Trust Me

Luke

On my way home from April's all my muscles ache. Part from emotional fatigue, part from having to swerve at the last moment a couple of seconds ago when I let my mind wander off the road.

Get a grip, Luke! You promised you wouldn't let this creep up on you again. The last two years have been tortuous enough.

Why couldn't I keep this buried? Why did it have to be her? Of all the girls in this town, she had to be her friend.

It's my fault.

The familiar voice climbs its way out of the depths of my dark and damaged mind as tears start to sting my eyes once again. Too many times have I let it break me and this was the last straw. That Luke is in the past and its time for the new one. Only, I thought the new Luke would have his first proper chance with April but guess what? He screwed it up again.

I catch a glimpse of my hands on the steering wheel, my knuckles are as white as snow. I don't care. This is the one place I allow myself to lose control.

I pass my house on the left and carry on to the long, mostly deserted stretch of road just over the small hill. I live on the outskirts of the town and have often lost myself to the road leading out of it.

I come over the hill and greet the vast openness of the dark veld separated by a perfectly straight, black tar road. I push down hard on the accelerator and the adrenaline shoots through my bones.

The wheels complain loudly and leave black trails in my wake but they soon become comfortable on the warm tar.

I watch the horizon as the long dry grass whips past me.

120 km/h

145

160

180

I breathe deeply and feel my body relax behind the wheel. Opening the window, I breathe the cool night air that soothes the hot blood gushing through my veins.

I hold my hands steady and close my eyes. My hair beats against my face but I am oblivious.

Recklessness reigns over my body and thoughts. A sense of unrestrained control over my life washes over me. I flatten my foot on the pedal and my ears drink up the sound of the roaring engine. My tense hands tighten even more and suddenly I can't feel them anymore. Good.

A strange flashing light comes from behind my closed eyelids. I open them quickly to find a silver Kia Sportage speeding towards me. I pull my Rover, which was in the middle, over to the left of the road forcefully. I hear the hooter of the Kia disappear into the night behind me.

No one ever takes this road. I say to myself, slightly bewildered.

I lift my foot off the accelerator slowly as I approach the bridge running over Blue Cliff river.

I stop in the middle of the bridge and get out. I walk over to the edge and sit on the railing. My brother had always told me that I live foolhardily. Even though he is gone, his words still resonate in my mind at times like these.

I always come here to this bridge when I feel myself losing control... This is my fourth visit this month.

Something about the violent water surging over the jagged rocks reminds me of myself. It's refreshing.

I close my eyes once again and let the breeze clear the hair out of my face. I empty my mind. The advice that the therapist gave me a couple of years back still helps me to this day. One day... One day I forget the sessions and I jerk out of line. Unbelievable.

I could stay here the entire night but I know Jason is expecting me back home. Reluctantly, I climb back over the rail and get into my car again. I turn it around and head back on my de-stressing highway.

I gaze at the skyline lit up by the busy town. Immediately, I think of her.

April, trust me.