Symphony of Shadows

52. Accept

A/N: Next chapter will be up on Wednesday at 8pm American Eastern Standard Time!

"Have you ever thought about having kids?"

The question seemed abrupt, and Astrid paused braiding Hiccup's hair to process what he was asking.

They'd just woken up, and the morning sun seeped through their hut like the glow of a fireworm. It was a lazy morning full of cuddling and soft laughter as they postponed their plans for the day to relish the moment.  The sunlight warmed her skin, and she propped herself up on her elbow to watch his expression. Astrid could tell his mind was far away as his gaze shifted from the ceiling to her face. In his searching gaze, she knew her answer.

"I have. Growing up, I kind of felt like my mom resented me for having to become my caretaker. But now that I'm older, I realize that if I ever do have children, it's going to be because I want to. Not just because everyone's telling me it's the time-appropriate thing to do. I don't want my children to ever feel like a burden."

Hiccup nodded in response and rubbed her back reassuringly—the innocent touch sending sparks down her spine.

"I think so too. That's why a part of me has always been scared of turning into my father. When I was a kid, I think my dad also resented me. I could tell by the hesitation of his gaze when he saw any characteristic in me that reminded him of my mom. He'd always leave the house claiming to be on chief duties, but I know he physically couldn't be around me. When I grew up and it was obvious I wasn't going to turn out to be anything like him, it got even worse. It was like he just gave up on me."

Astrid knew the feeling all too well, even if Hiccup had been in a far worse situation than her. At least she had both of her parents. She slid her hand into his and rubbed her thumb tenderly across his skin. He was being incredibly vulnerable with her, and he needed to know she would support him no matter what.

"I'm scared of turning into my mom. I know she cares about me, but she's so bitter and judgmental it's exhausting to be around her. It's like I can never be enough for her. But I know she still cares and I feel so guilty for avoiding her. I mean, you should've heard her crying in Gothi's hut after that night in the forest fire. It broke my heart. Sometimes I can't help but feel like she was right. I've nearly destroyed myself, and for what? But most of the time I just wish she'd support me. I don't need a critic. At the end of the day, I just need my mom. I want to be there for my kids—in their highest of highs and in their lowest of lows. Not just when they make me proud or do what I say. Because that's what a parent does."

Her voice cracked on the last sentence. It'd been a while since she thought about her relationship with her mom, and it never failed to make her emotional. It was frustrating to process those feelings all over again, but knowing Hiccup recognized how she felt made it much easier. She didn't need to justify her unhappiness because he understood.

Hiccup gave her a comforting smile.

"You won't turn out like your mom. Your heart is too big. You care too much. Plain and simple. You take care of everyone except for yourself."

He brushed the back of his other hand across her cheek and tucked a loose strand of her hair behind her ear.

"But that's okay. I'll take care of you."

Astrid turned scarlet and gave him a sweet kiss on the cheek. Gah, he was so good at turning her insides into mush.

"I love you."

His hand trailed down to her neck, and he gently pulled her towards him.

"I love you more."

Hiccup kissed her deeply, and she reddened even deeper when they pulled back. Thor help her.