A Love Worth Having

Chapter 20 - Part I - Fear of the Unknown

The next two weeks went so quickly that Saryah didn’t even remember most of the events that took place. There was a going away ceremony, which she cried through, and a few dinners with the company that were more like meetings with food. She became acquainted with the other ladies in the company and had to sit through the “what will happen if…” briefing, which also made her cry.

As Saryah was making dinner the night before Ben was to leave, she received a text.

Come to the door.

“What? Why doesn’t he just ring the bell?” She answered it anyway. At her front door were a dozen roses, a box of Chinese food, and a basket with a movie, popcorn, and an assortment of her favorite candies. Ben was nowhere in sight. She started taking things inside. The flowers and the food were first, followed by the basket. As she went to shut the door, a tan boot stopped it.

“Ben! What is all this?”

“It’s dinner and a movie, Campbell Style.”

“Hmm … I like it! Thanks for the flowers. They’re gorgeous. And Chinese … you know the way to this woman’s heart, for sure.” She placed the basket on the table before turning to kiss him generously. “What time do you have to leave tomorrow?”

“We report at 0430. After that, I have no idea. There’s so much we have to do, and none of it is fun.  A whole bunch of hurry up and wait, if you ask me. Family members are allowed to come say goodbye between 0930 and 1200. Then, we’ll be on a bus to the airport. Yay!”

“Well, thanks for the run-down. I’ve taken tomorrow off, so I’ll come up. I’d be no good at work anyway. Let me grab some plates. This food is making my stomach rumble. What movie did you get?”

Ben laughed out loud. She might not like it: “‘Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Slayer’.”

“OOOH! I wanna see it, since it’s your favorite.” She teased while she fixed the plates. He put the movie in as she hurried out with food in hand.

Twenty minutes after they finished eating, Saryah stood and walked to her room. Wisely, Ben paused the movie to follow her.

He found her face down on her bed, her body shaking with sobs. He’d never felt his heart break like it was breaking at that moment. He didn’t know whether to go to her, or let her cry it out. Ben found that he couldn’t let her cry without at least being at her side. He went to her bed, kneeling beside it, he started rubbing circles on her back.

Offering fake condolences wouldn’t help now: The “it’s gonna be okay’s”, “it’ll be over sooner than you think’s” and “don’t worry’s” would not assuage the grief she was feeling and he knew it. He disliked those placations. He only knew she would eventually be alright, even if it took a while. Some spouses did better with deployments than when their soldiers were home while others managed to make it through the separation. There were a few who really did poorly, and those were the very ones she was helping.

Saryah finally started to calm down a bit. Ben said nothing, and continued to offer what little comfort he could. She struggled a little as she sat up. Placing her hands on his face, she gently kissed him.

Saryah opened her mouth to speak, but the words wouldn’t come out. Instead, she pulled Ben’s head to her chest, running her hands through his hair and massaging his neck and shoulders.

“Ben.” Saryah whispered softly.

“What?” He whispered back.

“Make love to me. Please.” She begged her voice still quiet.

Ben said nothing. He knew where it was coming from. He knew the reasons. He’d been through this before, and she’d left anyway.

“Saryah.” He said after several minutes. “What if you get pregnant?”

“I don’t care. I’d rather get pregnant than have you leave and die, and never have any part of you again.”

Just as he suspected, the fear was talking. He would ask more questions. He wanted her to be sure. “What if I don’t die? I promised you I was coming back to you. Don’t let anxiety of the unknown talk you into something that we both know could make the past repeat itself.”

She moved him away from her slightly. “So, you don’t want me?”

Ben laughed a little too loudly. “I’m a red-blooded American man. If I didn’t want you, I would have to be blind, deaf, dumb, and stupid. Or dead. Of course I want you. But, not just because you’re beautiful, or because I’m leaving. I want you because I love you. I don’t want you to regret something later because of fear. I’ve been through this before and I know my job. Well. I also know that this is not the same mission as the last deployment.”

“But anything can happen, Ben. God forbid, you died and I, we, never… you know what I’m saying. What if we miss out on the best thing and never get a chance to express it.” Her voice wavered again at the thought.

“We don’t have to make love to prove our love for one another. I already have the proof: It’s in your smile, the way you look at me when you think I can’t see you looking.” She blushed. “The way you simply hold my hand … It’s all there.  And, I hope you know beyond any shadow of a doubt how deep my love is for you.” She nodded. “Nothing can stop me from loving you: Not even death itself. Don’t let fear control you. You’re better than that.” He stood and looked into her eyes. He could see all of the emotions just below the surface, waiting for what? God only knew.

“Can you just hold me? I need you near me tonight.” She asked, not wanting him to leave. He agreed, taking her in his arms.