Voyages in Space: The Next Absurdity - Attack of the Squirrels

Episode XI: Laziness Awakens

Nurse Malloy rushes the bridge crew down to sickbay with a crazed look in his eyes. They walk nonchalantly down the hall, talking amongst themselves, and paying no attention to Malloy's incoherent mutterings. When they reach the sickbay door, Malloy shoves them inside and checks to make sure that no one is around. With the metal contraption bobbing on his head, he looks them over, appearing even more crazed than before . . .

"Gee, Doc, what's up with you?" Ensign Henson questions, staring with concern at the medical professional.

"I have to save you all!" Malloy yells, his eyes wide. "The Comet of Perpetual Laziness will take over our minds! It's in our minds... It's in our minds, willing us to be unproductive. We have to stop it... WE MUST STOP IT!" He gets close to Henson's face and points to his own head. "It's in here. It's in here, you see. It will take us over. WE MUST RESIST! Only I can see, though. Only I can tell. You don't KNOW. YOU CAN'T KNOW! Your minds, so simple... so easily influenced. Only I can know. I have this," he points to the "thing" on his head. "This lets me escape it. Only I can escape. The WILL it takes. Only I can escape. There's only on device. Only one. You must follow me. I can HELP YOU! I must, or we all will die. The squirrels will get us if we give in. It' THEIR doing. All them. Let me—"

"Hol' on 'ere, Malloy," Spotty says while exchanging worried looks with the other officers. "Now, I don' mean no disrespec', but you're sounding kind of... Mad, if you ca'ch me meanin'. I thin' I speak fur us all when I say 'tis a bit concernin'." Everyone else nods in agreement.

"Oh, well sorry about that," Malloy says, returning to his normal self. "I didn't mean to frighten you. You see, I just wanted to let you know that, unbeknownst to you, you are under the influence of the Comet. I guess I was playing it up a bit too much, but I was just going off of a discarded script. See," he points to a section of one of their daily scripts.

"Oh, you're right," Giggles says, pulling out his own script. "It says here that now you give us an antidote to the Comet's effects."

"And here it is," Malloy grins roguishly as he holds up a hypospray. "Line up." The Venture officers comply. "You may feel a moment of lightheadedness—"

"Good God man! Wha' have we 'een doin'?! That could have 'een that Cap'ain tryin' to contac' us a while 'ack 'ere!" Spotty exclaims a moment after receiving his injection.

"—and then an immense feeling of stupidity at having been so lazy," concludes Malloy.

"We must help the captain!" Uhurry breathes, coming to her senses.

"Come on, everyone," Ensign Henson encourages, waving his arm and running out the door. Everyone gets to their posts and tells their subordinates to report to sickbay for the antidote.

Once the Senior Officers are back on the bridge, Uhurry picks up the communication. "Hello," she says with the slightest note of apprehension in her voice.

"Uhurry? This is Captain Prik. What took you so long?" A squeaking voice says over the comm-link.

"You sound different, Captain. Are you and Mr. Spork all right?"

"Yes, just get us out of here! We will need immediate medical treatment when we return. The Squirrel's have done some . . . Unpleasant things to us."

"Of course, Captain," Uhurry responds. "Hey, they're okay, everyone," she says off to the side to the officers on the bridge. There is a small cheer. "What is your exact position, Captain?" she asks, becoming more professional.

"We're in some sort of transporter room. I don't know where it is— Wait, Spork says that there's a map. It's near the heart of the ship."

"Okay, Captain, Transporter Operator Chief O'Dyin is getting right on it. We'll have you out any minute, now."

"Uhurry, Spork informs me that some Squirrels are approaching. They appear to be looking for something, someone! They've spotted us! Lock the door, Spork, before they get in—" Suddenly the communication link goes dead.

"Captain? Captain? I've lost him. Oh, what are we to do?" She looks out at the other officers.

They are all at a loss for words, except Lieutenant Giggles. An incredulous smile spreads across his face. "So, he's a squirrel, huh?"

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Chief Engineer's Log: Supplemental

Things 'ave gone from bad to good to bad again. No sooner 'ad we recei'ed word from the Cap'ain, 'an we lost contact with 'im, all in a time that 'ooked to be 'ery dangerous. I don' know wha' I should do. Chief O'Dyin is doin' all 'e can to try and lock onto the Cap'ain, but 'tis hard with their altered squirrel genes. We can only hope that they get away an' we're able to beam 'em up safely. I know we should ne'er 'ave ventured into the Never-Go-Here-Very-Dangerous Sector, but the ship 'ook us 'ere, and it 'tis 'er name, after all. I'm sure the Cap'ain will get an especially big bonus after this mission, no' that his usual ones aren' big enough. Oh, he does always get all the perks...