Voyages in Space: The Next Absurdity - Attack of the Squirrels

Episode IV: Wasted Time

The B.S.S.S. Venture has just gotten on her way following the squirrel ship. Supposedly, Ed Abe L. Acorn is taking them on a friendly visit to his master, and Captain Prik seems to believe it. But Spork has suspicions that they are being led into an elaborately set ambush where they might become trapped like rats...

"Captain, I think we might be being led into an elaborately set trap by following this Ed Abe L. Acorn," warns Spork.

"What makes you say that, Spork?" inquires the captain.

"Well, it just seems impetuous to automatically assume that these people are friendly and don't mean us any harm. They did give the impression that they wanted us to go to their mother ship for a very definite reason."

"Are you sure, Spork?" asks the captain suspiciously.

"I'm only being logical—"

"Aye! Logic!" exclaims Spotty as he steps off of the turbo lift onto the bridge.

"Spotty?" questions Prik. "What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be down in Engineering?"

"Aye, Cap'ain, but I got bored. There 'twas nothing to do, so I figured I'd go get a drink. There's nothing like good ol' Talaxien rum!" Spotty says with a satisfied smile on his face.

"Wonderful," mutters Captain Prik. "Now all we need is for Malloy to show up and we could hold a staff meeting right here." Malloy doesn't come.

"Malloy, that was you cue!" hisses Ensign Henson.

"Oh, sorry," says Malloy as he also steps off of the turbo lift. "What did you need me to show up for, Captain?" He turns to Lieutenant Giggles, "That was my line, wasn't it?"

Giggles hit his forehead with the heal of his hand.

"Line for what?" inquires Prik.

"Oh, we were getting sick of everyday life so we decided to write out scripts for little skits we could do occasionally to make things a little more lively. It would work, except Malloy keeps screwing things up," explains Ensign Henson.

"Well, I can't help it!" shouts Malloy. "I'm a doctor, not an actor."

"So you admit you are doctor, not a nurse?!" cries out Prik.

"No, that was just the line that was written on the script," replies Malloy as he points to several words written on a touch screen pad.

"Oh." There is a very long, awkward silence. "Well," continues Prik, "why don't we hold a meeting right here about this Giant Squirrel issue since Spork seems so reluctant to accept them as friendly."

"I'm not reluctant, Captain. I'm just being logical," Spork says in his own defense, though reputation means nothing to him.

"Aye," begins Spotty. "As much as I hate to agree with 'im, I'm afraid I must. In all my years of bein' an engineer, this be the first time I've encountered anythin' quite like a giant, squirrel-shaped space craft. It seems mighty suspicious to me."

"Yeah!" exclaims Malloy. "Damn it, Jim, listen to the man! He's really onto something here."

"Is that so, Malloy?" Prik questions his medical expert.

"Yeah!" shouts the entire bridge crew.

"I wasn't talking to all of you," the captain corrects, annoyed at the interruption.

The crew mutters an apology, "Sorry."

There is another awkward silence. "You know," muses Prik eventually, "we have accomplished absolutely nothing in the past five minutes. Nothing! All we've done is argue about inconsequential matters. How does that make you feel to know that we have simply wasted time?"

"Well," answers Ensign Henson, "normal, I guess. We always waste time... I don't think I've ever been to a meeting where we haven't."

"My point exactly. Don't you think that should change?"

The crew looks around at each other, and then says in unison, "No."

"Oh, well then. Perhaps another time," Prik says quietly. They never listen to my ideas anymore. I feel so hurt. A tear roles down his cheek.

"Aye, Cap'ain, we didn't mean to hurt you feelings," soothes Spotty.

"Oh, I'm okay," says Captain Prik as he sniffs and wipes the tears from his eyes. "I think I just need to go play with my battle bunch set." He walks out leaving half the crew in perplexed silence.

"What?!" one crewmen exclaims.

"He's going to take a bubble bath," supplies Uhurry. "Remember from before... he thinks we're not smart enough to figure out what he's talking about."

"Oh," the crewman says in understanding. "Maybe we should send him some bath crystals to cheer him up."

"I'd opt for whiskey. That can cheer up anyone, no matter what their original mood," Spotty says.

This goes on for some time until everyone is in a fist-fight over what to send the captain to brighten his spirits. Meanwhile, the captain is basking in the rays of his heat lamp while sitting in the soothing, tropical mist bubbles of his bathtub.

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Captain's Log: 7.18.2401
I fear that the stress of this Giant Squirrel incident is getting to me. Today I actually had a breakdown in front of the entire bridge crew. It was really quite awful, but I feel much better now after having a bubble bath and doing some deep-breathing exercises. My head has recovered nicely from the unfortunate encounter on the bridge. It is still a bit tender when touched, but the swelling has receded. But I have no time to concern myself with that... the Giant Squirrel is much more important. Somehow I'll find out what it wants. Only time can tell... OWW!!! Note: Don't touch your head where it hurts. If you know that there's a wound there, why do you need to check?