You and Me in the Old Jeep - TROYLER AU

Chapter Thirty-Nine

Song of the Chapter: Collar Full by Panic! At the Disco

39

I had been to Troye's house before and didn't need directions from Zoe, so the car ride was uncomfortably quiet. I could feel both her's and Korey's gazes on me, surely noting the way I was clinging to the steering wheel to give me something to ground myself on - I was nervous, more nervous than I'd been in a long time. The myriad of colors blending at the corners of my vision were all the blues that Troye's eyes had ever been, and I didn't know if I could stand to lose them for a second time. I was sure that if Troye rejected me, as he full well might, there would be no chance of bouncing back.

If this was love, I didn't want it without him. I didn't want anything without him.

Korey opted to stay in the car when we arrived, squeezing my hand gently in a silent show of support, and Zoe walked me to the door. Every step closer we got, the tighter my ribs clenched around my lungs and by the time she raised her fist and knocked three times, I felt like my entire skeleton had seized up. 

The door opened. 

Nothing could have prepared me for his proximity; not seeing him in his car, not everything Zoe had told me, absolutely nothing. His expression changed instantly when he saw me, but I didn't really see what it became - he was cruelly beautiful, his lips falling open loosely, his eyes demanding attention, the darkest of navies and oceans. 

His name rose and died on my lips. His hands curled into fists at his sides, then came apart again, his fingers trembling delicately. 

I heard Zoe murmur something to Troye, but it didn't look like he really registered what she was saying, and neither did I. He didn't make a move to close the door, but he didn't invite me inside, and I was unsure of how heavily the atmosphere weighed us both down. 

"Can we talk?" I managed, my voice sounding strange and distant, not my own, as so many things weren't these days. Troye swallowed, the movement just visible on his pale and perfect throat, and opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out until finally he just nodded.

Zoe's footsteps crunched on the gravel as she went back to the car, and I went inside with Troye, defenseless against whatever my stupid head choose to come out with.

Nothing had changed in his apartment, but everything had. Everywhere I looked were reminders of Troye and I, but now I was a monster, and we were little more than strangers. He stood waiting, breathless, and I had nothing to give him but words that weren't enough.

"Troye." His name rolled so easily over my tongue, releasing endorphins that I had dearly missed, and he shifted uneasily in his stance. A low sigh emitted from him, tired and sad, and he was no longer looking me in the eye.

"I know you're going to apologize." Troye said softly. "But I'm done being everyone else's toy."

"You were never a toy -"

"I was always your toy." Our eyes locked now, but his were so bitter that my whole body tingled, as Troye continued angrily, "I was always your toy, Tyler. I've never been anything but second-best and you know it - "

"Listen to me. Listen, okay?" I interrupted and crossed over to him, not quite daring to touch him, but feeling high just off his body heat. "I fucked up. I know. You don't have to forgive me, even though I want you to, and I - I did come to apologize, but we both know that that isn't how this works." Everything in me was collapsing. "I'll leave if you want me to but I -"

I left the sentence hanging in the air, physically unable to finish as my chest tightened some more to the point of pain at how hard I was trying to hold in tears. I was about to take a step back and prepare myself for the final blow of Troye telling me to get out, when I felt hands on my wrists.

The skin on skin contact after so long made my pulse spike irreversibly, jagged and spiraling. Syllables popped like bubbles before I had the chance to convert them into sound, and I looked into Troye's eyes with the knowledge that whatever he said now meant everything, and the dull panic that I would never feel like this for someone else again but was still going to lose it. I was going to lose him. 

"Stay."

When I kissed him, I realized that it fact no, nothing had changed at all.

He remembered this as well as I did, our bodies welding together with a practiced art, his hands planting miracles wherever his fingers touched. I held him so tight that it must have hurt but then he had my shirt in a death grip too, the fabric balled up in his fist. "Nothing worked without you," he said against my lips, "I don't work without you."

"I don't live without you."

He was against the wall and I was pressed up against him, exploding inwards. "I love you." I told him.

"I love you too,Tilly," he murmured, a soft admittance of my name, and the use of this much-missed affectionate term guided my hands to his face, my thumbs skimming over his cheekbones, over his incredible skin. 

We were crying. He tasted like salt and the sun bleeding through his window and I was so, so alive, and we were renewed over and over and over again with every touch.

And God, he had been worth every second. 

IT'S NOT OVER BUT ARE YOU HAPPY TROYLER'S BACK

AGAIN IT'S NOT OVER : )

also maybe check out my phanfic 'of eden' it has winged!dan that got experimented on and updates are pretty frequent #ad

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Bbbbbbbbye *wink*