any better, I'd say it 'twas a comet."

"A comet?" comments Uhurry. "That is odd." She also gets up to look at the readings.

"Oh, fine," Giggles mutters and gets up as well. "Great Scot!" he exclaims upon seeing the readings for the first time. "It's the Comet of Perpetual Laziness!"

"Not the Comet of Perpetual Laziness!" the bridge crew breathes as one.

There is an awkward silence. "What's the Comet of Perpetual Laziness?" Ensign Henson asks finally.

"It's only the single most anti-productive force in the know universe! When it passes by, there are known to be mass lapses in efficiency while entire populaces are reduced to playing senseless games and ignoring all signs of warning and work."

"But we're not showing any of those signs," Uhurry says.

"The worst part is, people don't realize that they're being unproductive. They just slip away..." continues Giggles. "But you're right, we aren't showing any signs, so we have nothing to worry about. Now, whose turn was it?"

"I think it was mine," Spotty replies, sitting back down on the floor.

"All right, Mr. Spot, give us your worst," Henson, sitting to his left, responds. Spotty plays the queen of spades. "Damn it!" exclaims Henson. "Why did we have to play 'Hearts'? All I have in that suit is the friggin' king!" He slams the card down. "That's it, I'm over a hundred and the lose... again."

"The game's not over yet, m'boy," Spotty says lightly, "we still have two cards left to play."

"It's still over."

"Yes, but someone might get a higher score than you."

"Yeah, I guess." Henson looks at his hand: the ace of hearts and the ten of diamonds. "I doubt it, though," he adds quietly.

Suddenly, another alarm goes off, coming from Uhurry's station. "Oh, what now?" Giggles groans.

"Why do people always call me? It's so annoying!" Uhurry sighs.

"Well," Spotty says with a wee bit of logic behind his thinking, "you are the Communications Officer."

"But what if I don't like communicating any more?" whines Uhurry. "I'm not going to answer it. I don't care who it is or what they want!" She crosses her arms in front of her chest and sets her jaw in a way that makes it quite clear that she has made up her mind.

"Fine with me," Ensign Henson says.

"May as well not answer it," agrees Lieutenant Giggles.

"I don' see why ye shou' answer, so ye may as well 'eave it alone," Spotty says at last.

"Fine then," Uhurry says. "I won, by the way." She lays down her last card: a two of diamonds on top of Spotty's six of hearts, Henson's ten of diamonds and Giggle's three of spades. "That's three in a row!"

"Lucky you," Henson says under his breath. "I should just quit while I still can."

Suddenly, nurse Malloy run in the room. He is wearing a large metal contraption on his head that resembles a mind reading device. "What's that on your head, Doc?" asks Henson in his usual inquisitive manner.

"There's no time for that. Quick! To the infirmary!" Malloy exclaims as he points the index finger of his right hand toward the door to the turbolift with his arm up in the air.

"I think he's been around Prik too much," Henson says to Giggles off to the side.

"Definitely."

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Chief Engineer's Log: 7.20.2401

This whole Comet of Perpetual Laziness seems strange, but Giggles' not the lyin' type. I don' know what to make of it, but I dare say that productivity has been droppin' steadily on the Venture, here. It could jus' be 'cause the Cap'ain's gone, an' all, but it's har' to be sure of that be the case. It's all gettin' even stranger with Malloy actin' li'e he is, but I' gotta trust 'im. I don' know how much more o' this I can take, but I'm sure we'll all pull through somehow. I hope we hear from the Cap'ain soon. As condescendin' an' obnoxious as he is, I miss 'im. I just hope he's not a squirrel when he gets back...