Voyages in Space: The Next Absurdity - Attack of the Squirrels

Episode VI: Trouble with Squirrels

As the B.S.S.S Venture continues to be pulled into the Giant Tree, Captain Prik tries desperately to have a thought. With little success, he turns to his First Officer, Spork, for help. As usual, Spork has a plan already formulated...

"I believe I have a logical plan that we could execute, Captain," informs Spork.

"Is that so, Spork? Let's hear it," responds Prik, happy that he won't have to try to think any more.

"We should let the Squirrels take us."

"What? Spork, are you mad? Do you have a fever? Can Vulgars even get sick? Do I know what I'm saying? Can I stop asking questions? Does the Venture really smell like sh—"

"Vulcans."

"Vulcans?"

"Vulcans. I'm Vulcan, Captain, not Vulgar," Spork corrects.

"Oh... As I was saying, why should we let them take us?" Prik inquires.

"Because then we would have an opportunity to study a foreign and seemingly intriguing culture. And, by not resisting, they might be more lenient with how long we live as a squirrel drone. Perhaps we could learn to live with each other in peace... in perfect har-mon-y. Oh, let there be—"

"Spork?"

"Oh, sorry. It must be close to my porn fair," he says half to himself.

"Don't you mean 'pon far'?"

"Whatever. Continuing, I do believe that it would be beneficial for us to try to go along with the Squirrels' scheme. In the least, gaining their absolute trust would help us escape."

There is a sudden clearing of a throat from somewhere. Prik looks up only to see Ed Abe L. Acorn still on the viewscreen. "Uhurry," he exclaims. "Why didn't you end the transmission? Now he's heard everything!" He pauses. "Uhurry?"

Uhurry takes off some headphones and places her nail file down on the console in front of her. "Oh, did you say something, Captain?"

Prik hits his forehead with the heel of his hand. After recovering from the blow, he gave himself, the captain looks defiantly at the Squirrel Captain. "Take me to your leader!"

Ed Abe L. looks thrilled. "Your cooperation is most appreciated."

"Glad to help!" chimes in Ensign Henson.

"Shhh!" the bridge crew hiss through clenched teeth.

"If you'll come with me, Captain," continues Ed Abe L. as if there was no interruption, "I'll take you to our queen... the Squirrel Mother. We can beam you and your First Officer directly over to her chamber, Unimatrix One."

"Very well then. Beam my guest. Be my guest, you get it?" The captain is laughing hysterically at his own joke as he dissolves along with Spork.

They reappear in a room made up to look like the inside of a rotted out tree. There is a very odd smell emanating from the chamber. "What is that smell?" inquires Prik.

A voice answers his question from out of the shadows. "It's the SynthoSmell. They are a complete line of scents that can be sprayed in the air to realistically recreate any smell imaginable. What you smell now is Rotting Country Log. There is even an easy-to-use table on the back of the can to tell you which scents are safe to mix, and which combinations to stay away from. For example, Baked Chicken and Steamed Corn are a good combination, whereas Paint Fumes and Car Exhaust should be avoided at all cost. Pine Forest and Rain go well together, but Lavender and Cheep Motel are a deadly blend," the voice says from behind a front-lit curtain.

"Your Majesty?" Prik breathes.

"Yes." The curtain pulls away to reveal a woman dressed in a squirrel suit sitting on a throne inside an oversized shell half. "You have finally arrived," the Squirrel Mother says in a very regal voice.

"Interesting," muses Spork.

"It is now time for your assimilation," the queen continues.

"But I thought that you might let us go!" cries out Prik.

"What gave you that idea? Bring me the Squirrel Serum!" commands the Squirrel Mother. "Hold them down!"

Prik and Spork are thrown to the floor by two squirrel-suited guards. The queen gets up off of her throne and, carrying an intravenous needle, walks over to where the two Star Society officers are pinned to the ground. She holds up the needle malevolently and lets out an evil laugh. "After I am through with you, you will know the true meaning of being bright-eyed and bushy-tailed!"

Prik and Spork groan loudly.

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Captain's Log: Supplemental

Has it truly come to this? Spork and I are about to be assimilated into squirrels, and all I can think about is my hair. What am I to do? We must find some way to escape. I can't leave the B.S.S.S Venture under the charge of Spotty. What would become of her? Spotty would probably send her off the Talax to get as much alcohol as the cargo bays could hold. I must—we must—break free. But how? As soon as we are given that vile Squirrel Serum, we will only want to serve our Squirrel Mother. There must be some way to override the mental effects of the serum. If we could just get back to the Venture, we could have Malloy make up and antidote. There must be one! Now all we have to do is escape. I shall think about it. Note: What was with those SynthoSmells...?