Voyages in Space: The Next Absurdity - Attack of the Squirrels

Episode V: The Mother Ship

The Venture crew have finally resolved their fist-fight, and have collectively decided to send Captain Prik a fruit basket. After much deliberation, they concluded that a Hawaiian-themed basket would really be best. They figured that the Hawaiians knew what colors were the most cheerful, and in space, a fruit basket is about as much color variation as can be found. Anyway, the B.S.S.S Venture is still trailing the Giant Squirrel as it treks back to its Mother Ship . . .

"Captain, we're still trailing the Giant Squirrel, just as you ordered," updates Lieutenant Giggles.

Prik looks confused momentarily, before recovering what little composure he could ever maintain for a measurable amount of time. "Yes, thank you, Smiley."

Lieutenant Giggles looks hurt. "No," he says, "I'm Giggles. My identical brother is Smiley."

Captain Prik looks confused again. "Okay... Sorry about the misunderstanding, Giggles..." He trails off.

Uhurry speaks up. "Captain, did you receive a fruit basket by any chance?"

"The one from Hawaiian Fruit Baskets 'R Us delivered by UPS?"

"UPS?" inquires Spork.

"United Possum Service."

"Oh..."

Ensign Henson suddenly becomes alert. "Captain, the Giant Squirrel has stopped!"

"On screen!" Indeed, the Giant Squirrel had halted, ceased all forward motion, desisted, come to a stand still, discontinued movement, in other words, stopped. In front of it loomed a space station, branching out in different directions as if were—

"It's a Giant Tree," breathes Ensign Henson.

"Just as I feared," mutters Prik to himself.

"It's opening!" observes Lieutenant Giggles.

"So it is," muses Spork. "Logic would dictate that the location of that opening would fall roughly in an area of a live tree that a hole could exist that would not threaten the well-being or life of the tree. By this I would conclude that it is a perfect metaphor for the home of this Giant Squirrel ship just as a rotted out knot in a tree trunk would serve as a home for live squirrels. Captain?"

Prik snaps out of a deep sleep. "Oh, what? Huh? Are we there yet? I mean, whatever you say, Spork." A knowing look passes amongst the bridge crew. "So," the captain says as he claps his hands together, "what are we going to do now?"

"Why, Captain," begins Spork, "that is up to you."

"Ah, yes, I always forget that."

"No, really?" Spork says sarcastically.

"Spork, are you alright?"

Spork hangs his head in shame. "I'm sorry, Captain. It's just my human side catching up with me again."

"That's quite okay, Spork," the captain soothes as he pats him on the shoulder. "I know it's hard for you—"

Uhurry interrupts him. "We are receiving a hail from the Giant Squirrel."

"Put it through, put it through!"

The W.R.D.K.W.W.D.U.A.S.B.H.O.S. Rodent's captain appears on the central viewscreen. "Well, we have made it to our Mother Ship. We are the Squirrels. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile."

"Assimilated? How are you going to assimilate us?" questions Prik. The Squirrel captain holds us an intravenous needle and several anatomically correct squirrel suits. "No. NO!!! Not the squirrel DNA serum and suits! Why, it's a fate worst than death... living out the remainder of our lives as mindless drones for the Rodent Empire. I refuse!" Prik screams.

The squirrel captain gets a wild look in his eyes. "Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated. Do not attempt to adjust you viewscreen; we are now controlling you space ship. For the next years, we will control all that you see and hear. You are about to experience the awe and mystery that reaches from the deepest inner squirrel to the outer limits. Please stand by." The viewscreen goes momentarily blank. When the image returns, the crazed look is gone from the captain's eyes. "I'm sorry about that; it was just a temporary neural implant malfunction. Where was I?"

"Assimilation."

"Oh, right. You will become a squirrel. Do not attempt to flee."

"We're doomed," whispers Uhurry.

"What if we refuse to surrender?" inquires Prik.

When the Squirrel Captain speaks again, his voice has changed to sound as though there were hundreds of people talking at once. "Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated."

"Yes, you said that already," counters Prik.

"That is because it's true. Assimilation is unavoidable. You will be a squirrel."

"Well..." the B.S.S.S. Venture captain looks puzzled yet again. "But..."

"You will be brought to our leader. Resistance is futile."

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Captain's Log: 7.19.2401

How could this have happened? One minute we were peacefully following that Squirrel Ship and the next thing we know we're locked in a tractor beam and being pulled inside the tree-shaped Mother Ship! What am I going to tell the rest of the crew? All of those Ensigns fresh out of the Star Society Academy... This is miserable! I doubt that those squirrel folk use shampoos nearly as expensive as mine. What might become of my hair over the years of my squirrel internship? Dreadful. Absolutely dreadful, I tell you. We must find some way to escape the claws of our rodent-minded friends, but I'm just not sure what that way is yet. Maybe that guy Spork can apply some logic to the situation. Logic is really quite a concept...